Notes from Rancette
What I'm afraid of

Well, I know I don't respond to every single comment. I am afraid it is going to come back to haunt me. Because I gave Gus Openshaw a hard time about it on my Mindsay blog.

Actually, if you mention Gus on your site on Mindsay, you usually get listed in the top blogs for that day. So I created an all about Gus post.

I don't want Gus to feel bad, I just wanted to get the message out to him. I didn't create the post just for the heck of it or simply because I might be a top blog on Mindsay.

I had something to say. And what I said was true. ATTN GUS: If you have followers and you don't talk to them, they're going to leave!

That being said, I'd like to thank the following people in alphabetical order:

Annie
BGC
chinq
Col Mustard
flyrchld
jillyjilly
kj4ever
Lanie
Lora
marchesque
Ms Lauren
Nicole
princessr9
Queenie
Ranceline aka crouchingtiger16
Rancelot
Tad Bitter
Vanessa Lea Nownes
Wakefield
waxwing
[your name here] <--- if I didn't mention you and you are reading this, please tell me I forgot you. If you are new, introduce yourself. You don't have to say much if you don't want to. Just say hi!


I really want you to feel special, because I would have stopped blogging if not for you!! Well, I don't know, but I definitely wouldn't have posted as much if no one had been reading. And I probably would've asked myself, what's the point anyway?

So thank you for making me feel great about blogging!!


Rance

I've given up the idea that Rance would ever contact me. It just isn't going to happen. So why hope? But I still love his blog, especially since other people have been posting instead of him! (Would I have said that a month ago? :o No way!!!!)

But if you're not Rance, don't be like Gus and piss off your readers. Of course, Gus is Rance. That is very clear. Neither of them are "confirm"-ing or "deny"-ing anything.

Cat Stevens

I discovered a great site today, but my creating a link option isn't working today, so try cut & paste:

http://spitspot.blogspot.com/ (scroll down a little bit)

If you haven't read the news lately, Cat Stevens was not allowed to enter this country. He was headed for Washington, D.C. And when they saw his name on the list and then compared it to the list of most wanted terrorists, they thought his name was on there.

Cat Stevens changed his name to Yusef Islam. And the person they were actually looking for had been "Youseff" Islam. Cat had actually been in New York this past May. So it was a mistake. But the "throw cat stevens in jail" link is funny, nonetheless.

Besides, what was Cat, a Muslim, wanting to do in hot terrorist targets like New York City and Washington, D.C.? He should steer clear of those cities if he wants to keep out of trouble. Yeah, this is a free country. But he relocated to England and started a school of his own there, so don't come back and scare us to death!

Oh yeah

I meant to answer Ranceline's question about how I've posted 10X on Rance's site (well, really 11X. I posted it today. I'm not going to reprint it here, because frankly, it was getting annoying reprinting my rance posts here.). So she wondered if they are going to put a link up to my site now, since the rule is you have to post to Rance's site before being considered for a link. Now what's the other criteria? I have no clue. I probably won't get a link. But it's worth it to ask. I asked Rubber Dee Duckie, AR, to put the world in for me. She obliged, saying she'd direct my request to the right person (Captain Hoof? I dunno).

So of course, you'll hear it first from me if my link makes it to Rance's site! Unless that is you were on Rance's site and found it out there first.

Today
I've been sick since Friday (for more info go to rancette @ Mindsay --->).

My diet and sleeping patterns are usually pretty normal. I'm a morning person. But since I've gotten sick, I have been thrown off balance. I have maybe gotten 4 hours of sleep per night, as opposed to the regular 8. And maybe I'll rest during the day and take naps, but being so stationery, I feel so bad, cause usually I am always on the go, doing something, being productive, focusing on my ambitions.

Since I've been sick, I've gotten a lot of insight into life. Maybe it's because I've resorted to spending my days and sleepless nights reading Mindsay blogs. Well, usually I only go on Mindsay for a little bit. But yesterday, I was on all day and night. I was composing post after post. I still have most posts.

It's amazing. Ever since I've gotten sick, I've been writing some much deeper stuff (not including my Agent Rancette post earlier today!). I mean I have posts lined up for the next 2 weeks on what I could talk about now. I usually try to keep my posting to once or twice a day. But I'm sick. And all I'm doing is thinking and writing and lying in my bed. Sitting on my chair, typing into my computer.

