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Saturday, 6 November 2004
Rance & Rancette Go to Starbucks
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Note from Rancette: I'm kind of excited about RDD's new contest on Rance's site. I submitted an entry which didn't follow the rules though, so I'm working on another one. Also, it will be posted here after everything is announced, so it won't interfere with the contest.

In other news, sorry that I couldn't continue Trigger Week. Maybe I'll post later about movies that copy each other, but not this week.

Now, here is another edition of Rance & Rancette.


Phone conversation between Rance & Rancette:

RANCE
I can't believe it's over.

RANCETTE
You mean Pardon the Interruption?

RANCE
Yeah. Hey, meet me in Starbucks in 20, okay?

Starbucks.

RANCETTE
You didn't say which location.

RANCE
But you knew which one I was talking about.

RANCETTE
Shouldn't you wear sunglasses when you go out in public? Won't somebody recognize you?

RANCE
When you wear sunglasses, people are more prone to examine you.

RANCETTE
I never thought of that.

RANCE
I think you know why we're meeting.

RANCETTE
Are you going to confess your undying love for me?

RANCE
Sorry, I already did that. Last night on my date with Angelina Jolie.

RANCETTE
Oh, come on, you're not really back together, are you?

RANCE
What's it to you? I think it's sick that you have a crush on someone like me. I've had more flops than Ben Affleck, but I can't even seem to get any bad press.

RANCETTE
Are you saying you're back with Angie for the publicity then?

RANCE
Look, I didn't come here to discuss my personal life.

Rancette sighs.

RANCETTE
So what do you want then?

RANCE
Look, they know I've done a bit of writing before. And I've been hired to write Pardon the Interruption the movie.

RANCETTE
Congratulations!

RANCE
Only thing is, I just don't have it in me. Are you jealous that they chose me and not you?

RANCETTE
No, of course not. I'm just glad I was a part of it in some minute way.

RANCE
Well, how about ghostwriting? I'll pay you seventy-five percent of what they're giving me. My name goes on the script. It would be good experience for you.

RANCETTE
Well, I think it would hurt to see you get all the credit for something I've done, Billy Bob. But it's a deal.

Angelina Jolie pulls up in a red mini-convertible.

RANCE
I thought you were in Sudan!

ANGELINA
I thought you wanted to get back together! I caught you red-handed with some chick who...

RANCE
Angie, calm down. She's just helping me write some script.

ANGELINA
What script?

RANCE
Pardon the Interruption!

ANGIE
Liar!

RANCE
I can't take this anymore!!

ANGIE
Neither can I! I'm taking Maddox back to Cambodia with me and you will never see the child I'm pregnant with.

RANCETTE
Billy Bob, I just had a revelation! Angelina would be perfect as Anna.

RANCE
Honey, do you want to be in the movie? It's about a girl who discovers secrets from her long-lost past. Rancette here is writing the script.

Angelina Jolie signs on to play the role of Anna, instead of being in Tomb Raider 3. Pardon the Interruption is a such a big hit that Billy Bob & Angie's marriage stays intact for the time being. A&BB call the baby Anna Montoya Thornton.

Yours Truly, rancette at 5:27 AM PST
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink
Tuesday, 5 October 2004
Rance and Rancette go to a Funeral
Topic: Rance & Rancette
RANCE: Hey, Rancette. I'm going to a funeral.

RANCETTE: Oh, I'm sorry. Who died? Anyone close to you?

RANCE: Yeah, family.

RANCETTE: I'm sorry.

RANCE: It's ok. She was older. We knew she was going to pass away soon.

RANCETTE: Still it hurts.

RANCE: Listen, would you like to go to the reception?

RANCETTE: But, I mean, this is a personal affair.

RANCE: Well, the funeral reception's for Janet Leigh.

RANCETTE: WHAT!? You're related to Janet Leigh!?

RANCE: Yes.

RANCETTE: How?

RANCE: Well, why don't you come and find out?

* * *

Setting: funeral reception.

Everyone is dressed in black, from head to toe. Rancette sees Jamie Lee Curtis from a distance. She also sees several people that she does not recognize. She wanders to the food table and picks out fruit and some little sandwiches.

Jamie Lee Curtis walks up to a podium.

JAMIE: Everybody. I would like to say a few words. She was the greatest mom. (starts crying) I can't go on!

KELLY: As Janet's other daughter, I would like to take over for Jamie. I want this to be a very special day and for everyone to think of their best memory of our mom.

Kelly and Jamie hug. Everyone applauds.

OLD AUNT (to Rancette): I don't recognize you! Are you one of those crazy fanatics Janet had? HELP! HELP!

Christopher Guest runs up, trying to hold the Old Aunt back from striking Rancette.

CHRISTOPHER GUEST: Now Aunt Lulu, this is Rancette. She's a close friend to Jamie and me.

OLD AUNT: Well, if you say so. See you later, Chrissy-boy.

RANCETTE: Wow, thank you for saving me like that. Did Rance tell you I was coming?

CHRISTOPHER GUEST: I am Rance!

RANCETTE: No way! I would have never guessed. I thought you were much older.

CHRISTOPHER GUEST: Well, I'm no spring-chicken.

RANCETTE: You did say Janet was "family". You should have specified that she was your mother-in-law.

CHRISTOPHER GUEST: Well, I didn't want to give it away. Weren't you surprised? Wasn't this what you were least expecting?

RANCETTE: Are there any other stars here?

CHRISTOPHER GUEST: What!? You're not satisfied? You want to see other stars? Get out of here you ungrateful fool! Security!

Security throws Rancette outside the gates.

