Pardon the Interruption Part 11
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
DEDICATED TO ANNIE, thank you so much

ALSO THANKS TO THE FIRST COMMENTER ON RANCE'S SITE: Trish

Thank you to those two who had the hardest time waiting, but were so patient anyway:
Ranceline
Ms Lauren


The brunette casting director, early 30s, in a Christian Dior suit, handed the producer a list.

DEPUTY KATO KAELIN ... Kato Kaelin
ANNA MONTOYA ... Anna Paquin
SAM ... Matthew Settle
STAN ... Marton Csokas
ROSE HAYGOOD ... Connie Nielsen
CLYDE CANTER ... Paul Bettany
MR. BUD ... John C. Reilly
LILY ... Perla Haney-Jardine
SARA ...Drew Barrymore
JOGGER ... Kevin Spacey
BILL ... David Carradine

CASTING DIRECTOR: This is what I'm thinking.

PRODUCER (ticked off): First of all, I don't want Kato Kaelin playing himself. Get someone who isn't tacky. What about Brad Pitt? Brad's scruffy like Kato, but he's a star. And his agent emailed me saying that he has intense interest in the role.

CASTING DIRECTOR: If I may say so, Brad Pitt is one of the tackiest actors out there.

PRODUCER: I know, but Rance mentioned him once.

CASTING DIRECTOR: Rance mentioned Cary Grant once. Should Cary play Stan?

PRODUCER: You're fired. Insolence! Get outta my office!!

CASTING DIRECTOR: Wait, a brilliant idea just came to me! Chris Cooper as Stan! He has a Bob Ewell face!

PRODUCER: Move it now. I'll make sure you never work in this town again. Exit the building! SECURITY!!!!!

Two buff security guards take the casting director away.

CREDITS:
CASTING DIRECTOR ... Maggie Gyllenhaal
PRODUCER ... Harvey Weinstein
SECURITY GUARD #1 ... Vin Diesel
SECURITY GUARD #2 ... Jason Statham

Meanwhile back at Rancette's ranch, Rancette is speaking to her agent...

AGENT: I hate to break it to you. They don't like the changes you've made to "Pardon the Interruption".

RANCETTE: Well, when you have 30 different writers give or take... The writers are still getting their dough, even though I changed most of their details. It was for clarity's sake. I mean Kenmore refrigerators dropping from the sky? That's cool. But our director is not Ridley Scott, *Michel Gondry, or even Robert Altman. They would be the only ones who could pull off something like that. Our director would screw things up. You know him.

AGENT: I know this was a hard task, but you're in a tough line of work. You aren't pulling this together like they thought you could, Rancette. You've been fired.

RANCETTE: Fired?! Well, it's not my fault if the original writers are whining to the producer about how they're not going to hand over the rights to their side of the story unless everything is kept the same. I had to change stuff around. Especially since two writers didn't agree to have their part brought to the screen. That's why I had to change everything. Now, everyone who agreed to the terms... wow, they are going to receive one big, fat check. I kept all of the characters, even if I changed who they were a little bit. I thought I had total creative control. They can't fire me. Can't I do a re-write? I mean I was the writer of the screenplay.

AGENT: Yes, the keyword is "was". Plus, there's the issue of Rance wanting to star in the film. The script first appeared on his blog, so he had his rights. He's going to play Kato.

RANCETTE: Wow. First Kato Kaelin was cut out of his first role in years. Now Brad Pitt is cut out of the role, because of Rance!

AGENT: Brad Pitt IS Rance.

RANCETTE: What!?!? What a stunning revelation! What about his Naomi Watts fascination?

AGENT: He couldn't very well say "Jennifer Aniston is hot" on his blog. That would have given it away. That's why he sneakily remarked he liked Naomi Watts, lying through his teeth.

RANCETTE: They should get Naomi to play Anna!