So I was reading this one blog. I thought I kept the link, but I can't find it now. Anyway, they asked the ultimate question:

Why do people blog?

And you know, I started out blogging, so I could write about Rance and so maybe I could even impress Rance. But maybe my reasons for starting out blogging are different than the reasons I continue to blog.

I continue to blog, because yes it is a way to organize my thoughts. I write stuff here I never would never have thought of writing, if it weren't for other blogs. Like Rance & Rancette? I would have never thought of that, if I were just being a serious writer and trying to stick to my normal way of writing. Sometimes I'll write lyrics, sometimes I'll work on writing my scripts, sometimes I'll even post in essay-style.

But blogging has caused me to be able to simply write out my thoughts without wondering if I'm going anywhere, and then I end up maybe going somewhere I wouldn't have otherwise, if I simply stuck to structured writing.

Back to:

Why do we blog?

People blog for different reasons. All blogs are different. Blogging makes it easy to expose the real you. Because usually, for me, I try to hold in what I'm saying or thinking to other people, because I don't want to come off the wrong way. Or maybe someone will feel I'm too judgmental.

So when I first started blogging, I blogged to please Rance. Then I realized, who cares what Rance or anyone else thinks? Now, I post what I want.

And it is great that along the way, I have had readers being very supportive. And it might be easy to crawl back in that shell and say, "Well, I don't want to expose anymore of myself, because they might not like me anymore." But the people here are so accepting. And I don't mind difference of opinions once in awhile.

Maybe I have not been as bold as I think I have been. Sometimes, I do hold back, like in the issue of politics. But I kind of stuck my feelers out yesterday and tested the political waters. No one was mean about my conservative post. It was supposed to be funny. And I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

So anyhow, in conclusion, it feels great to blog. For me, it has become a way of connecting. I had no idea that I would get wrapped into this community, like I did. But it is wonderful.

Agent Rancette finds Naomi Watts' Secret diary...
Now Playing: cue scary music
Topic: Agent Rancette
...revealing her Birthday details + tapes of her phone being tapped.

AGENT RANCETTE: Judge, I'd like to submit this as evidence.

The judge opens the diary.

September 28, 2004


Dear Diary,

Today was my birthday. I got together with Nic and the security guards threw out Heath when he tried to show up. But it still wasn't the same. I got a beautiful emerald necklace from [deleted]. I know he's interested in me, but I'm not really interested in him. I hate to break his heart. But mine is breaking right now. Because "the only one I've ever loved has gone away". I can't stop crying. See my tears on the page.

Yours so truly,
Naomi

JUDGE: Hmm, interesting. I've always been a fan of Naomi myself. I never dreamed that I'd be reading her diary one day. This is so cool.

Agent Rancette shows the judge tapes.

AGENT RANCETTE: And these are the tapes of the phone call, placed right after she penned the diary entry.

Rancette hits the play button.

NAOMI: Hello?

RANCE: Hello, sweetie!

NAOMI: Rance! You called! You remembered!

RANCE: Of course, sweetie. Happy Birthday! I've been thinking about you all day.

NAOMI: You have?

RANCE: Of course, I even thought of what to name our baby.

NAOMI: But I'm not pregnant!

RANCE: I know, but I've still thought of a name for our child.

NAOMI: That is so sweet.

RANCE: You'll love it.

NAOMI: Tell me.

RANCE: Romice.

NAOMI: Oh, I love it. How did you find that name?

RANCE: Well, my love, both of our names have 5 letters in it.

NAOMI: Yes?

RANCE: We both have an "A" and an "N" in our names.

NAOMI: Yes?

RANCE: Take those letters away, and the ones remaining are R-O-M-I-C-E.

NAOMI: Romice! That is so perfect. I want to marry you right now.

RANCE: Wait Naomi...

NAOMI: Oh, I love the way you say my name.

RANCE: Naomi, I have to conquer the world first.

NAOMI: But Rance, honey, you couldn't exactly conquer the whole world! I'm afraid you'll never marry me if you're waiting for something that may never happen.

RANCE: Are you questioning me?

NAOMI: No?

RANCE: You totally killed the mood. I don't know if I like you anymore.

NAOMI: But Rance! It's my BIRTHDAY. You can't break up with me on my BIRTHDAY! I had a terrible time all day. Everyone remembered, but I felt so crummy until I received your call. Don't tell me you're breaking up with me. I couldn't handle it.

