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Agent Rancette
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Sunday, 7 November 2004
Rance is acting weird (like that is anything new!)
A post on Rance's site on a Saturday?! Second time in the history of the world! Well, RDD is in charge, so that may be the reason.

I can't believe I hadn't seen a preview for The Life Aquatic before Saturday. Nope. And what struck me is that Bill Murray is out to kill a whale for REVENGE like GUS OPENSHAW! What?!!?

We've already established that Rance could be Gus. He has the same feel with words like Rance does. The last time Gus wrote to me, I felt sure it was Rance talking to me.

Also, Rance could be... Bill Murray? Connected with The Life Aquatic in some way?

Maybe Gus was part of some test group that wanted to make sure the idea of killing a whale for revenge was cool. Granted, Bill Murray doesn't have one arm missing and his wife and child weren't eaten by the whale. But if Rance is Gus and Rance doesn't have one arm missing and an eaten wife and child... then it all makes sense!

Don't you see how beautifully Rance's story is unfolding? Sometimes I don't know what to think!

UPDATE (this was posted by Rance on his site, Rancetera:

I hadn't planned on it, but for some reason I'm now in the mood for beef. There's a Lowery's on LaCienega where they have basically two things on the menu: 1. Prime Rib 2. The Larger Portion of Prime Rib. It's hauled around the restaurant in a cart that's like a chrome Batmobile by two slicers the size of linemen. Oh wait, I just remembered, I'm a vegan.

Did anyone see Rance at Lowry's? I just saw this post Sunday morning, otherwise who knows if I would have tried to spot him Friday night. Hmm, who knows?

Yours Truly, rancette at 12:01 AM PST
Updated: Monday, 22 November 2004 3:07 PM PST
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Saturday, 6 November 2004
Rance & Rancette Go to Starbucks
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Note from Rancette: I'm kind of excited about RDD's new contest on Rance's site. I submitted an entry which didn't follow the rules though, so I'm working on another one. Also, it will be posted here after everything is announced, so it won't interfere with the contest.

In other news, sorry that I couldn't continue Trigger Week. Maybe I'll post later about movies that copy each other, but not this week.

Now, here is another edition of Rance & Rancette.

Phone conversation between Rance & Rancette:

I can't believe it's over.

You mean Pardon the Interruption?

Yeah. Hey, meet me in Starbucks in 20, okay?


You didn't say which location.

But you knew which one I was talking about.

Shouldn't you wear sunglasses when you go out in public? Won't somebody recognize you?

When you wear sunglasses, people are more prone to examine you.

I never thought of that.

I think you know why we're meeting.

Are you going to confess your undying love for me?

Sorry, I already did that. Last night on my date with Angelina Jolie.

Oh, come on, you're not really back together, are you?

What's it to you? I think it's sick that you have a crush on someone like me. I've had more flops than Ben Affleck, but I can't even seem to get any bad press.

Are you saying you're back with Angie for the publicity then?

Look, I didn't come here to discuss my personal life.

Rancette sighs.

So what do you want then?

Look, they know I've done a bit of writing before. And I've been hired to write Pardon the Interruption the movie.


Only thing is, I just don't have it in me. Are you jealous that they chose me and not you?

No, of course not. I'm just glad I was a part of it in some minute way.

Well, how about ghostwriting? I'll pay you seventy-five percent of what they're giving me. My name goes on the script. It would be good experience for you.

Well, I think it would hurt to see you get all the credit for something I've done, Billy Bob. But it's a deal.

Angelina Jolie pulls up in a red mini-convertible.

I thought you were in Sudan!

I thought you wanted to get back together! I caught you red-handed with some chick who...

Angie, calm down. She's just helping me write some script.

What script?

Pardon the Interruption!


I can't take this anymore!!

Neither can I! I'm taking Maddox back to Cambodia with me and you will never see the child I'm pregnant with.

Billy Bob, I just had a revelation! Angelina would be perfect as Anna.

