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Thursday, 21 October 2004
Agent Rancette Apprehends Charlie Kaufman By Accident
Topic: Agent Rancette
inspired by Anachronist

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT

Charlie Kaufman and his wife, Denise, are sitting down to a nice dinner.

CHARLIE: So I'm making progress with my new script.

DENISE: That's great. Is it almost finished?

Agent Rancette and her backup burst through the door of the restaurant with her gun pointed squarely at Charlie Kaufman.

AGENT RANCETTE: Hold it right there! We've got the building surrounded. Don't anyone make a move.

CHARLIE: Agent Rancette! I admit it! Just don't SHOOT ME! Just don't harm my wife! I admit it! I am Rance!

AGENT RANCETTE: Charlie, are you serious? Ha ha! We were actually busting Tony Rotolo, the big druglord in town. Sam, you take down Tony and his men. I'm going to deal with Charlie here, AKA Rance.

DENISE: You bitch! Hands off my husband. He didn't do anything.

AGENT RANCETTE: Lady, this man fooled a whole Internet community into thinking he was some A-list actor.

CHARLIE: Well, I did do some acting in college.

DENISE: Bitch, stop interfering with our dinner! You busted Tony-what's-his-face. And I'm sure the agency is going to give you a big raise for it. Now leave us alone.

CHARLIE: Yeah, besides anyway, I'm not really Rance.

AGENT RANCETTE: Oh no, you're Rance. I saw the look in your eye. You thought I had really caught you. You're no actor. There's no way some second-rate amateur like you could have pulled that off. And if you were acting, you deserve an Academy Award for fooling me!

CHARLIE: You're right I deserve an Academy Award. But not for acting. You know I'm the greatest screenwriter in town.

AGENT RANCETTE: That may be so. But I just want to know one thing...

The other agents lose grip of Tony Rotolo, as a tommy gun appears from out of nowhere.

Denise pushes Agent Rancette in the line of fire. No body has been shot full of holes more times since Bonnie or Clyde.

DENISE: Now only we know the truth.

CHARLIE: MUHAHAHAAAA!

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:15 AM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 21 October 2004 6:18 AM PDT
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Wednesday, 29 September 2004
Agent Rancette finds Naomi Watts' Secret diary...
Now Playing: cue scary music
Topic: Agent Rancette
...revealing her Birthday details + tapes of her phone being tapped.

AGENT RANCETTE: Judge, I'd like to submit this as evidence.

The judge opens the diary.

September 28, 2004


Dear Diary,

Today was my birthday. I got together with Nic and the security guards threw out Heath when he tried to show up. But it still wasn't the same. I got a beautiful emerald necklace from [deleted]. I know he's interested in me, but I'm not really interested in him. I hate to break his heart. But mine is breaking right now. Because "the only one I've ever loved has gone away". I can't stop crying. See my tears on the page.

Yours so truly,
Naomi


JUDGE: Hmm, interesting. I've always been a fan of Naomi myself. I never dreamed that I'd be reading her diary one day. This is so cool.

Agent Rancette shows the judge tapes.

AGENT RANCETTE: And these are the tapes of the phone call, placed right after she penned the diary entry.

Rancette hits the play button.

NAOMI: Hello?

RANCE: Hello, sweetie!

NAOMI: Rance! You called! You remembered!

RANCE: Of course, sweetie. Happy Birthday! I've been thinking about you all day.

NAOMI: You have?

RANCE: Of course, I even thought of what to name our baby.

NAOMI: But I'm not pregnant!

RANCE: I know, but I've still thought of a name for our child.

NAOMI: That is so sweet.

RANCE: You'll love it.

NAOMI: Tell me.

RANCE: Romice.

NAOMI: Oh, I love it. How did you find that name?

RANCE: Well, my love, both of our names have 5 letters in it.

NAOMI: Yes?

RANCE: We both have an "A" and an "N" in our names.

NAOMI: Yes?

RANCE: Take those letters away, and the ones remaining are R-O-M-I-C-E.