[Rance's line goes dead. Naomi sobs into her end of the receiver.]

JUDGE: So what exactly are we investigating here?

AGENT RANCETTE: I was hired to find out about the strange disappearance of Naomi Watts.

JUDGE: Well, she "disappeared" because Rance had no interest in her anymore. So people stopped caring about her.

AGENT RANCETTE: No she DISAPPEARED. She's missing! Take this seriously, Judge. I want the diary entry and the tapes filed as evidence. I want you to issue a search warrant for Rance's place. You need to do this. Before it's too late. Naomi may be in danger!

TO BE CONTINUED...

(Actually, I'm not going to continue this. I want this left up to your imagination.)

10th post on Rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Well, I was a little mixed up. My "Pardon the Interruption" segment will be here Wednesday instead of today, because I thought Snubby would post on Tuesday. So I don't want to jump the gun. As soon as Snubby has their say, I will totally post it once I've made any necessary changes.

Now, I don't know Snubby. I wish I did so they could give me the heads up of what they are planning to do. But I trust I can deal with it. If I have to completely change everything, I might post the original "pardon the Interruption" segment on this site in addition to any re-write I may have to create on Wednesday. But rest assured, it is turning out well.

Snubby, if you're out there, please shout out to me!! (Within the next 24-48 hours)


That being said, I commented today on Rance's blog. Rance is calling himself Captain Hoof now. I don't know if that's an alter ego or what. But princessr9 said that she'd like to run over the "masternaders" with her SUV, but wasn't going to, because she couldn't vote from prison. I said,

You could always run them over after the election.

You know, give them a fair warning. If they vote for Nader, then run them over. After you've safely voted. Just a suggestion. I was kind of ticked that Rance used his blog as a "platform". It was very Ben Affleck of him and I'm not sure I was very pleased. But hey, it's his blog. And Thursday, I will have my say. And hopefully, Rance won't be too ticked off (he might not even notice me).

And we all know that I'd love to be noticed by Rance! Wooo, I feel another Rance & Rancette story coming on within the next week or two.

My new online friend
Okay, all my old online friends, don't get jealous. I still love you. But I have a new friend. Ms Lauren.

You know, we seemed to hit it off, at least I hope she thought so. Cause I ticked her off on Rance's blog. Well, she didn't sound angry. So I sent her a private email on what I'm planning to unveil on Thursday, just so she wouldn't have to wait.

Of course, to my other blogging friends, I'm planning to upload my segment Tuesday afternoon/evening on this site, right here, your regular programming, if all goes well (if I don't have to go to the hospital for tonsil removal--which isn't likely but possible).

Maybe I'm not supposed to post this info on "pardon the interruption", and if someone high in charge at the Rance blog asks me to remove it, I will.

Anyhow, let me pass on Ms Lauren's link:
Ms Lauren

As a rule, I like keeping people in suspense. But if it's a matter of torture, which this instance kind of was, I don't really believe in it. So I had to tell her everything. I have some really screwy ideas for Pardon the Interruption and I hope no one gets too upset. If you do, well, uh, um, too bad!

See you tomorrow. Please check back. I will be here if I'm alive and well.

PS- If you have visited my Mindsay blog, I am just returning to sanity, so please don't be scared off.

9th post to Rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Today on Rance's site, Ms. Lauren asked if the contributors for "Pardon the Interruption" were going to get royalties.

I said,

I plan on answering your question on Wednesday.

UPDATE: My part of Pardon the Interruption will take place on Thursday instead.

Reflecting on Celebrities That Drive Me Insane!
First of all, I have not been met with any opposition. No one has said, "You're so wrong, man. Julia is the bomb. Can't you see her beauty?" It would scare me if I'm right about everyone on my list.

Please voice your opinion if you disagree. I won't be like Rush Limbaugh and ridicule you even if you have a good point. That's right. You can disagree with me about anyone on my list. That is except Charlize Theron. If you post any nice posts about CT, I will be forced to delete your post and no one will be able to view it.

Celebrities That Drive Me Insane! Part 4
10. Charlotte Church
I was thinking of the lovely people from Wales today. Let's see Tom Jones, Anthony Hopkins, Charlotte Church. Then I stopped dead in my tracks. Charlotte Church isn't lovely. She expressed anti-American sentiment after 9/11.