THE END

Yours Truly, rancette at 7:29 AM PDT
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Wednesday, 15 September 2004
Rance & Rancette: Two Month Anniversary Edition
Topic: Rance & Rancette
It's been two months since I started my blog. As of today or very recently, my blog has become available for trading on blogshares.com.

I'd like to thank all of you for joining me on this tumultuous journey. We've only just begun, but let me tell you I've had fun so far.

Without further ado, here's the next "Rance & Rancette."


chat transcript between Rance & Rancette.
time: about two-three weeks ago

RANCE:
Hi.

RANCETTE:
Hi.

RANCE:
Have you called the Wacky Wafers hotline yet?

RANCETTE:
No.

RANCE: You know, if you're dying to be my "friend", you have to do what Rubber Duckie says.

RANCETTE: Oh, I am planning to call them.

RANCE: Really!?

RANCETTE: Of course. To tell them, I don't give a **** about Wacky Wafers and that it's good they discontinued them.

RANCE: That's really mean. I was going to tell you my identity, but not now.

RANCETTE: LMAO. Yeah riiight!!

RANCE: I was.

RANCETTE: From our previous conversations, I've eliminated a bunch of possibilities.

RANCE: Okay.

RANCETTE: I believe I've figured out who you are.

RANCE: Who?

RANCETTE: I'll tell you if you promise you'll tell me if I'm right.

RANCE: Fair, enough. After all, you thought I was Marlon Brando at one point. You're off your rocker!!! MUHAHAHA!

RANCETTE: It's called suspense of disbelief, Rance.

RANCE: Ahahaaaa!

RANCETTE: Alright, you ready for my guess?

RANCE: Shoot.

RANCETTE: Owen Wilson.

RANCE: How did you arrive at that conclusion?

RANCETTE: Well I traced your server and it was registered under "Luke Wilson." Knowing that you share your house with your brother and that you're the writer of the family, I naturally assumed it was you. So tell me. Are you Owen Wilson?

RANCE: Yes.

RANCETTE: You are!?

RANCE: Yes.

RANCETTE: Prove it. Do you have a webcam?

RANCE: Yes.

RANCETTE: Great. Hook it up.

RANCE: You have a webcam, right?

RANCETTE: No...

RANCE: I will let you see my webcam only if you have one.

RANCETTE: OK. BRB.

Rancette runs to [undisclosed electronics store].

RANCETTE: Back.

Rancette hooks up her webcam.

RANCE: Ooh, pretty, pretty.

RANCETTE: Aren't you going to hook up yours now? I knew it. I've been had.

Rance hooks up his webcam. "Rance" is wearing a ski mask and is holding a DVD of "I Spy" in front of his face.

RANCETTE: Who are you really, Rance?

RANCE: I can't tell you. You guessed wrong.

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:25 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 15 September 2004 6:27 AM PDT
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Sunday, 29 August 2004
Get thee to a nunnery! continued
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Sister Joan, Math Teacher at St. Francis Academy, Part II of II

Thursday evening: non-diary entry

Sister Joan bumps into Father Cooper in the Computer Lab. She politely faces him and not his computer, not trying to be nosy by reading his computer screen.

FC: Sister Joan, I hear you're leaving us? Have you always wanted to go to Africa?

Sister Joan breaks down crying.

SJ: I don't want to go to Africa!

FC: You're our most patient teacher. I wish we had more teachers like you. Stay here!

SJ: I can't. Mother Superior said I have to go and that I can't talk to you about it.

FC: Of course you can talk to me about it. I'm sure this is a control issue for Mother Superior and I will do anything in my power to help you.

SJ: Oh, Father Cooper, I should have confessed this to you and not her in the first place. But it's so terrible!

FC: You can tell me.

SJ: I'm madly in love with you!

FC: Sister Joan, do you not remember your vows?

SJ: Yes, I do, but...

Father Cooper looks at the computer screen.

FC: Holy cow! Gigglepriest is here!

SJ: I'm sorry?

Father Cooper points to the computer.

FC: Gigglepriest, my chat-friend.

SJ: Oh, he sounds familiar.

FC: Oh, you chat at the vat too?

Sister Joan has a horrifying revelation. Father Cooper is Rance!!!

SJ: Are you Rance?

FC/RANCE: Don't tell anyone!

SJ: I'll call up the L.A. Times.

FC/RANCE: What do you want? Anything! I'll pay you off.

SJ: Tell Mother Superior not to transfer me to Africa.

FC/RANCE: Whew. I thought you still wanted to run away together.

SJ: There's a good idea! Do you want to?

FC/RANCE: I'm sorry, Sister Joan. I'll twist Mother Superior's arm, so you can stay here.

SJ: No. If you can't return my feelings, I'd rather go to Africa. Now I understand why you haven't been posting to Rance's site, Father Cooper. You were too busy with the opening of the new orphanage this week.

FC/RANCE: Riiiight! Bingo.

Rance tries to log into tripod.com to denounce any potential rumors that he is a priest. Sister Joan looks at Rance's computer screen, horrified. She forgot to log out the last time.

FC/RANCE: This isn't my site! Who's Rancette? You're Rancette!

SJ: Oh, my goodness, this is too much to handle!

FC/RANCE: Always log out on public computers, honey.

SJ: So you're not Quentin Tarantino?

FC/RANCE: No.

SJ: And not George Clooney?

FC/RANCE: No.

SJ: Owen Wilson, Jim Carrey, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon?

FC/RANCE: No, no, no, no!

SJ: What about Keith Thomason?

FC/RANCE: Who's Keith Thomason?