Honey, do you want to be in the movie? It's about a girl who discovers secrets from her long-lost past. Rancette here is writing the script.

Angelina Jolie signs on to play the role of Anna, instead of being in Tomb Raider 3. Pardon the Interruption is a such a big hit that Billy Bob & Angie's marriage stays intact for the time being. A&BB call the baby Anna Montoya Thornton.

Yours Truly, rancette at 5:27 AM PST
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Wednesday, 3 November 2004
The Fun in Movies
I think I had a revelation. Well, I already knew this, to a certain degree.

I like to know what is going to happen in movies beforehand. Today I think I figured out why.

I used to think that it was because I was a writer and I liked watching as the story unfolded, seeing how the writer maneuvered certain plot tricks. Well, that is true to a certain degree.

Lots of people like to re-watch movies over and over, falling in love with them over and over. To me, this isn't so. I try to watch as many different movies as possible, so I'll be familiar with as much as I can. This doesn't leave a whole lot of time to re-watch movies over and over. Even the ones I want to see again.

I have a huge, long list of movies I want to see again. But they will just have to wait. I like Woody Allen. I have made it a priority to see Annie Hall once every five years. I have a year and a half to go before I see it again.

Ok, the point. I discovered maybe another reason or maybe THE reason I like knowing the plot beforehand. And I think this ties in with my post earlier today. Hollywood plots are old and tired anyway.

I like to what is going to happen, so I know what to expect. Then if the movie does something unexpected (and is still relatively good), I'll like the movie even more.

But THE reason is because I see movies because of the actor. Yes, there are certain movies I'll see for the writer or director. I like Charlie Kaufman and the aforementioned Woody Allen. And I like Wes Anderson. BUT--I am an actor junkie. If there is an actor I like, I will track down all the other movies of theirs and watch them, even if they aren't that good. But an amazing actor can take a flat, unexciting script and make it vivacious and moving.

Watching a Gerard Depardieu movie made me realize that today. I read the back of the movie cover, kind of laughed because the plot was so ridiculous. Then as the lousy story moved forward, I laughed again as I realized how predictable it was and not at all original. However, the way Gerard was talking to this chick, it was outstanding. It was absolutely enjoyable watching them interact.

So I've realized that I don't really care about the movies for the sake of the plot, but for the execution of the script. I was also watching a lesser known Al Pacino movie today. The script was ok (would have been unbearable with the wrong actor), but Al made the movie delightful.

This realization was scary. Because I'm a screenwriter. And who the heck cares about your script if the actors screw it all up and make you look lousy. Well, that is a fear I have.

I guess you have to write the best you can and hopefully the right actors will be attracted to your project.

Anyway, I titled this entry "The Fun in Movies". The fun isn't seeing how the movie unfolds lots of times. But it's in seeing the actors work their magic.

That being said, I could care less about Kirsten and Tobey, so fortunately the writers for Spiderman were good. But I'd say 85-90% of all the movies I see are based on if the actors are good and not the writer, director, or storyline. And I'm surprised that I only fully realized this today.

Yours Truly, rancette at 10:52 AM PST
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I got an idea for a series of posts from the movie The Conversation directed by Francis Ford Coppola. It won Best Picture, so a lot of people have seen it.

For the next week, I will post about movies that have ripped off other movies. Maybe it wasn't intentional. Maybe it was subconscious. Maybe it was. Maybe seeing a movie only triggered an idea and they only partially ripped a movie off.

So as I was watching The Conversation and there is this scene where Gene Hackman is in his hotel and blood comes out of the toilet. A whole lot of blood from the victim(s) that were murdered. And I immediately thought of Dirty Pretty Things, where a heart of a murdered person was found when they unclogged the toilet. Toilet. Blood/heart. Hotel. I was thinking that maybe whoever wrote Dirty Pretty Things had seen The Conversation.

Also, finding the anonymous donor that you're not supposed to know about is a theme too often found in movies and is not at all that interesting.