AGENT: No, Brad refuses to work with her. Anyway, there's no point in discussing this. You have been fired without any pay. There's no way you could re-write everything without starting from scratch. You changed everything. They don't like the fact that Rose's husband isn't Clyde. That he's her lover and that other guy is her husband. In the original story, Rose and Clyde died. That is the foundation of our story, here.

RANCETTE: Her husband's name is Bill. If you even read the script, you might have been able to stand up for my creative decisions a little better.

AGENT: They don't like the fact that Bill killed Anna. And then killed himself. That wasn't the murder/suicide they had in mind. And Clyde is Lily's great-great grandfather, not her grandfather.

RANCETTE: Well, it was necessary, because I wanted Clyde to meet Lily. But he had to kidnap her.
AGENT: There are other things. Sara was a baby in your script. In the original "Pardon the Interruption" she was grown up. Could Rose have even had a baby at her age? Like I said, they don't like the changes. Too bad.

RANCETTE: But Bill discovers Sara is not really his baby. It's Clyde's baby, but Bill doesn't know that. He becomes *so angry with Anna for cheating on him that he shoots her, then himself. Crime of passion.

AGENT: So why did Clyde kidnapped Lily if he was her grandfather?

RANCETTE: He was estranged from his daughter, so he never had seen Lily. Once Sara, the secret love child, discovers the truth about her mother, she wants nothing to do with Clyde. She blames her father for her mother Rose's death. Clyde, who is now so old that he's ready to die any second, wanted to meet Lily; it was his dying wish.

AGENT: That is just the lamest thing I've ever heard. How would a dying man be able to kidnap a kid? Especially a mischievous one like Lily. Why would any one shell out money to see your film?

RANCETTE: Well, why don't you write the script?

AGENT: Because they've already replaced you with Ken!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Footnote:
*I didn't proofread as well as I should have and there are typos. I colored the typos red so you could see how it differed from the original post.

I'm dying to know...
... what you all think of my segment of "Pardon the Interruption". Unfortunately, it is not on Rance's site yet. I haven't heard of any further delays. Or that my post was rejected.

Just rest assured that it will be here soon. It's hurting me as much as it's hurting you. Who cares if I know what happened, if no one else knows? I want to know what people think. I hope the build-up isn't like the Jen and Ben fiasco, where you're waiting for the wedding, waiting for the wedding, and finally get tired of waiting for the wedding.

I'm not going to blame anyone. It is certainly not Rubber Duckie's fault. She is the mediator between the writers and Rance/Captain Hoof and is doing a great job. The top of the administration, be it Rance or Captain Hoof makes all the decisions of what goes up when. So please be patient. I hope you don't give up hope yet. Please don't!

Notes from Rancette
What I'm afraid of

Well, I know I don't respond to every single comment. I am afraid it is going to come back to haunt me. Because I gave Gus Openshaw a hard time about it on my Mindsay blog.

Actually, if you mention Gus on your site on Mindsay, you usually get listed in the top blogs for that day. So I created an all about Gus post.

I don't want Gus to feel bad, I just wanted to get the message out to him. I didn't create the post just for the heck of it or simply because I might be a top blog on Mindsay.

I had something to say. And what I said was true. ATTN GUS: If you have followers and you don't talk to them, they're going to leave!

That being said, I'd like to thank the following people in alphabetical order:

Annie
BGC
chinq
Col Mustard
flyrchld
jillyjilly
kj4ever
Lanie
Lora
marchesque
Ms Lauren
Nicole
princessr9
Queenie
Ranceline aka crouchingtiger16
Rancelot
Tad Bitter
Vanessa Lea Nownes
Wakefield
waxwing
[your name here] <--- if I didn't mention you and you are reading this, please tell me I forgot you. If you are new, introduce yourself. You don't have to say much if you don't want to. Just say hi!


I really want you to feel special, because I would have stopped blogging if not for you!! Well, I don't know, but I definitely wouldn't have posted as much if no one had been reading. And I probably would've asked myself, what's the point anyway?

So thank you for making me feel great about blogging!!