SJ: I'm am saddened by your great lies.

FC/RANCE: What are you talking about? I used to be an actor and I was involved in a few scuffles back in my day. I saw my name in print.

SJ: That explains why you're so handsome.

FC/RANCE: I know about the nuns calling me Gary Cooper behind my back too. And as for you, you're the liar. You aren't a screenwriter. You're holed up at the school all day.

Sister Joan blushes.

SJ: Actually, being in the convent hasn't limited me. I find time to write whenever I can. And yes, I do have an agent and have been working on scripts. This is L.A.! What do you think I've been doing in the Computer Lab?

FC/RANCE: What did you do with the money from the sale of your script!

SJ: I donated it to the building of the orphanage of course! How do you think we got enough money? See, God always provides a way. So you're still up for running away together?

Rance, thunderstruck, begs Mother Superior to transfer crazy Sister Joan to Africa, the heck away from him!

Notes: I forgot to note what segments were fiction. If they are Rance & Rancette stories, chances are they are fiction. I will admit that this story is not true, even though I've always wanted to be a nun. And we all know Rance chats at the Vat! Wait a sec, this story is true!

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:32 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 29 August 2004 7:44 AM PDT
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Saturday, 28 August 2004
Get thee to a nunnery!
Topic: Rance & Rancette
From the Diary of Sister Joan, Math Teacher at St. Francis Academy, Part I of II

Tuesday-Mother Superior says I'm doing a good job teaching the kids math. Sister Helen made a catty comment about how only brainiacs teach math. God blessed me with a talent for teaching, and I always liked every subject when I was in school. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Father Cooper is exceedingly handsome. All the sisters call him Gary Cooper behind his back. God please forgive me these evil thoughts I have about him. But I cannot tell him how I feel in confession, because then he would know. Is this wrong? I pray to God it isn't, and confess to God of wanting Father Cooper, instead of confessing to Father Cooper.


Wednesday- I asked Mother Superior for advice. I told her that I felt guilty about not being able to confess to Father Cooper about YOU KNOW WHAT and she said it was ok if I confessed to her instead. Now, Mother Superior is flying off the wall, saying I will probably be transferred to Africa, away from Father Cooper! This is terrible.

Susie's doing so good after I started tutoring her and she was failing before. If Sister Bertha starts teaching math again, Susie will be tossed out on the waves. And oh, how I will miss Father Cooper preaching every Sunday. And I'll miss seeing him in the cafeteria. And in the Computer Lab. And the counseling sessions we had to monitor my progress. He always said the sweetest things like "You're the sister with the most patience" or "I wish we had more teachers like you."

I always dreamed we'd run away together. Of course, that is not possible, because we have both taken vows. I have been forbidden to see Father Cooper, but I wanted to at least confess to him and see if Mother Superior's decision was fair.


Notes from Rancette (sorry I don't have an Administrative Staff): I was going to post this all in one post, but I decided to split it up on the weekend, otherwise there wouldn't be a post on Sunday.

ResDog


I was going to rip off a quote or something from Reservoir Dogs, but then I forgot what I was going to rip off. I'm still trying to think of it, so here's hoping I figure it out by tomorrow.


The pic is dedicated to Tad Bitter. Yes, it really was that easy! However, I will not post pics all the time.



Yours Truly, rancette at 6:12 AM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 28 August 2004 6:37 AM PDT
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004
Rance & Rancette: Rance's Fatal Mistake
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Notes from Rancette (sorry I have no administrative staff):

Annie said in my comments:
"Rance might get jealous if he has some competition."

You know, I should have thought of this sooner, Annie. You're a genius! Instead of moping about, begging Rance to pay me attention, I should devote my blog to other people and he could get jealous. However, I already had this installment of Rance & Rancette written, so going gaga for Quentin will have to wait.


FADE IN

INT. HOLLYWOOD MANSION

Lavish Hollywood party. PUNCH BOWL BOY (who looks alarmingly like
John, Rance & Rancette's waiter) is serving punch to the guests.

PUNCH BOWL BOY
Hi, how are you?

Hands her a cup of punch.

RANCETTE
I'm doing good, thanks. I'm *BLEEP*. What's your
name?

PUNCH BOWL BOY
*BLEEP*.

Rancette feels a shadowy figure behind her. She turn around to find
George Clooney checking her out.

GEORGE
Hello, beautiful.

RANCETTE
George, I always heard of what a ladies man you were,
but I never knew for sure until now.

GEORGE
What are you talking about?

Rancette blushes as George smiles a great big Clooney smile and
looks right in her eyes.

RANCETTE
Well, I uh...

They talk for a half hour. Dialogue not posted for spacial limits.

The next day Rancette checks Rance's site as usual. She is
shocked to find his first post in over a week. This post includes all the
details of George & Rancette's conversation from the night before. Worse
yet, George/Rance reveals Rancette's professional name!

Rancette calls up several reporters who worked on reporting the initial
"Who is Rance?" stories. None of them believe that she knows George Clooney
is Rance. Rancette takes matters into her own hands.

INT. ANOTHER VERY SIMILAR HOLLYWOOD MANSION

Lavish, extravagant Hollywood party. Pink and Britney Spears are
here, among Scarlett Johansson and Jake Gyllenhaal. Rancette is about
to introduce herself to Jake (the moment she has been waiting for
all her life)! But George Clooney is here, she sees, as she
looks past Jake. George Clooney must be dealt with.

RANCETTE
(to George)
Why hello, again Clooney. I bet you weren't expecting
to hear from me anytime soon.

GEORGE
(putting on the charm)
Oh, angel lips! Great to see you baby doll.