  • Return to Me
  • 21 Grams

    With the case of Return to Me this movie also rips off a lot of other movies. And a lot of other movies since then have ripped off a lot of similar themes. It's been awhile since I've seen Random Hearts. But basically in this movie, Harrison Ford's wife and Kristin Scott Thomas' husband had an affair and they think that they need to have an affair too. So he tracks KST down so they can have this affair. The first half hour is gripping and leads someone to think that this is going to be a great thriller. However, it gets pretty unoriginal and lame real quick. That is one of the biggest disappointments of all movies.

    I'll look at a few other movies this week. Some that are just cheap imitations of others. Since the movie industry has been around over 100 years (not as long as me), a lot of the movies I have seen during my lifetime are rip-offs unbeknownst to me.

    I like watching old movies, though. Sometimes when I see older movies, like The Conversation it is amazing to see its influence over other films. I saw The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly pretty recently and it was amazing to see its influence on how few westerns I had seen. If you can call Shanghai Noon a western (there was a pretty interesting bathtub scene in both).

    Anyway, during the next week, comments are more than welcome. Maybe my scope is limited and you may see something that I may not. I am using this week to point out how much Hollywood uses the same ideas. OVER AND OVER. Whether they mean to or not.

    Yours Truly, rancette at 7:48 AM PST
  • Tuesday, 2 November 2004
    Vote / Links
    Notes from Rancette on this beautiful Tues. morning:

    1. VOTE!

    2. Quentin Tarantino is back! Three posts in October :o big surprise!

    3. Colonel Mustard is gone for now. I am going to remove the link. Not to alarm anyone. I plan to put it right back up when he returns. I loved his site and it is too bad he is gone right now.

    Now I am going to get some breakfast, and then I'm going to vote!

    Yours Truly, rancette at 8:20 AM PST
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    Monday, 1 November 2004
    Dedicated to Rance
    Rance has a new site at Mindsay HERE

    In other Rance news, Scary German Guy has a Rance poem: 10/30/04 post

    Apparently, Rance is back in full gear again. And interest in him is resurging.

    Check out Lora's blog: Red Raspberry / mindsay

    Also there is Captain Hoof's blog at Mindsay: HERE

    I am just surprised that if that person really IS Captain Hoof that he isn't making political statements. Is Captain Hoof a man? Maybe a woman?

    UPDATE #2:

    I'd like to thank KJ4ever for giving me information on Stat Counter. It's free. For Tripod users, I'd recommend the HTML version instead of the Java or Flash, because otherwise Tripod will go haywire. Believe me! I know!!

    It seems like a lot of people are accessing my page, but 90% of these visitors are here for under 5 seconds at a time. I am embarrassed to admit this, because that means they take one look at me & scram. Also, it could mean someone is reloading the counter. It really isn't me. I promise. I am more interested in unique hits. Stat Counter will give you a break down. I thought I'd share with you some of the places my visitors are from. Just keep in mind, some or most of them stay here for less than 5 seconds :-\

    If you are from another country, say hi. I promise I won't bite.

    Yours Truly, rancette at 6:49 AM PST
    Updated: Sunday, 7 November 2004 9:35 AM PST
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    Saturday, 30 October 2004
    Blogging Can Be Such Fun if you have the Time...
    I'd like to thank KJ4ever for introducing me to Blog Explosion.

    It's a nice way to get more traffic directed to your site.

    On a related note, I see a couple people dropping off. A fond farewell to Colonel Mustard. I hope it really isn't farewell, but it seems like he is gone for the moment.

    I kind of understand Rance and how he lost the thrill of blogging. For the moment, the thrill is kind of gone for me too. However, I can't really see why when I have such good friends around the 'net. I am not planning to shut down. I have an installment of Rance & Rancette on the way. I just don't know how to end it.

    I'll keep in touch and maybe you'll hear from me in the next week...