Rance

I've given up the idea that Rance would ever contact me. It just isn't going to happen. So why hope? But I still love his blog, especially since other people have been posting instead of him! (Would I have said that a month ago? :o No way!!!!)

But if you're not Rance, don't be like Gus and piss off your readers. Of course, Gus is Rance. That is very clear. Neither of them are "confirm"-ing or "deny"-ing anything.

Cat Stevens

I discovered a great site today, but my creating a link option isn't working today, so try cut & paste:

http://spitspot.blogspot.com/ (scroll down a little bit)

If you haven't read the news lately, Cat Stevens was not allowed to enter this country. He was headed for Washington, D.C. And when they saw his name on the list and then compared it to the list of most wanted terrorists, they thought his name was on there.

Cat Stevens changed his name to Yusef Islam. And the person they were actually looking for had been "Youseff" Islam. Cat had actually been in New York this past May. So it was a mistake. But the "throw cat stevens in jail" link is funny, nonetheless.

Besides, what was Cat, a Muslim, wanting to do in hot terrorist targets like New York City and Washington, D.C.? He should steer clear of those cities if he wants to keep out of trouble. Yeah, this is a free country. But he relocated to England and started a school of his own there, so don't come back and scare us to death!

Oh yeah

I meant to answer Ranceline's question about how I've posted 10X on Rance's site (well, really 11X. I posted it today. I'm not going to reprint it here, because frankly, it was getting annoying reprinting my rance posts here.). So she wondered if they are going to put a link up to my site now, since the rule is you have to post to Rance's site before being considered for a link. Now what's the other criteria? I have no clue. I probably won't get a link. But it's worth it to ask. I asked Rubber Dee Duckie, AR, to put the world in for me. She obliged, saying she'd direct my request to the right person (Captain Hoof? I dunno).

So of course, you'll hear it first from me if my link makes it to Rance's site! Unless that is you were on Rance's site and found it out there first.

Today
I've been sick since Friday (for more info go to rancette @ Mindsay --->).

My diet and sleeping patterns are usually pretty normal. I'm a morning person. But since I've gotten sick, I have been thrown off balance. I have maybe gotten 4 hours of sleep per night, as opposed to the regular 8. And maybe I'll rest during the day and take naps, but being so stationery, I feel so bad, cause usually I am always on the go, doing something, being productive, focusing on my ambitions.

Since I've been sick, I've gotten a lot of insight into life. Maybe it's because I've resorted to spending my days and sleepless nights reading Mindsay blogs. Well, usually I only go on Mindsay for a little bit. But yesterday, I was on all day and night. I was composing post after post. I still have most posts.

It's amazing. Ever since I've gotten sick, I've been writing some much deeper stuff (not including my Agent Rancette post earlier today!). I mean I have posts lined up for the next 2 weeks on what I could talk about now. I usually try to keep my posting to once or twice a day. But I'm sick. And all I'm doing is thinking and writing and lying in my bed. Sitting on my chair, typing into my computer.

So I was reading this one blog. I thought I kept the link, but I can't find it now. Anyway, they asked the ultimate question:

Why do people blog?

And you know, I started out blogging, so I could write about Rance and so maybe I could even impress Rance. But maybe my reasons for starting out blogging are different than the reasons I continue to blog.

I continue to blog, because yes it is a way to organize my thoughts. I write stuff here I never would never have thought of writing, if it weren't for other blogs. Like Rance & Rancette? I would have never thought of that, if I were just being a serious writer and trying to stick to my normal way of writing. Sometimes I'll write lyrics, sometimes I'll work on writing my scripts, sometimes I'll even post in essay-style.

But blogging has caused me to be able to simply write out my thoughts without wondering if I'm going anywhere, and then I end up maybe going somewhere I wouldn't have otherwise, if I simply stuck to structured writing.

Back to:

Why do we blog?

People blog for different reasons. All blogs are different. Blogging makes it easy to expose the real you. Because usually, for me, I try to hold in what I'm saying or thinking to other people, because I don't want to come off the wrong way. Or maybe someone will feel I'm too judgmental.