RANCETTE
Cut it out, Rance.

A look of horror crosses George/Rance's face.

RANCE
Please don't tell anyone.

RANCETTE
That depends.

RANCE
On what?

RANCETTE
If you cooperate.

RANCE
I'm not going to pay you off...

RANCETTE
Well, you don't have to. This is just about the right
time for your identity to be revealed anyway.

RANCE
How did you figure it out? Are you Lora? Robyn?
Waxwing? Is waxwing a girl? A man? Oh my go...

Rancette giggles.

RANCETTE
No, I'm not going to reveal my identity. But
let's just say I'm on top of things.

RANCE
Wait, I know who you are. You're that screenwriter.
You're Rancette!

RANCETTE
W-Wait a minute, George.

RANCE
Two can play this game.

RANCETTE
I was kind of ticked off that you used my real
name in your post, Rance.

RANCE
I'm sorry.

RANCETTE
Sorry's too bad. There's only one way out of this
trap, Rance. And guess what the price to pay is?

Rance winces.

RANCE
What?

RANCETTE
You post everyday on your blog, until you want me
to spill your identity to the world.

RANCE
Simple enough. I can get Rubber Duckie to cover
Mondays and Wednesdays and Gus Openshaw to cover
Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'll do Fridays. Who can
do weekends? You, Rancette??

RANCETTE
Although thrilled you finally offered your blog to
me, the answer is no. No guest bloggers.

RANCE
But that would be impossible! I can't post everyday.
I don't have internet access on weekends!

RANCETTE
You're going to have to find a way, Rance. Unless
you want your identity to be revealed to the world.

Rance suddenly starts posting everyday, much to the surprise of his fans.
They all live happily ever after, except Gus Openshaw, Rocky, and
Rubber Duckie, who wonder why they were suddenly cut out of being guest
bloggists.

FADE OUT

THE END

Yours Truly, rancette at 9:57 AM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:38 AM PDT
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Sunday, 22 August 2004
Rance and Rancette Go To the Oscars
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Part Two of Two

No limo shows up, even an hour past the designated time. Rancette
shows up to the Oscars in a light pink Versace gown. Security
guards take her away, because she has no invitation.

Rancette is sitting in jail, next to crazy lunatics.

RANCETTE
(to guard)
Excuse me, could we watch the Oscars?

GUARD
Ha, looks like you're all dressed up with nowhere
to go.

RANCETTE
Well, I was supposed to go to the Oscars with
this actor I met, but he stood me up. He's so high
and mighty. I hope he loses!!!

GUARD
He's nominated? Where did you meet him?

RANCETTE
On the Internet. We were both in the L.A. area so...

GUARD
So have you ever met him?

RANCETTE
No.

GUARD
Who did he claim to be?

RANCETTE
He didn't say. I sent him a picture of me and gave
him my address.

GUARD
That was really stupid. Hey, I'm glad you're
in jail. He might have tried to break into your
house tonight while you were at the Oscars.

RANCETTE
How could he break into my house if he were at the
Oscars?

GUARD
Dummy. He isn't a Hollywood actor. He lied to you.

RANCETTE
But his name is Rance. He's an anonymous poster
on the Internet who...

GUARD
Holy ****! You don't mean THE Rance? (chuckles)
Boy, he sured pulled one over on you.

ANNOUNCER ON TV (O.C.)
Please welcome the presenter for Best Actor...
Renee Zellweger!

Renee Zellweger walks to the podium.

RENEE (V.O.)
The nominees are as follows... Denzel Washington
for "Manchurian Candidate", Jim Carrey for "Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", Tom Cruise for
"Colla-la-teral", Jude Law for "I Heart Huckabee's"
and Colin Farrell for "At Home at the End of the World".

Camera shows Denzel, trying to keep his cool. It cuts to Jim Carrey, with
pursed lips and a sweating brow. Tom Cruise winces when Renee stumbles over
announcing his movie. Jude Law leans a little too forward in his chair.
He is anxious. Colin Farrell expects to lose and is rolling his eyes.

RENEE
And the winner is... JIM CARREY! Wow.

Jim Carrey races to the podium, briefly kissing his ex-girlfriend.
He pulls out his list.

JIM CARREY
I have an important announcement. I would like to
take this opportunity to announce to the world
that I am... Rance! I'd like to thank Waxwing,
Robyn, Rubber Duckie, Gus Openshaw, Shorty, Jay, Lora,
Ginny, Gigglechick, Wheeler Jones, Agent Pepito
and BabyGirlCrow. For all you fools at the Academy,
it's high time someone recognized my genius.

The music starts playing. The camera shows Denzel with a "what the **** look"
on his face. The camera cuts to Colin Farrell, crying.

FADE OUT



THE END

Yours Truly, rancette at 7:59 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 22 August 2004 4:09 PM PDT
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Friday, 20 August 2004
Rance and Rancette Go to the Oscars
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Part One of Two


RANCE
Rancette, what are you doing this Sunday?

RANCETTE
I'm going to be at home. Eat something
fattening. OH MY GOSH THE OSCARS ARE THIS SUNDAY!?
Are you going to watch them?

RANCE
Well, yeah.

RANCETTE
Duh. I can't believe it's this time of year again.
I almost forgot.

RANCE
Uh huh.

RANCETTE
It's always been a dream of mine to win an Oscar.
Maybe someday, right?

RANCE
Right. Me too.

RANCETTE
Say, I know we're not supposed to talk about your
"true identity" Rance, but have you ever been to the
Oscars?

RANCE
Well, actually, I'm going tonight. I'm nominated.