    Yours Truly, rancette at 5:28 PM PDT
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    Wednesday, 27 October 2004
    Emily Dickinson's A Bird Came Down the Walk
    A bird came down the walk:
    He did not know I saw;
    He bit an angle-worm in halves
    And ate the fellow, raw.

    And then he drank a dew
    From a convenient grass,
    And then hopped sidewise to the wall
    To let a beetle pass.

    He glanced with rapid eyes
    That hurried all abroad,--
    They looked like frightened beads, I thought;
    He stirred his velvet head

    Like one in danger; cautious,
    I offered him a crumb,
    And he unrolled his feathers
    And rowed him softer home

    Than oars divide the ocean,
    Too silver for a seam,
    Or butterflies, off banks of noon,
    Leap, splashless, as they swim.

    Yours Truly, rancette at 12:01 AM PDT
    Updated: Tuesday, 26 October 2004 3:24 PM PDT
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    Friday, 22 October 2004
    What the Bleep do We Know (REPRINTED) originally on
    I don't see what the purpose of having two blogs is if I am just going to reprint the same stuff. But I wanted to make sure people here got a chance to view these pictures. Also What the Bleep do we Know was a great film. The promo said "This could change your life." I think it may have. I think I needed that push to get me to do some things I had only been thinking about.

    Ranceline recommended it to me months ago. I finally got around to seeing it when I was on vacation in Memphis. The film did not disappoint. I am the nerdiest person in the world!! I took notes during the film. So I will post some of them in between photos of the trip. Enjoy!

    Problems get attributed to a person's psychology when they should be instructed to make better choices.

    You fall in love by anticipating emotions.

    People become addicted to different things, because no one has taught them better.

    When we focus on the past, we don't operate as an integrated whole.

    When it comes to life, we only see the tip of the iceberg. Things we take for granted as truths aren't necessarily true if history is any example.

    People go on about their lives as though nothing has happened, when miracles happen everyday.

    Write your intentions down. Believe you can do it. Exercise your mind. Your thoughts can affect your reality.

    Yours Truly, rancette at 7:59 AM PDT
    Updated: Monday, 1 November 2004 9:24 AM PST
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    Thursday, 21 October 2004
    Agent Rancette Apprehends Charlie Kaufman By Accident
    Topic: Agent Rancette
    inspired by Anachronist


    Charlie Kaufman and his wife, Denise, are sitting down to a nice dinner.

    CHARLIE: So I'm making progress with my new script.

    DENISE: That's great. Is it almost finished?

    Agent Rancette and her backup burst through the door of the restaurant with her gun pointed squarely at Charlie Kaufman.

    AGENT RANCETTE: Hold it right there! We've got the building surrounded. Don't anyone make a move.

    CHARLIE: Agent Rancette! I admit it! Just don't SHOOT ME! Just don't harm my wife! I admit it! I am Rance!

    AGENT RANCETTE: Charlie, are you serious? Ha ha! We were actually busting Tony Rotolo, the big druglord in town. Sam, you take down Tony and his men. I'm going to deal with Charlie here, AKA Rance.

    DENISE: You bitch! Hands off my husband. He didn't do anything.

    AGENT RANCETTE: Lady, this man fooled a whole Internet community into thinking he was some A-list actor.

    CHARLIE: Well, I did do some acting in college.

    DENISE: Bitch, stop interfering with our dinner! You busted Tony-what's-his-face. And I'm sure the agency is going to give you a big raise for it. Now leave us alone.

    CHARLIE: Yeah, besides anyway, I'm not really Rance.

    AGENT RANCETTE: Oh no, you're Rance. I saw the look in your eye. You thought I had really caught you. You're no actor. There's no way some second-rate amateur like you could have pulled that off. And if you were acting, you deserve an Academy Award for fooling me!

    CHARLIE: You're right I deserve an Academy Award. But not for acting. You know I'm the greatest screenwriter in town.

    AGENT RANCETTE: That may be so. But I just want to know one thing...