So when I first started blogging, I blogged to please Rance. Then I realized, who cares what Rance or anyone else thinks? Now, I post what I want.

And it is great that along the way, I have had readers being very supportive. And it might be easy to crawl back in that shell and say, "Well, I don't want to expose anymore of myself, because they might not like me anymore." But the people here are so accepting. And I don't mind difference of opinions once in awhile.

Maybe I have not been as bold as I think I have been. Sometimes, I do hold back, like in the issue of politics. But I kind of stuck my feelers out yesterday and tested the political waters. No one was mean about my conservative post. It was supposed to be funny. And I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

So anyhow, in conclusion, it feels great to blog. For me, it has become a way of connecting. I had no idea that I would get wrapped into this community, like I did. But it is wonderful.

Agent Rancette finds Naomi Watts' Secret diary...
Now Playing: cue scary music
Topic: Agent Rancette
...revealing her Birthday details + tapes of her phone being tapped.

AGENT RANCETTE: Judge, I'd like to submit this as evidence.

The judge opens the diary.

September 28, 2004


Dear Diary,

Today was my birthday. I got together with Nic and the security guards threw out Heath when he tried to show up. But it still wasn't the same. I got a beautiful emerald necklace from [deleted]. I know he's interested in me, but I'm not really interested in him. I hate to break his heart. But mine is breaking right now. Because "the only one I've ever loved has gone away". I can't stop crying. See my tears on the page.

Yours so truly,
Naomi

JUDGE: Hmm, interesting. I've always been a fan of Naomi myself. I never dreamed that I'd be reading her diary one day. This is so cool.

Agent Rancette shows the judge tapes.

AGENT RANCETTE: And these are the tapes of the phone call, placed right after she penned the diary entry.

Rancette hits the play button.

NAOMI: Hello?

RANCE: Hello, sweetie!

NAOMI: Rance! You called! You remembered!

RANCE: Of course, sweetie. Happy Birthday! I've been thinking about you all day.

NAOMI: You have?

RANCE: Of course, I even thought of what to name our baby.

NAOMI: But I'm not pregnant!

RANCE: I know, but I've still thought of a name for our child.

NAOMI: That is so sweet.

RANCE: You'll love it.

NAOMI: Tell me.

RANCE: Romice.

NAOMI: Oh, I love it. How did you find that name?

RANCE: Well, my love, both of our names have 5 letters in it.

NAOMI: Yes?

RANCE: We both have an "A" and an "N" in our names.

NAOMI: Yes?

RANCE: Take those letters away, and the ones remaining are R-O-M-I-C-E.

NAOMI: Romice! That is so perfect. I want to marry you right now.

RANCE: Wait Naomi...

NAOMI: Oh, I love the way you say my name.

RANCE: Naomi, I have to conquer the world first.

NAOMI: But Rance, honey, you couldn't exactly conquer the whole world! I'm afraid you'll never marry me if you're waiting for something that may never happen.

RANCE: Are you questioning me?

NAOMI: No?

RANCE: You totally killed the mood. I don't know if I like you anymore.

NAOMI: But Rance! It's my BIRTHDAY. You can't break up with me on my BIRTHDAY! I had a terrible time all day. Everyone remembered, but I felt so crummy until I received your call. Don't tell me you're breaking up with me. I couldn't handle it.

[Rance's line goes dead. Naomi sobs into her end of the receiver.]

JUDGE: So what exactly are we investigating here?

AGENT RANCETTE: I was hired to find out about the strange disappearance of Naomi Watts.

JUDGE: Well, she "disappeared" because Rance had no interest in her anymore. So people stopped caring about her.

AGENT RANCETTE: No she DISAPPEARED. She's missing! Take this seriously, Judge. I want the diary entry and the tapes filed as evidence. I want you to issue a search warrant for Rance's place. You need to do this. Before it's too late. Naomi may be in danger!

TO BE CONTINUED...

