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Friday, 1 October 2004
Pardon the Interruption Part 11
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
DEDICATED TO ANNIE, thank you so much

ALSO THANKS TO THE FIRST COMMENTER ON RANCE'S SITE: Trish

Thank you to those two who had the hardest time waiting, but were so patient anyway:
Ranceline
Ms Lauren


The brunette casting director, early 30s, in a Christian Dior suit, handed the producer a list.

DEPUTY KATO KAELIN ... Kato Kaelin
ANNA MONTOYA ... Anna Paquin
SAM ... Matthew Settle
STAN ... Marton Csokas
ROSE HAYGOOD ... Connie Nielsen
CLYDE CANTER ... Paul Bettany
MR. BUD ... John C. Reilly
LILY ... Perla Haney-Jardine
SARA ...Drew Barrymore
JOGGER ... Kevin Spacey
BILL ... David Carradine

CASTING DIRECTOR: This is what I'm thinking.

PRODUCER (ticked off): First of all, I don't want Kato Kaelin playing himself. Get someone who isn't tacky. What about Brad Pitt? Brad's scruffy like Kato, but he's a star. And his agent emailed me saying that he has intense interest in the role.

CASTING DIRECTOR: If I may say so, Brad Pitt is one of the tackiest actors out there.

PRODUCER: I know, but Rance mentioned him once.

CASTING DIRECTOR: Rance mentioned Cary Grant once. Should Cary play Stan?

PRODUCER: You're fired. Insolence! Get outta my office!!

CASTING DIRECTOR: Wait, a brilliant idea just came to me! Chris Cooper as Stan! He has a Bob Ewell face!

PRODUCER: Move it now. I'll make sure you never work in this town again. Exit the building! SECURITY!!!!!

Two buff security guards take the casting director away.

CREDITS:
CASTING DIRECTOR ... Maggie Gyllenhaal
PRODUCER ... Harvey Weinstein
SECURITY GUARD #1 ... Vin Diesel
SECURITY GUARD #2 ... Jason Statham

Meanwhile back at Rancette's ranch, Rancette is speaking to her agent...

AGENT: I hate to break it to you. They don't like the changes you've made to "Pardon the Interruption".

RANCETTE: Well, when you have 30 different writers give or take... The writers are still getting their dough, even though I changed most of their details. It was for clarity's sake. I mean Kenmore refrigerators dropping from the sky? That's cool. But our director is not Ridley Scott, *Michel Gondry, or even Robert Altman. They would be the only ones who could pull off something like that. Our director would screw things up. You know him.

AGENT: I know this was a hard task, but you're in a tough line of work. You aren't pulling this together like they thought you could, Rancette. You've been fired.

RANCETTE: Fired?! Well, it's not my fault if the original writers are whining to the producer about how they're not going to hand over the rights to their side of the story unless everything is kept the same. I had to change stuff around. Especially since two writers didn't agree to have their part brought to the screen. That's why I had to change everything. Now, everyone who agreed to the terms... wow, they are going to receive one big, fat check. I kept all of the characters, even if I changed who they were a little bit. I thought I had total creative control. They can't fire me. Can't I do a re-write? I mean I was the writer of the screenplay.

AGENT: Yes, the keyword is "was". Plus, there's the issue of Rance wanting to star in the film. The script first appeared on his blog, so he had his rights. He's going to play Kato.

RANCETTE: Wow. First Kato Kaelin was cut out of his first role in years. Now Brad Pitt is cut out of the role, because of Rance!

AGENT: Brad Pitt IS Rance.

RANCETTE: What!?!? What a stunning revelation! What about his Naomi Watts fascination?

AGENT: He couldn't very well say "Jennifer Aniston is hot" on his blog. That would have given it away. That's why he sneakily remarked he liked Naomi Watts, lying through his teeth.

RANCETTE: They should get Naomi to play Anna!

AGENT: No, Brad refuses to work with her. Anyway, there's no point in discussing this. You have been fired without any pay. There's no way you could re-write everything without starting from scratch. You changed everything. They don't like the fact that Rose's husband isn't Clyde. That he's her lover and that other guy is her husband. In the original story, Rose and Clyde died. That is the foundation of our story, here.

RANCETTE: Her husband's name is Bill. If you even read the script, you might have been able to stand up for my creative decisions a little better.