    The other agents lose grip of Tony Rotolo, as a tommy gun appears from out of nowhere.

    Denise pushes Agent Rancette in the line of fire. No body has been shot full of holes more times since Bonnie or Clyde.

    DENISE: Now only we know the truth.


    Yours Truly, rancette at 6:15 AM PDT
    Updated: Thursday, 21 October 2004 6:18 AM PDT
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    Wednesday, 20 October 2004
    Guest Bloggist: PRINCESSR9
    Notes from Rancette:

    -Thank you very much to Ranceline who recommended "What the Bleep do We Know?". I thought it was a great film. BTW, in Memphis the matinee was at the amazingly low price of $5.50. I got such a bargain and was happy for the rest of the day that I even bought Junior Mints (I never buy candy from a theater).

    -Thank you very much to our guest bloggist, Princessr9, our official unofficial member of my Administrative Staff. Which means she can do anything she wants, anytime she wants (heck, she's the princess!!)! BTW, I love tater tots and totally endorse this entry. It is wonderful!

    Tater Tots and Other Things
    by Princessr9

    Whatever happened to people lovin' tater tots? Lately there has been a lot of talk about curly fries and waffle fries and just plain ol' french fries on other blogs I've been reading and I'm wondering, what happened to the poor neglected tater tot? I love tater tots! Especially the onion tater tots. Yeah! That's good eatin' folks. Find some if you can and enjoy the heck out of them.

    Why do people drive like such maniacs? I got cut off by some guy the other day and he looked at me like I was the one with the problem! Are we in such a hurry and think that we're so much more important than other people that we're willing to drive like our asses are on fire and potentially get in an accident? It could just be me, after being hit by somebody running a red light, you tend to drive a little more cautiously I can tell you that! It never ceases to amaze me what people are willing to do to make sure that they get the bigger piece, the closer parking space, or be the first in line.

    As it gets closer to Christmas time the toy commercials are really getting on my nerves. Do the toy companies know what they're putting parents through? I'm willing to bet that they don't have kids. Otherwise they wouldn't make these commercials that induce ear shattering whining from small individuals that are very opinionated about the things that they wish to have. Wow, that was a really nice way of saying whiny little brats that think they need to have every blasted toy on the freakin' market! That being said, yes I have kids, and yes they are driving me insane. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, and I would love them even more if they didn't insist on looking in my wallet before we enter a store to check that I do in fact have money with which to purchase the most necessary of objects, the Barbie princess doll and the large scale airplane replica that will be in pieces within just a few hours of purchase.

    Why are movies so exspensive now? Didn't they used to be like $5 or something? I think the evening movie ticket now costs something like $9 or more. That's just pure insanity! Don't they know that movie lovers like myself can't afford the ticket and the popcorn? I tell ya', I'm just sick about it. You shouldn't need financing to see a movie and have a snack.

    Whew! I feel better now. Thanks Rancette.


    Yours Truly, rancette at 3:02 PM PDT
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    Sunday, 17 October 2004
    Live Like You Were Dying - WHAT A LOAD OF CROCK!
    Back around January, before I knew any of you sweet people, I thought I was going to die. Something was wrong with me and I visited a doctor and of course there was that waiting period between not knowing and getting results. And doctors referring me to other doctors, while I'm thinking, hey the sooner this is taken care of the less likely I'll die.

    As it turns out, it was nothing. But those two weeks, I seriously thought that I could die and began making plans of what I wanted to accomplish, before I died.

    It was a list a lot like Sara Polley made in My Life Without Me. I saw that movie several months later in which a young woman finds out she's going to die of cancer.

    I am not a hypocondriac or paranoid about dying. Since it turned out to be nothing, I've had no close to death experiences. But I'll tell you one thing. I made a list of things to do before I died and I did them.

    The whole "live like you were dying" concept was awesome at first. Because you never know when you're going to go, so why postpone things...and then they may never happen.