(Actually, I'm not going to continue this. I want this left up to your imagination.)

10th post on Rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Well, I was a little mixed up. My "Pardon the Interruption" segment will be here Wednesday instead of today, because I thought Snubby would post on Tuesday. So I don't want to jump the gun. As soon as Snubby has their say, I will totally post it once I've made any necessary changes.

Now, I don't know Snubby. I wish I did so they could give me the heads up of what they are planning to do. But I trust I can deal with it. If I have to completely change everything, I might post the original "pardon the Interruption" segment on this site in addition to any re-write I may have to create on Wednesday. But rest assured, it is turning out well.

Snubby, if you're out there, please shout out to me!! (Within the next 24-48 hours)


That being said, I commented today on Rance's blog. Rance is calling himself Captain Hoof now. I don't know if that's an alter ego or what. But princessr9 said that she'd like to run over the "masternaders" with her SUV, but wasn't going to, because she couldn't vote from prison. I said,

You could always run them over after the election.

You know, give them a fair warning. If they vote for Nader, then run them over. After you've safely voted. Just a suggestion. I was kind of ticked that Rance used his blog as a "platform". It was very Ben Affleck of him and I'm not sure I was very pleased. But hey, it's his blog. And Thursday, I will have my say. And hopefully, Rance won't be too ticked off (he might not even notice me).

And we all know that I'd love to be noticed by Rance! Wooo, I feel another Rance & Rancette story coming on within the next week or two.

My new online friend
Okay, all my old online friends, don't get jealous. I still love you. But I have a new friend. Ms Lauren.

You know, we seemed to hit it off, at least I hope she thought so. Cause I ticked her off on Rance's blog. Well, she didn't sound angry. So I sent her a private email on what I'm planning to unveil on Thursday, just so she wouldn't have to wait.

Of course, to my other blogging friends, I'm planning to upload my segment Tuesday afternoon/evening on this site, right here, your regular programming, if all goes well (if I don't have to go to the hospital for tonsil removal--which isn't likely but possible).

Maybe I'm not supposed to post this info on "pardon the interruption", and if someone high in charge at the Rance blog asks me to remove it, I will.

Anyhow, let me pass on Ms Lauren's link:
Ms Lauren

As a rule, I like keeping people in suspense. But if it's a matter of torture, which this instance kind of was, I don't really believe in it. So I had to tell her everything. I have some really screwy ideas for Pardon the Interruption and I hope no one gets too upset. If you do, well, uh, um, too bad!

See you tomorrow. Please check back. I will be here if I'm alive and well.

PS- If you have visited my Mindsay blog, I am just returning to sanity, so please don't be scared off.

9th post to Rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Today on Rance's site, Ms. Lauren asked if the contributors for "Pardon the Interruption" were going to get royalties.

I said,

I plan on answering your question on Wednesday.

UPDATE: My part of Pardon the Interruption will take place on Thursday instead.

Reflecting on Celebrities That Drive Me Insane!
First of all, I have not been met with any opposition. No one has said, "You're so wrong, man. Julia is the bomb. Can't you see her beauty?" It would scare me if I'm right about everyone on my list.

Please voice your opinion if you disagree. I won't be like Rush Limbaugh and ridicule you even if you have a good point. That's right. You can disagree with me about anyone on my list. That is except Charlize Theron. If you post any nice posts about CT, I will be forced to delete your post and no one will be able to view it.

Celebrities That Drive Me Insane! Part 4
10. Charlotte Church
I was thinking of the lovely people from Wales today. Let's see Tom Jones, Anthony Hopkins, Charlotte Church. Then I stopped dead in my tracks. Charlotte Church isn't lovely. She expressed anti-American sentiment after 9/11.

To top that, her voice doesn't sound all that good. Her recent songs featured a cracked voice. It sucks, I've noticed this about Lee Ann Rimes' new song. Maybe they were impressive as little girl singers, but now they are washed up in my opinion.