To top that, her voice doesn't sound all that good. Her recent songs featured a cracked voice. It sucks, I've noticed this about Lee Ann Rimes' new song. Maybe they were impressive as little girl singers, but now they are washed up in my opinion.

11. Shirley MacLaine
There is no movie I've seen with Shirley MacLaine that is bad. Even The Bliss of Mrs. Blossom. Maybe The Trouble With Harry wasn't the greatest movie ever, but #1) she was the greatest thing about that movie and #2) that was her first movie, so I'll have to give her a break. But please. She is a complete nutcase. It is so sad that someone with so much intelligence and talent has to be an astrology/UFO/reincarnation freak. For more info, see her site at shirleymaclaine.com

12. Charlize Theron
Do you see a trend yet? Names that begin with a "Shh" sound. I would have preferred any actress nominated last year to win over this chick. I hadn't seen Monster though, so I believed that maybe she could have done a good job in the role. Well, I saw this movie recently. Watching two hours of lesbian affection is really sickening. Not only was she a lesbian, but a murderer. Murdering came really natural to her character.

I think an Academy Award should have gone to the make-up artist, but not her! But please, when I was watching this movie, I remember thinking how much more I was moved by the girl in Whale Rider or how much more Samantha Morton deserved the award for In America. Maybe Charlize has "paid her dues" for "ten years" of acting in such movies as Reindeer Games or Italian Job. Don't forget one of the worst movies of all time, Sweet November. Can she go straight from those movies to Oscar winning material? I don't really think she made that much of a transition. Monster was boring and pathetic and a waste of my time. If I'm going to see a lesbian-themed movie, The Children's Hour with the aforementioned Shirley MacLaine is a much better bet.

In conclusion, Charlize has been met with the Oscar curse. Her new movie, Head in the Clouds has not been met favorably by critics and probably won't go further than "limited-release". I admit I might have had some interest in that movie had not Charlize been in it.

Top Celebrities that Drive Me Insane! Part 3
7. Macauley Culkin
Ok, this bugger can complain his life was ruined by being a child star. Too bad. Married to Rachel Miner at 17, divorced within a couple years. According to defamer.com, was arrested in Oklahoma within the last week in a half on September 17th, for possession of marijuana. Wow, 17 seems to be his unlucky number!

8. Julia Roberts
She fights with husband Danny in public constantly and has begun making sucky movies like "Mona Lisa Smile" and "Full Frontal". Then she expects us to be happy for her, and for us to think her marriage will last just because she's having twins. Ok, none of her fan sites had any pictures of her yelling at Danny. Her fans drive me crazy also, for deluding themselves as Julia deludes herself!

9. Katie Holmes
Ok, so some people liked her as a TV actress, but I'm not crazy about her not-so-seamless transfer to the screen. She takes off her shirt in The Gift. Is this to make up for the fact that she can't really act? And First Daughter? I'm fed up enough with Jenna and Laura Bush. Why would I see a movie about some wild President's daughter who wants to make her own decisions? Oh, please, if I want to see a character transformation movie, I'd rather rent Never Been Kissed again.

Notes from Rancette (no I haven't hired Administrative Staff yet, ok this joke is getting worn out, but who cares?):

I'm working on my segment of Pardon the Interruption (see Rance's site). I thought I'd get a head start and at least begin working out some of the ideas I had. My segment will be really screwy, so apologies to anyone in advance if I end up creating a monster. But I plan on posting it on Tuesday afternoon, so I can unveil something new here on Wednesday.

I'm working on a new gimmick. Rance & Rancette is getting pretty old. So is the Britney series. Wow, that one got old reaaal quick. Also, if Pardon the Interruption creates more traffic for this site, I want to have something cool posted ON Wednesday. I'm thinking about asking for submissions for ideas like Rance used to do. Now all I have to do is come up with it.

I will probably do two more segments of "Top Celebrities that Drive Me Insane!", then post "Pardon the Interruption" on Tuesday. Then I will open up the floor on Wednesday.

Please tell me if anything I'm doing sucks! I always like it when someone points out something. I'm always pointing something out at someone else's blog. It's because I like the blog and want to give advice to what is working and what isn't. For all those who have commented so far, thanks! It's really helpful.