AGENT: They don't like the fact that Bill killed Anna. And then killed himself. That wasn't the murder/suicide they had in mind. And Clyde is Lily's great-great grandfather, not her grandfather.

RANCETTE: Well, it was necessary, because I wanted Clyde to meet Lily. But he had to kidnap her.
AGENT: There are other things. Sara was a baby in your script. In the original "Pardon the Interruption" she was grown up. Could Rose have even had a baby at her age? Like I said, they don't like the changes. Too bad.

RANCETTE: But Bill discovers Sara is not really his baby. It's Clyde's baby, but Bill doesn't know that. He becomes *so angry with Anna for cheating on him that he shoots her, then himself. Crime of passion.

AGENT: So why did Clyde kidnapped Lily if he was her grandfather?

RANCETTE: He was estranged from his daughter, so he never had seen Lily. Once Sara, the secret love child, discovers the truth about her mother, she wants nothing to do with Clyde. She blames her father for her mother Rose's death. Clyde, who is now so old that he's ready to die any second, wanted to meet Lily; it was his dying wish.

AGENT: That is just the lamest thing I've ever heard. How would a dying man be able to kidnap a kid? Especially a mischievous one like Lily. Why would any one shell out money to see your film?

RANCETTE: Well, why don't you write the script?

AGENT: Because they've already replaced you with Ken!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Footnote:
*I didn't proofread as well as I should have and there are typos. I colored the typos red so you could see how it differed from the original post.

Yours Truly, rancette at 8:40 AM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 25 February 2006 12:49 PM PST
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Tuesday, 28 September 2004
10th post on Rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Well, I was a little mixed up. My "Pardon the Interruption" segment will be here Wednesday instead of today, because I thought Snubby would post on Tuesday. So I don't want to jump the gun. As soon as Snubby has their say, I will totally post it once I've made any necessary changes.

Now, I don't know Snubby. I wish I did so they could give me the heads up of what they are planning to do. But I trust I can deal with it. If I have to completely change everything, I might post the original "pardon the Interruption" segment on this site in addition to any re-write I may have to create on Wednesday. But rest assured, it is turning out well.

Snubby, if you're out there, please shout out to me!! (Within the next 24-48 hours)


That being said, I commented today on Rance's blog. Rance is calling himself Captain Hoof now. I don't know if that's an alter ego or what. But princessr9 said that she'd like to run over the "masternaders" with her SUV, but wasn't going to, because she couldn't vote from prison. I said,

You could always run them over after the election.

You know, give them a fair warning. If they vote for Nader, then run them over. After you've safely voted. Just a suggestion. I was kind of ticked that Rance used his blog as a "platform". It was very Ben Affleck of him and I'm not sure I was very pleased. But hey, it's his blog. And Thursday, I will have my say. And hopefully, Rance won't be too ticked off (he might not even notice me).

And we all know that I'd love to be noticed by Rance! Wooo, I feel another Rance & Rancette story coming on within the next week or two.

Yours Truly, rancette at 10:58 AM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 28 September 2004 2:14 PM PDT
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Monday, 27 September 2004
9th post to Rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Today on Rance's site, Ms. Lauren asked if the contributors for "Pardon the Interruption" were going to get royalties.

I said,

I plan on answering your question on Wednesday.

UPDATE: My part of Pardon the Interruption will take place on Thursday instead.

Yours Truly, rancette at 1:04 PM PDT
Updated: Monday, 27 September 2004 3:43 PM PDT
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Thursday, 16 September 2004
8th post to Rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
OK, I am getting verrry close to my 10th post. They may have to up the minimum of posts or everyone will want to post 10X to get a link on Rance's site. This'll drive up his share price at blogshares.com (That's good, because I finally own one share in his blog).

In response to 9/16/04's post: "Pardon the Interruption Part 2 and a Half" by Bingo the Monkey

That was kinda cool. It was like Memento, 21 Grams, or Pulp Fiction. It was out of order and didn't make sense at first, until like the final paragraph. Very cool.

-Rancette

Yours Truly, rancette at 1:06 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 16 September 2004 1:06 PM PDT
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Monday, 13 September 2004
7th Post to Rance's Site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
9/13/04 BREAKING NEWS!

On Rance's site, a list has been posted by Rubber Duckie of those who can be guest bloggists. I am #13.

Here is my response:

"Dear Rubber Duckie,

Whoever said #13 was an unlucky number?! Thank you for including me on the list. When it is my turn, I will turn out something very special.