RANCETTE
You're going to BE THERE!?

RANCE
Yes, I'm nominated.

RANCETTE
You ARE!?

RANCE
Yes, and actually, I'd like it if you'd accompany
me.

RANCETTE
I'd LOVE TO! You aren't pulling my leg?

RANCE
No, I'll have a limo pick you up.

RANCETTE
I have the perfect dress. I bought it, and I thought
"this is too extravagant. Where would I ever wear
this?"

RANCE
I think I'd look smart with a screenwriter.
That's why I chose you.

RANCETTE
I bet your date canceled at the last moment.

RANCE
Actually, she did.

RANCETTE
I could go down the list of the actors that are
nominated and figure out who you are.

RANCE
You could.

RANCETTE
And I'd be thrilled to be with any one of them.

RANCE
Really, but what if I'm the bald guy nominated?

RANCETTE
(hesitates)
Well, I would still go out with you, of course. Just
not kiss you.

RANCE
I'm not asking for a kiss. Just a date.

RANCETTE
Uh huh, well I should make it a requirement for
you to kiss me if you're any of these other actors.
My payment for being your date.

RANCE
Nope. Your "payment" is the enjoyment of the
Oscars. I bet you've never been.

RANCETTE
No. Maybe I'll be a guest this year, but I plan
to be nominated in a few years. And then, maybe I'd
invite you.

RANCE
See you in a few.

Rancette anxiously awaits by the window, as time for the Oscars draws near.



TO BE CONTINUED...

Yours Truly, rancette at 7:31 AM PDT
Updated: Friday, 20 August 2004 8:46 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink
Wednesday, 18 August 2004
My Dinner With Rance
Topic: Rance & Rancette
The names, restaurant, hair colors, ages, and menu items have been deleted for the privacy of Rance and Rancette.
FADE IN

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT -- EARLY EVENING

RANCETTE mid-[deleted], [deleted] hair is at a lonely table,
checking her watch every 5 seconds.

JOHN, the young, inexperienced waiter hurries by Rancette's table.

RANCETTE
Excuse me, could I have a drink?

JOHN
Yes, ma'am.

RANCETTE
My date's coming, I swear.

JOHN
Yes, ma'am.

RANCETTE
Maybe he doesn't exist.

JOHN
What do you want to drink?

RANCETTE
Could I see a wine list?

JOHN
Wait, wait. Did you meet on the Internet?

RANCETTE
Yes, but we're in the same industry.

JOHN
Oh, the movies I bet!

RANCETTE
Yes, actually.

JOHN
Oh, right. I bet he said he's some producer, or some
actor... I bet I'll recognize him!

RANCETTE
Oh, you will. I hope you're not some aspiring
actor who's going to disturb our dinner, asking
questions...

JOHN
No, no, no. I'll be right there with your wine
list.

Rancette spots RANCE, a charming man in his mid-[deleted] with wavy [deleted] hair.

RANCETTE
Nevermind, John. I don't feel like drinking now.

John, annoyed, hurries to more important customers. Rance sits at the empty
chair across from Rancette.

RANCE
May I?

Rancette blushes.

RANCETTE
I can't believe this. You really showed up, Rance.

RANCE
Shh!! Shh!! Call me [deleted]. I don't want
anyone to suspect I'm Ra-, you know who.

RANCETTE
Ok, [deleted]. I still can't believe it. I'm
reeling.

RANCE
It's no big deal.

RANCETTE
You know it is. You're loving every minute of
your stardom.

RANCE
It can get lonely.

RANCETTE
Being a writer's a lonelier job.

RANCE
Well, I don't know. Sometimes people are too
afraid to approach you, because of your status. I
have teenage girls screaming and clamoring for me,
but that isn't satisfying.

Rancette picks up the menu.

RANCETTE
What'll you have?

RANCE
Well, the [deleted] looks good.

RANCETTE
Oh, yes.

RANCE
But I don't know. I think I may have the [deleted].

RANCETTE
Why don't you have the [deleted] and I'll have the
[deleted] and we can share.

RANCE
Don't get the wrong idea. I'm dating [deleted]
right now.

RANCETTE
I'm in love with [deleted], with Rance, but not
you.

RANCE
Don't say my name!!

RANCETTE
Oh sorry, someone might figure out who you are.

RANCE
Who we are.

RANCETTE
I think our waiter would be impressed with you.

RANCE
No, look at all the stars, here. There's [deleted].
[deleted] comes here all the time.

RANCETTE
[deleted], you have no reason to be humble. You're
a great actor. Be proud.

RANCE
So back to this meeting.

RANCETTE
It's nice to meet you.

RANCE
It's nice to meet YOU. I thought you'd be some
crazed fan.

RANCETTE
Then why did you agree to meet me?

RANCE
I was curious. And I could always walk out, no? I
thought I'd give you a chance.

RANCETTE
I have to say I like risk-takers.

John approaches table.

JOHN
What could I getcha?

RANCE
I'll have the [deleted] with [deleted] on the
side and extra [deleted].

RANCETTE
It seems you come here all the time.

RANCE
Yes, this is where I take all my dates.

JOHN
So you met on the internet, she tells me.

RANCE
(to Rancette)
Will you keep your lousy mouth shut?

RANCETTE
I'm sorry. John figured it out.

JOHN
Wow, I'd never figure a star like you would scope
out chicks in chat rooms late at night.

RANCE
(irritated)
We didn't meet in a chat room, John. And if you
want the usual extravagant tip, I suggest you get
in the kitchen and give the cook our order.

John submissively shuts up and moves on.