    But on the other hand, what now? I was reading KJ's site and she was saying something similar. Now, that I've done all that I wanted to do, what now? Where's the satisfaction? I liked my old dreams. What, now I have to have new dreams? What, should my old dreams be my new dreams over and over again? Reliving the same old thing for the rest of my life?

    In Man on the Moon, which is a movie I really liked, by the way, Andy Kaufman, played by Jim Carrey finds out he is going to die. And his attitude is to spread positivity, so people will remember him in a good light.

    When I thought I could die, I felt intense bitterness and anger. I thought of everything bad anyone had ever done to me. And I thought that if I didn't have some kind of moral obligation to society, that there'd be some people I'd like to take out if I really was going to die.

    And I wondered, why all this bitterness? Why anger? Why wonder has my life been such a waste? Why not savor the remaining moments and spread goodness, joy, and positivity like Andy Kaufman did in Man on the Moon?

    Well, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that one out. Maybe since it wasn't my time to go after all. Maybe I have a lot of things to sort out.

    But my point is, living like you were dying is no way to live. Once I had accomplished certain goals, I wondered what I had to look forward to now. And at this point of my life I had outgrown certain dreams that I had since I was about 14 years old. So it left me thinking, "what do I have left to look forward to?"

    On one hand, I know the "live like you were dying concept" means take time to let others know you love them and everything. That's all good and well. But if you live like you were dying, there's also more limited consequences. You might live a little too recklessly.

    I was reading that John Cusack flew into the eye of a storm to do research on a movie about storm-chasers. While it was exciting for him, how stupid was that? While John Cusack isn't my favorite actor, isn't that kind of thrill-seeking a little dangerous?

    Anyway, I'm at the now-what phase. What is life cracked up to be? Yeah, I want a lot out of it. I don't want to be the person who just sits there and lets life pass them by, but I don't want to be the John Cusack storm-chaser either. Isn't there a balance? What do I have to look forward to next???

    Yours Truly, rancette at 12:01 AM PDT
    Updated: Thursday, 14 October 2004 10:40 PM PDT
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    Saturday, 16 October 2004
    Saddest parts in movies (SPOILERS AHEAD)
    I hate to ruin any movies for you, but I thought of posting what moved me in the following movies:

    I HEART HUCKABEE'S - Jason Schwartzman's character has a mysterious cat story throughout the beginning of the movie. It seems like it may be a cheesy story.

    But as it turns out, his cat died when he was nine years old. His mother didn't deal with him well when it happened and made him ashamed for getting upset over his cat. This really made me sad, because his mother wasn't there for him when he needed her most. One interesting thing about the casting is that the woman who plays his mother is actually his mother in real life.

    12 ANGRY MEN - At the end of the movie, Lee J. Cobb, the hardened juror is the final one who's holding out. He wants to convict. I think Henry Fonda asks him to think of the person on trial as his son and if he'd convict him. Lee J. Cobb gets mad and rips out a picture of his son from his wallet and tears in to shreds, saying he doesn't care about his son. But he starts crying, because obviously, he does care. And he's so hardened, but he's estranged from his son and what Henry Fonda said struck a chord. And he is not going to convict the person on trial now.

    REBEL WITH A CAUSE - I was pretty close to my dad. But Natalie Wood apparently crosses the line when she hugs her Dad. All she wants is some normal affection. And the Dad slaps her across the room.

    Even though I loved my Dad and I'm sure he loved me, this scene in the movie really upset me. I remember one time I was about fourteen and I was just holding on to his arm. And he said it was too hot outside and I should just let go. But I held on anyway. And then he yelled at me again and said, "I said it was hot outside, let go!"

    ONE TRUE THING - This is one of the few movies where I've cried throughout the whole thing. The movie is kind of depressing. Girl finally gets a great job and then discovers her mom is dying of cancer. Dad, William Hurt, tells her to come home and take care of the mother she was never close to. So she leaves her job, her boyfriend, and takes care of the mother that she can't stand out of guilt.