Much love,

Rancette"

The wheels are already turning in my head. And according to Rancelot, those wheels spin pretty fast (Rancelot, you're so sweet).

Being on Rance's front page should generate more interest in this blog (although I love my current readers). Maybe I'll even get my first death threat!

Notes from Rancette: Please don't give me a death threat, just because you think it would make me feel better. It might actually scare me.

Yours Truly, rancette at 3:58 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 5:48 AM PDT
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Thursday, 9 September 2004
6th post to Rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
I posted to Rance's site this morning:

"I haven't been posting my comments on this site lately, out of protest to rance not posting. But I do have something to say.

The title of this morning's post was "A Comment From Rubber Duckie Rance will answer".

I read the whole post, but where is the part where Rance posts?"

Yours Truly, rancette at 7:19 AM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:13 AM PDT
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Thursday, 12 August 2004
5th post to rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Note from rancette (sorry I have no administrative staff):

Yes, I know Rance changed his archive format from List format to Calendar format. But it's really annoying. I'm not going to change, just because he did!

The fifth installment of Rance & Rancette is on its way. I have to go through the revising stage now.

I had a date last night with the Hollywood actor I have mentioned before. He introduced me to a Kabbalah recruiter named Isis. Whether the heck that was her name or not (I don't think it was), he had the guts to say to her that I thought Kabbalah was mish-mash (repeating what I had said earlier). I really wanted to dump the sucker, but he is a Hollywood star for goodness sakes (if only a little twinkling one). Someone out there encourage me to dump him please!

My fifth post to rance's site is in regard's to voy's August 11th post. This person was trying to say that he applauds rance for "bowing out" gracefully:

I always thought rance's claim to wanting to leave was a little fishy. Like Elton John's "Farewell Tour". Elton wasn't really planning to leave us, he just wanted to make a few extra bucks. rance is probably just trying to keep our interest by planning to leave. He wants to hear "No, rance, don't go!" As he reads over the comments begging him not to leave, he will probably decide, "I like being the most famous unknown blogger after all!"

Yours Truly, rancette at 12:01 AM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:44 AM PDT
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Monday, 9 August 2004
4th post to Rance's site / King Kong release dates
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
First things first. Per imdb.com, King Kong is set to be released in the USA just in time for Christmas: December 14th, 2005. Great, cause that's just what I asked Santa for. This is also the day Fay Wray would have turned 100. Just kidding.

Ok, so I finally confessed all to rance. I held back as long as I could. And the dam broke:

"Dear rance,

I'm getting kind of sick of your guest-bloggists and your administrative staff notes. I'm telling you this, cause it's nice to hear straight from you. Check out my blog, because you'll see the lengths I went through to "hear" from you. I even made up a conversation or two between us, and even managed to keep your identity a secret!

Anyway, ciao for now, and PLEASE update us on your personal life or at least pick a permanent replacement."

Of course, I am working on a third installment of our conversation, and his identity is coming really close to being revealed. Stay tuned, because I'll probably post it after I get some shut eye.

Yours Truly, rancette at 7:03 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:46 AM PDT
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Wednesday, 4 August 2004
3rd post to Rance's blog
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Dear lurkers,

I have just posted a third entry to Rance's blog, which he wonderfully posted. It's posted here, just in case you can't find it on his site.

"I hate to sound angry, because I am simply dissatisfied. It's obvious that Rubber Duckie is Rance's alter ego. That is why rance likes him so much.

Since I am a "new" blogger, I don't have anyone posting to my blog yet. But I am not resorting to creating alter egos to get comments.

You threaten to end your blog unless one of your alter egos takes over. But then since you, Rance, are in control, you don't let these alter egos take over. So the rest of us are left in suspense.

I don't know if that is brilliant, cruel, or both. Yes, I applied to be the new Rance. I don't know if you could understand that the heading "FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: RANCETTE" meant I was applying to be the new Rance. I wasn't applying for an Academy Award.

Rance does the unexpected, though. I was expected he'd at least send me the questions, then unmercifully shoot me down and say "You don't deserve to be the new Rance." But no, he did not even email me for an interview.

What I have been wondering is if Rance doesn't like me, or is he too afraid to interview me? Just wondering. Of course, I am a big fan of thrillers and Rance has definitely been keeping me and I assume all of his fans in suspense.