RANCETTE
I'm sorry, Ra... shoot. I keep calling you, you
know...

RANCE
That's okay. This dude is getting suspicious. I
swear. If he talks this over with the hostess and
she tells her girlfriends, someone is bound to
figure out who I am.

RANCETTE
Oh please, they couldn't assume who you were, just
because you got a date over the Internet.

RANCE
Look, this isn't a "date".

RANCETTE
I know, I know. You're dating [deleted].

RANCE
Right. I was simply trying to satisfy my
curiousity.

RANCETTE
Was it satisfied?

John comes from behind Rancette and holds a knife against her throat
with his right hand.

JOHN
I'm sick of Hollywood stars like you. You have
all this money. You have all this fame. You order
these pricey dinners and go back to your mansions and
sleep soundly. Well, you should be worrying about
the little people, like me. We do all the slaving
for you!

Rancette looks pleadingly at Rance.

RANCE
John, calm down.

JOHN
No, you listen to me, or she gets the cut.

RANCETTE
But I'm not even rich! I just sold my first script.
Hopefully, a studio will buy my second one.

JOHN
I'm not asking for your money, lady. I'm asking
for [deleted]'s.

RANCETTE
But he doesn't have any money. He already lost it
all, paying off...

John releases hold on Rancette.

JOHN
I knew it! I'm rich! I'm set for life. I've
discovered the identity of Rance. [deleted], our
cook, was right! You're the anonymous, blogging
A-list actor who has been paying off people to keep
your idenity secret.

RANCE
Yes, I admit I am Rance. But I was making up paying
off all those people. I have millions left. And
I will spend all I need to put you in prison, John.

Police arrive and take John away in handcuffs. The manager, a fat, well-dressed
man in his mid-[deleted] approaches Rance's table.

MANAGER
Please consider this meal on the house. I am so
sorry about the inconvenience.

RANCE
Inconvenience? Inconvenience! I have kept my
identity secret for almost nine months. [deleted]
here opens her trap, saying I paid people off. John
logically figured out who I was. It's unfortunate
it had to end this way. I was going to reveal my
identity eventually. But it's not the dinner you
have ruined. It is essentially my brilliant scheme,
nine months of hard work.

MANAGER
I am so sorry, sir.

RANCE
I need my time back. Can you give me my time back?
Huh? Can you?

Manager tries to stifle his laugh as BEN AFFLECK (AKA RANCE) tries to relive
one of his worse films ever.

FADE OUT

Yours Truly, rancette at 1:36 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 19 August 2004 9:31 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink
Sunday, 15 August 2004
Rance & Rancette Part Six
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Help me celebrate my one month anniversay of blogging!

I made sure the next installment of Rance & Rancette was available for this special occasion. Thank you for joining me.


RANCETTE
What about all those posts about all those different
places you were visiting? You were too old and
decrepit to travel in your condition, Marlon.
Ha, ha, gotcha now!


RANCE
Rancette, those were memories from my younger days.
Everything I write really happened, but it was a
really long time ago.

RANCETTE
Hmm, so everyone has been obsessed over a has-been
Hollywood star and events that happened 30 years
ago or more.

RANCE
Some consider me to be the greatest actor of all time.

RANCETTE
You were in a few good films. But Streetcar Named
Desire ranks as one of the most tragic excuses
for a film in my book. Vivan Leigh's southern
accent is deplorable!

RANCE
But I was wonderful in On the Waterfront.

RANCETTE
Yes...

RANCE
And the Godfather!

RANCETTE
Oh yes!

RANCE
And admit my chest was in very good shape in Streetcar
Named Desire, even if the film is overrated, if I
do say so myself.

RANCETTE
Oh yes, you were absolutely hotstuff! Even if you
aged really badly.

RANCE
Hold on for a second, Rancette. [withheld] is
IMing me.

Rance returns to Internet conversation 6 minutes later.

RANCE
(cont'd)
Back.

RANCETTE
[withheld] is IMing you! This really doesn't
make any sense, Rance.

RANCE
Why not, Rancette?

RANCETTE
Well, for one thing [withheld] was created after
you claimed the administrative staff took over. How
could you get [withheld]'s screenname if [withheld]'s
name was withheld?

RANCE
Well, uh, um...

RANCETTE (V.O.)
Ha, ha! Rance is now stripped of his power. He
can't even pretend that he is in control of the
blogging world. This is a sad day for bloggers
everywhere and for Hollywood.

Rance logs off, never to be seen or heard from again.



FADE OUT

Yours Truly, rancette at 5:17 AM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 19 August 2004 9:42 AM PDT
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Wednesday, 11 August 2004
Rance and Rancette Part V
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Please read Rance & Rancette Part IV, before reading this one. There are spoilers. Rance's identity was revealed last time.

So, I thought about talking to my agent about a Rance & Rancette script, based on postings to my blog. But that wouldn't work, because:

I do this for the love of it and am not trying to make money (don't tell my agent!!)

My (new) agent doesn't know I'm Rancette.

Even though Marlon Brando had millions of fans, Rance only has thousands, and the movie might not break even.

I hope you enjoy this installment. Keep in mind it's fiction. So without further adieu...

RANCE & RANCETTE PART V
by Rancette

RANCETTE
Well, I have an open mind. I believe in
communicating beyond the grave.

RANCE
I mean, technology is so great! It's so simple
for dead people to send messages these days.
John Lennon could communicate with Yoko now, but
he's not Internet savvy!

RANCETTE
So what would you like me to do, Rance? Marlon?
What should I call you?

RANCE
Anything you please.

RANCETTE
I didn't know they had computers in hell?