    On top of that, she is questioned for murdering her, once her mother is found dead because of an overdose of her medication. Of course the daughter, played by Renee Zellweger, has thought of killing her mother, because she resents her so much. But of course, she would never ever do a thing like that.

    The father says to her face, "I can't believe you had the guts to kill her." I didn't read the book, so I'm not sure who actually killed her. But I got the feeling it was the father. And here he is, accusing his daughter of killing her. When she is the one who took care of her, because he made her feel guilty enough.

    Yours Truly, rancette at 12:01 AM PDT
    Updated: Thursday, 14 October 2004 10:36 PM PDT
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    Wednesday, 13 October 2004
    Meet my cousin, Rancetera. No, not really. Rance is going through a mid-life crisis and is calling himself "Rancetera" now. Don't believe me? Go to his blog. I got the head's up from waxwing.

    Sorry I haven't been posting here that much. I love the community over at Mindsay. However, I am going out of town this weekend. So I am writing posts in advance, because you can stage them to appear at a later date. So Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, I am going to schedule posts to appear here while I'm out of town. I hope this works. Mindsay is great and all, but I don't know that I'm going to have Internet access out of town. So I'll write my posts in advance just in case.

    The rest of this week, I'll probably be at Mindsay. This weekend though, my posts will be here @ Tripod. So drop in and say hi.

    Yours Truly, rancette at 12:03 PM PDT
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    Tuesday, 5 October 2004
    Rance and Rancette go to a Funeral
    Topic: Rance & Rancette
    RANCE: Hey, Rancette. I'm going to a funeral.

    RANCETTE: Oh, I'm sorry. Who died? Anyone close to you?

    RANCE: Yeah, family.

    RANCETTE: I'm sorry.

    RANCE: It's ok. She was older. We knew she was going to pass away soon.

    RANCETTE: Still it hurts.

    RANCE: Listen, would you like to go to the reception?

    RANCETTE: But, I mean, this is a personal affair.

    RANCE: Well, the funeral reception's for Janet Leigh.

    RANCETTE: WHAT!? You're related to Janet Leigh!?

    RANCE: Yes.

    RANCETTE: How?

    RANCE: Well, why don't you come and find out?

    * * *

    Setting: funeral reception.

    Everyone is dressed in black, from head to toe. Rancette sees Jamie Lee Curtis from a distance. She also sees several people that she does not recognize. She wanders to the food table and picks out fruit and some little sandwiches.

    Jamie Lee Curtis walks up to a podium.

    JAMIE: Everybody. I would like to say a few words. She was the greatest mom. (starts crying) I can't go on!

    KELLY: As Janet's other daughter, I would like to take over for Jamie. I want this to be a very special day and for everyone to think of their best memory of our mom.

    Kelly and Jamie hug. Everyone applauds.

    OLD AUNT (to Rancette): I don't recognize you! Are you one of those crazy fanatics Janet had? HELP! HELP!

    Christopher Guest runs up, trying to hold the Old Aunt back from striking Rancette.

    CHRISTOPHER GUEST: Now Aunt Lulu, this is Rancette. She's a close friend to Jamie and me.

    OLD AUNT: Well, if you say so. See you later, Chrissy-boy.

    RANCETTE: Wow, thank you for saving me like that. Did Rance tell you I was coming?


    RANCETTE: No way! I would have never guessed. I thought you were much older.

    CHRISTOPHER GUEST: Well, I'm no spring-chicken.

    RANCETTE: You did say Janet was "family". You should have specified that she was your mother-in-law.

    CHRISTOPHER GUEST: Well, I didn't want to give it away. Weren't you surprised? Wasn't this what you were least expecting?

    RANCETTE: Are there any other stars here?

    CHRISTOPHER GUEST: What!? You're not satisfied? You want to see other stars? Get out of here you ungrateful fool! Security!

    Security throws Rancette outside the gates.


    Yours Truly, rancette at 7:29 AM PDT
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