NAOMI: Romice! That is so perfect. I want to marry you right now.

RANCE: Wait Naomi...

NAOMI: Oh, I love the way you say my name.

RANCE: Naomi, I have to conquer the world first.

NAOMI: But Rance, honey, you couldn't exactly conquer the whole world! I'm afraid you'll never marry me if you're waiting for something that may never happen.

RANCE: Are you questioning me?

NAOMI: No?

RANCE: You totally killed the mood. I don't know if I like you anymore.

NAOMI: But Rance! It's my BIRTHDAY. You can't break up with me on my BIRTHDAY! I had a terrible time all day. Everyone remembered, but I felt so crummy until I received your call. Don't tell me you're breaking up with me. I couldn't handle it.

[Rance's line goes dead. Naomi sobs into her end of the receiver.]


JUDGE: So what exactly are we investigating here?

AGENT RANCETTE: I was hired to find out about the strange disappearance of Naomi Watts.

JUDGE: Well, she "disappeared" because Rance had no interest in her anymore. So people stopped caring about her.

AGENT RANCETTE: No she DISAPPEARED. She's missing! Take this seriously, Judge. I want the diary entry and the tapes filed as evidence. I want you to issue a search warrant for Rance's place. You need to do this. Before it's too late. Naomi may be in danger!

TO BE CONTINUED...

(Actually, I'm not going to continue this. I want this left up to your imagination.)

Yours Truly, rancette at 10:59 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 29 September 2004 11:10 AM PDT
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Thursday, 9 September 2004
AGENT RANCETTE, Episode One: Kevin Crosses the (Feder) Line
Topic: Agent Rancette
RANCETTE (V.O.): I had been open for business three days, when my first customer walked through the door. She was a trashy blonde and wasn't wearing a bra. The sight was hard to see.

BLONDE: Are you Agent Rancette?

RANCETTE: Yes, I am.

BLONDE: What kind of agent are you?

RANCETTE: I'm more like a private eye. Like the one in the MALTESE FALCON.

BLONDE: Oh, I've never seen that one. How much is your fee?

RANCETTE: Three thousand per day, plus expenses.

BLONDE: Oh wow, that's cheap. Are you sure you can find him for that?

RANCETTE: Find who?

BLONDE: Well, not exactly find him. I know where he is.

RANCETTE: I see. You want me to trail him. You think he's unfaithful?

BLONDE: OH NO! Kevin would NEVER be unfaithful. We made a preliminary VOW!

RANCETTE: Then what do you want me to do?

BLONDE: I just want some background information on Kevin before we get married. So I know what we're getting into.

RANCETTE: Sure. Kevin, who?

BLONDE: My fiance.

RANCETTE: I know. You already said he was your fiance. What is his last name?

BLONDE: Federline.

RANCETTE: Oh, is he that football player?

BLONDE: No, he's a dancer.

RANCETTE: Like at a strip club?

BLONDE: No, silly. He's my back-up dancer. You know who I am right?

RANCETTE: Refresh my memory. Did we go to school together?

BLONDE: I'm BRITNEY SPEARS!

RANCETTE: Oh. No, I'm sorry, I don't work for celebrities.

BRITNEY: Please, PLEASE! I must have YOU.

RANCETTE: Why?

BRITNEY: Because you're the only female private eye in town.

RANCETTE: Ahh. Well, okay. I must have thirteen thousand up front, though. After the check clears, I'll get to work on the case.

Britney opens her suitcase and pulls out some money. She hands Rancette thirteen thousand in cash.

BRITNEY: I brought some money just in case you wanted payment up front.

TWO WEEKS LATER

BRITNEY: So what is the verdict your honor?

RANCETTE: Well, I don't think you should marry him.

BRITNEY: WHY NOT!?

TO BE CONTINUED AFTER THE COMMERCIAL BREAK...

Yours Truly, rancette at 3:36 AM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 9 September 2004 4:47 AM PDT
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