RANCE
I never said I was in hell, you *#&@^!

RANCETTE
Well, I figured they used the term "gone
fishing" a little liberally, anyhow. Where
are you?

RANCE
I'm not at liberty to say. But rest assured, it's
somewhere where I'm able to communicate.

RANCETTE
Wait, a second. You said you found out from your
"administrative staff" that I sent you a picture of
Karen O., instead of me. There's no "adminis-
trative" staff.

RANCE
Well, I wasn't intending to reveal my identity, Ran-
cette. I had to tell you something you would believe.
Would you actually believe that a spirit of a 19
year old girl who died in a car crash told me
that? No, I don't think so.

RANCETTE
I see, so you're trapped in some sort of "spirit"
world. I'm sorry, but I still think you're in hell.

RANCE
You're really ticking me off, Rancette. There
are only so many people who I can talk to, now that
I'm dead.

RANCETTE
My apologies. This is kinda cool. You know if this
were a movie, it'd be the Sixth Sense.

RANCE
Yeah, I auditioned for that movie. But M. Night said
"No way would Olivia Williams be with a disgusting
old guy like you." I think Olivia is hot and I've
always regretting not working with her...

RANCETTE
Gross, Rance! TMI! Wait a second, who are you really?
I have to be naive thinking that I'm chatting with
Marlon Brando, first of all. A dead person. Maybe I
could handle that. But certain things just don't
fit.

RANCE
Like what?

RANCETTE
Rance liked to hang out in the Vatican chat room
and Marlon Brando was an athiest.

RANCE
Just because I'm an athiest doesn't mean that I don't
enjoy chatting with the Vatican.

RANCETTE
Well, it seemed unlikely. What about all those
posts about all those different places you were
visiting? You were too old and decrepit to
travel in your condition, Marlon. Ha, ha, gotcha now!



TO BE CONTINUED...

Yours Truly, rancette at 10:30 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 11 August 2004 10:01 PM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink
Rance & Rancette part IV
Mood:  suave
Topic: Rance & Rancette
This post is dedicated to Lora.

The rest of this post is fiction.

RANCE
Like I said before, I'm not Ben Affleck.

Rancette takes another look at the JPEG.

RANCETTE
I can see that!

RANCE
Wait, a member of my administrative staff just told
me that's not your pic that you sent me. It's Karen
O. Who's she?

RANCETTE
Ha, do you think I'd actually show you a real pic
of me? I figured you would know nothing about
punk rock music and would never figure out that
it wasn't me in the picture. But I don't think that
you're Marlon Brando either.

RANCE
I didn't think that you'd believe me. But it's true...

RANCETTE
No!

RANCE
That's right sweetheart, I am Marlon Brando!

RANCETTE
There's so many questions I'd like to ask you Mr.
Brando, but I'm actually more interested in
your rance character. I'd like to ask him questions
first.

RANCE
It's not like I have different personalities.
Ask any questions you want sweetheart.

RANCETTE
Well, it would make sense that you were Marlon
Brando. We haven't seen hide nor hair from you in
awhile. About two weeks after Marlon Brando
died in fact. That would give the administrative
staff enough time to filter through your draft
entries and figure out what the heck they were going
to do. One brilliant intern from USC figured out
that they should hold a "who wants to be the next
Rance" contest.

RANCE
You're catching on sweetheart. Only the intern was
from UCLA. Meanwhile, Jack Nicholson fore-
closed on my house (I never wanted that bastard to
buy my house. I should have written that in my will).
They had to find out where to set up the new HQ, so
it took a few days/weeks before the administrative
staff could post again.

RANCETTE
Wow, Marlon. It's not you who's infatuated with
Rubber Duckie, it's the Admin!

RANCE
Quite right, Rancette. They're turning my blog
into a desecration. I'm the only one who had any-
thing interesting to say. And they spelled Rubber
"Ducky" wrong. I'm no idiot! I know how to spell
*$#@ing "Duckie".

RANCETTE
I noticed that, too.

RANCE
You have a sharp eye. I tried to email them from
you know where, Rancette, but they haven't responded
to any of my frantic emails. If it were a movie, I'd
call it "The Captain Hoof Mutiny."

RANCETTE
Well, I have an open mind. I believe in
communicating beyond the grave.



TO BE CONTINUED...

Yours Truly, rancette at 4:31 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 11 August 2004 10:23 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink
Tuesday, 10 August 2004
rance & rancette part III
Topic: Rance & Rancette
You know, I would have found it hard to sleep if I had known that I would have had 2 comments waiting to be moderated.

But now for what you've all been waiting for: "rance & rancette part 3". Once again I warn you, for my sake and your own, this is fiction!!!



RANCE
Rancette, I'd like to meet you some time.

RANCETTE
Why, so you could take care of me the cheap way?
Stick a knife in my back?

RANCE
No, Rancette. See, I'm this old dude, but you're
impressed with who I am, are you not?

RANCETTE
Well, kind of. In a sick way. I'm just a crazed
fan who would be privileged to go out with any
second-rate actor. But you! I never would have
imagined you'd ask!

RANCE
Rancette, there are people who think I'm second-rate!

Rancette GASPS.

RANCETTE
No!

RANCE
All the reviews, all the message boards on the
Internet, all the death threats I've received...

RANCETTE
My goodness, Rance, you're so whiny and sneaky and
vile... You're so dependent on the attention you get
from the press and your fans and your movie-star
girlfriends that I would have guessed that you
were Ben Affleck!

RANCE
How dare you say that, Rancette! I'm not half the
nincompoop that Ben Affleck is! Besides I don't
talk about my love life on my blog.