Yours truly,
Rancette"

Once again, if anyone out there sees my blog, you are more than welcome to post. Since men are overappreciated in Hollywood, you are welcome to send me a list of your favorite actresses and why you appreciate them.

Yours Truly, rancette at 4:33 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:52 AM PDT
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Friday, 16 July 2004
2nd post to Rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
OK, my 2nd post has been submitted to Rance's site, and it was recently posted. This very nice person named Robyn responded to my first post.

I am obviously not going to post her response on this page, because I did not have her permission. So please go to 7/14/04 reader comments if you want to read Robyn's response. It is about how taking over for Rance could be quite dangerous.

Anyway, here is mine:

"Robyn,

That's OK. No offense taken. I always lived in fear of my parents and sibling(s) and growing up, always used to think there was a chance they might try to kill me.

At first when you said you hoped there wouldn't be any murder attempts, I thought you meant you hoped I wouldn't kill anyone.

Don't worry. I am a peaceful person. But I like loads of violence in my movies just as much as the next person. I riddle my scripts with violence.

I expect lots of people would be upset if I took over and I would not expect to take their comments too seriously. I bet a lot of people would think I (or anyone else who would replace Rance for that matter) would suck.

But I would hope to do my best. And I would listen to the good stuff about me and not the bad stuff (I am always up for constructive criticism however).

Also, what makes this site interesting is that Rance posts the negative comments as well as the positive. The negative comments crack me up the most. Because while I love and support Rance, it is always interesting to see the other side of the story.

Yours truly,
Rancette"

Thank you for coming here. I'm not aware of anyone actually knowing about the existence of this blog.

I didn't advertise it yesterday, because it hadn't been created. But now that it has been, I will try to make the world aware of it.

Yours Truly, rancette at 11:21 AM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:54 AM PDT
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Thursday, 15 July 2004
I'm so vain, I bet you think this blog is about me
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Thank you for coming to my website. I had the honor of being approved for posting on Rance's site today and it went to my head a little bit.

Here it is, unedited.

"FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: RANCETTE

Dear Rance,

I always thought my parents' choice of name for me was a little strange. I was the only Rancette in preschool, all the way up through college. Never partying and always studying (in fact I worked in the school library and had glasses), I never fooled around and thought it would pay off.

It didn't. I moved to L.A. to become a screenwriter, but my scripts were left-of-center. Since I didn't know anyone, I decided to take up acting and to star in my own movies. I also got corrective eye surgery and did something with my hair. In the meantime, my spec script was bought by a studio and suddenly, I didn't have to act anymore.

I started being invited to posh parties and hobnobbing with stars I thought I would never meet. Hard work and endurance finally did pay off. I have finally come to appreciate my name, although I have a pseudonym, because my agent said no one is going to buy a script from a lady named `Rancette.' After all, I did get called `Rancid' when I was a young child, and came home to my mother crying on several occasions.

I, too, have fascinations about Cary Grant and Marlene Dietrich in a swimming pool, but have settled for reality: watching Ludivine Sagnier and Charlotte Rampling in Swimming Pool.

From Bette Davis to Audrey Hepburn to Gwyneth Paltrow, I admire the actresses of the ages. Rance's blog needs a female perspective and I feel I can give it that. Although I love to travel the world, I haven't traveled as much as Rance, due to the fact that I am still really enjoying L.A. and don't want to miss out on all the parties.

If chosen to shorten my name to Rance, I would be honored and delighted. Because I thought I would be satiated when I entered the film industry and would become bored with it quite quickly. Not so. I watch even more movies than I ever have, in the quest to come up with a script that is entirely original. To do so, I must do research and make sure my ideas have never been done before.

This is quite a challenge. But I am successful now beyond my wildest dreams and want to make my mark in film. I would like the forum to speak my mind, and would also like to allow others to have their say.

I would allow more posts, and not screen so much. That is not to say that you are wrong for only posting so many messages on your site, Rance. It's just that I feel that the people out there addicted to your site should have as many messages to read as they would like, so that instead of your blog adding a little something to their life, they will become addicted and it will ruin their existence.

Yours truly,

Rancette"

Thank you for indulging me. I am also completely interested in what other people have to say. In fact, my whole life I have been the listener (being the writer I am). It is only recently that I have learned to shout out what I think and I am trying to make up for lost time.



Yours Truly, rancette at 3:55 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:56 AM PDT
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