11. Shirley MacLaine
There is no movie I've seen with Shirley MacLaine that is bad. Even The Bliss of Mrs. Blossom. Maybe The Trouble With Harry wasn't the greatest movie ever, but #1) she was the greatest thing about that movie and #2) that was her first movie, so I'll have to give her a break. But please. She is a complete nutcase. It is so sad that someone with so much intelligence and talent has to be an astrology/UFO/reincarnation freak. For more info, see her site at shirleymaclaine.com

12. Charlize Theron
Do you see a trend yet? Names that begin with a "Shh" sound. I would have preferred any actress nominated last year to win over this chick. I hadn't seen Monster though, so I believed that maybe she could have done a good job in the role. Well, I saw this movie recently. Watching two hours of lesbian affection is really sickening. Not only was she a lesbian, but a murderer. Murdering came really natural to her character.

I think an Academy Award should have gone to the make-up artist, but not her! But please, when I was watching this movie, I remember thinking how much more I was moved by the girl in Whale Rider or how much more Samantha Morton deserved the award for In America. Maybe Charlize has "paid her dues" for "ten years" of acting in such movies as Reindeer Games or Italian Job. Don't forget one of the worst movies of all time, Sweet November. Can she go straight from those movies to Oscar winning material? I don't really think she made that much of a transition. Monster was boring and pathetic and a waste of my time. If I'm going to see a lesbian-themed movie, The Children's Hour with the aforementioned Shirley MacLaine is a much better bet.

In conclusion, Charlize has been met with the Oscar curse. Her new movie, Head in the Clouds has not been met favorably by critics and probably won't go further than "limited-release". I admit I might have had some interest in that movie had not Charlize been in it.

Top Celebrities that Drive Me Insane! Part 3
7. Macauley Culkin
Ok, this bugger can complain his life was ruined by being a child star. Too bad. Married to Rachel Miner at 17, divorced within a couple years. According to defamer.com, was arrested in Oklahoma within the last week in a half on September 17th, for possession of marijuana. Wow, 17 seems to be his unlucky number!

8. Julia Roberts
She fights with husband Danny in public constantly and has begun making sucky movies like "Mona Lisa Smile" and "Full Frontal". Then she expects us to be happy for her, and for us to think her marriage will last just because she's having twins. Ok, none of her fan sites had any pictures of her yelling at Danny. Her fans drive me crazy also, for deluding themselves as Julia deludes herself!

9. Katie Holmes
Ok, so some people liked her as a TV actress, but I'm not crazy about her not-so-seamless transfer to the screen. She takes off her shirt in The Gift. Is this to make up for the fact that she can't really act? And First Daughter? I'm fed up enough with Jenna and Laura Bush. Why would I see a movie about some wild President's daughter who wants to make her own decisions? Oh, please, if I want to see a character transformation movie, I'd rather rent Never Been Kissed again.

Notes from Rancette (no I haven't hired Administrative Staff yet, ok this joke is getting worn out, but who cares?):

I'm working on my segment of Pardon the Interruption (see Rance's site). I thought I'd get a head start and at least begin working out some of the ideas I had. My segment will be really screwy, so apologies to anyone in advance if I end up creating a monster. But I plan on posting it on Tuesday afternoon, so I can unveil something new here on Wednesday.

I'm working on a new gimmick. Rance & Rancette is getting pretty old. So is the Britney series. Wow, that one got old reaaal quick. Also, if Pardon the Interruption creates more traffic for this site, I want to have something cool posted ON Wednesday. I'm thinking about asking for submissions for ideas like Rance used to do. Now all I have to do is come up with it.

I will probably do two more segments of "Top Celebrities that Drive Me Insane!", then post "Pardon the Interruption" on Tuesday. Then I will open up the floor on Wednesday.

Please tell me if anything I'm doing sucks! I always like it when someone points out something. I'm always pointing something out at someone else's blog. It's because I like the blog and want to give advice to what is working and what isn't. For all those who have commented so far, thanks! It's really helpful.