RANCETTE
It would be very interesting to read about it. Oh wait,
we already read it in the tabloids!!

RANCE
I respect their privacy.

RANCETTE
"Their" privacy? I get the impression there's
quite a few girls you have on your arm. Not
mentioning them, so they won't find out about each
other, huh!

RANCE
So how about letting me buy you a drink, huh? We
could meet at [restaurant deleted for rance and
rancette's privacy].

RANCETTE
That sounds wonderful Rance, but as I already
mentioned, I'm dating this "younger" actor right now.
But you wouldn't know that, cause you don't read my
blog.

RANCE
Ha, there IS no Hollywood actor! I bet you're making
him up.

RANCETTE
Well, if there isn't, at least I have an "older"
Hollywood actor hitting on me. They're coming
from all directions now, aren't they? They want
Rancette. Well, listen here mister, I'm saying "no."
Can you handle rejection?

RANCE
Like I said before, I'm not Ben Affleck.



TO BE CONTINUED...

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:37 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 11 August 2004 4:08 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink
Monday, 9 August 2004
Rance and Rancette Continued!
Topic: Rance & Rancette
I'm sure you all have been breathlessly waiting for the next installment of Rance & Rancette. I should be working on my new script, but everyone deserves a break, especially if they are as creative as me!

I don't wish to be sued, especially by Rance, so keep in mind this is fiction:



Rancette gasps. The JPEG reveals an old, wrinkly man,
the actor formerly known as ....

RANCE
You won't tell anyone, will you Rancette?

RANCETTE
(lying)
Are you kidding, Rance? I would never!

RANCE
What if they offered you a vast sum of money?

RANCETTE
You are forgetting something essential, Rancey.
You know MY identity.

RANCE
First of all, sweetie, don't call me Rancey. Second
of all, I have your picture, but I don't know who
the hell you are, because you're a screen-writer.
Your face is unrecognizable to me! Even if I did find
out who you were, it wouldn't matter, because
you're nowhere near as infamous as I am!

RANCETTE
Rance, if I can't call you Rancey, you can't call
me sweetie. But you're a smart guy. I'm sure you
can figure out a way to keep me from revealing your
identity as....

RANCE
Don't say it! Don't say it!

RANCETTE
How much will you offer me to keep quiet?

RANCE
I'm sure you know this, but I ran out of money
already! I was paid a huge advance for my auto-
biography, but I had to pay off other people;
so I can't offer you a red cent!

RANCETTE
Well, there is one thing you could do that doesn't
involve paying me anything.

RANCE
Rancette, we've already discussed this. I will
not permit you to take over my blog!

RANCETTE
But I'd let you guest-host anytime you pleased! I
post way more on my blog than you do yours. Just look
at the entries in the last 48 hours!

RANCE
I know. But I have had my blog longer than you,
Rancette. How do I know that the excitement of
having a blog won't wear off? I have thousands
of disappointed fans to think of, Rancette. You
just don't have the experience or the notoriety.

RANCETTE
Oh, please. You have a following of hundreds at the
most! Thousands? Give me a break, Rance!



TO BE CONTINUED...

Yours Truly, rancette at 2:02 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 10 August 2004 6:51 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink
rance & rancette
Mood:  silly
Topic: Rance & Rancette
I think the reason why rance's blog is so exciting is that a blog is only as good as its commentators. And rance has some pretty good ones.

I complained that rance didn't post enough comments, that he was too choosy. Ever since then, he has posted every single comment that has come along. At least he started posting my comments. I only had about one or two or three comments posted on his site. But I have posted four or five or six. Before I created this "rancette" handle, I had two other names.

But do you think rance posted anything I said? No, so I took a different approach, after the first two attempts failed. Since the name "rancette" appealed to his ego, he posted my comments under that name.

I had an idea last night: to write a letter from rance to me. Of course, by morning it evolved into a conversation between rance and me.

So here goes. Please keep in mind, this is fiction!


RANCE
Your blog will never be as good as mine,
Rancette!

RANCETTE
Well, I don't know. My audience is steadily
growing. And yours is steadily...declining!

RANCE
So interest in my blog is waning? But yours
is a spin-off of mine! If people are tired
of my blog, imagine just how tired they will
get of your blog.

RANCETTE
You're right. I should just give up now.

RANCE
There's a girl.

RANCETTE
But I want to know one thing first.

RANCE
What's that?

RANCETTE
Are you Owen Wilson or Jim Carrey... or
God forbid, GEORGE CLOONEY!? Because if
you are, I would either not be able to
contain myself, or I would lose all respect
for you.

RANCE
Rancette, tell me one thing.

RANCETTE
Sure, what?

RANCE
You write like a man who is trying to sound
like a woman. Are you really female?

RANCETTE
I object, your Honor! Why do you say that?
Of course I'm a girl!

RANCE
Show me a picture, then.

A file transfer takes place between Rance and Rancette.

RANCETTE
So what do you think?

RANCE
Rancette! You're gorgeous.

RANCETTE
Wait, was this just a ploy to get me to show
you my picture?

RANCE
Yes, and you took the bait like an actress on
her first day in Hollywood.

RANCETTE
Well, I suppose it would be pointless asking,
but could I see a picture of you?

RANCE
Of course, it's only fair.


A file transfer takes place between Rance and Rancette.

Rancette gasps. The JPEG reveals an old, wrinkly man,
the actor formerly known as ....




TO BE CONTINUED...

Yours Truly, rancette at 5:11 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 11 August 2004 10:22 AM PDT
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