Top Celebrities that Drive Me Insane! Part 2
4. I'd like to echo Vanessa Lea's statement about how annoying Paris Hilton is. I decided to watch an episode of Simple Life during the first season. The TV wasn't working right, because I think I was housesitting for someone and I didn't know what was wrong. But it was all fuzzy and I'm like "forget this ****". Why should I care about some rich chick with no brains and not an ounce of decency? It's all about class. And maybe she's a millionaire (heir to billions?), but she doesn't know what real class is.

5. Christina Aguilera
This girl can sing. This girl also can dress like trailer trash. I don't want to hear about how women should be able to sleep around with men and not be called hos.


6. Martha Stewart
I don't care if she got jail time. Have you seen Goodfellas? Jail will be a cinch for her. I know she was thinking "OJ got off, so will I." Well, too bad. Next time, either cover your tracks better or don't try to appear so perfect when you're not.

Top Celebrities That Drive Me Insane!
1. Britney Spears
First of all, she gets married over the weekend. She's too young. Then I find out that it was a "faux wedding" and might have never happened. But supposedly, she is pregnant. This all accounts for the wrong information I've posted on my blog. Britney doesn't want to get the story straight, so that's her loss, whatever! Soon, we will cease to care.

2. Rance
Okay, I love Rance, but I didn't go back and read all the archives since I've been a faithful reader in June. So I do a search on Yahoo and Google "Rance Naomi Watts". The top site on Yahoo is my site, oddly enough. The top site on Google search is Rance's site. So this is what Rance says about Naomi Watts exactly (Tues., March 2, 2004):

Beauty's only skin-deep, etc., but, since you asked, if I were to award Best Actress based on looks, the winner is Naomi Watts, no doubt. She's a mutant in terms of beauty.

Hmm, the word Rance uses isn't "stunning". It's "mutant"! From now on, Naomi Watts will be henceforth known as "The Mutant" or "Mrs. Rance". I will work on a glossary of terms, so no one will be confused.

3. Rancette
Ok, maybe I'm not a household name. But yes, I drive myself insane. I typed up my novel and printed it out for a friend to read. OMG, typos galore. I typed "fun" three times instead of "gun". Not good. So revising it is this week/weekend. The good news is, my friend said she liked the book. The bad news is, she's my friend, so she didn't really offer constructive criticism. So I'm going to work on revisions and then... maybe I'll take the next step to sending it out. Keep your fingers crossed!

Top 9 Characters
I've been enjoying Tad's class. Recently, he's been talking about characters. Over at Mindsay, I've been making lists. So I've decided, why not create a list of my favorite characters of all time?

Like one person said, it may oversimply Indiana Jones' character to assign him one special fear: that of snakes. I've never really liked Steven Speilberg all that much. Even though he's created some of the most "memorable" movies of all time, I get bored with his formulaic stories and characters.

Some of the most interesting characters I've ever encountered in a movie:

Lenny in Memento (Guy Pearce): Short-term memory problem. Wants to avenge his wife's death. Has tattoos all over himself to cope with his memory problem.

Uncle Charlie in Shadow of a Doubt (Joseph Cotten): Hates having his picture taken. Stern. Murderer. He is mysterious at first, but as the story unfolds, his secrets cannot be hidden and he is exposed.

Penny Lane in Almost Famous (Kate Hudson): Groupie. She is mysterious at first, but reveals 3/4 into the movie that her name is Lady Goodman, because ultimately she wants to be known.

Mitchell, the lawyer in Sweet Hereafter (Ian Holm): Is prosecuting in a case involving the deaths of several innocent children. It is revealed later that he may not have been such a good father himself. His daughter is on the road to destruction, with sex, drugs, and total disregard for anyone else. While dealing with this case, he is fighting an internal battle about how good or how poor of a father he was.


Eugene Simonet in Pay It Forward (Kevin Spacey): Has been badly burned all over. He's a teacher, who is trying to help his children how to discover to change the world in their own way. He is expecting to change the lives of his pupils, but it is the life of one pupil that changes him. He also learns to love, as barriers come down.

Margo Tennenbaum in The Royal Tennenbaums(Irene Gorovaia/Gwyneth Paltrow): Adopted kid. Failed playwright. Wooden finger. Sole barrette on the left side of her head. In love with her adopted brother. Married to an older man. Margo's character is one of the quirkiest and best-drawn I have ever come across.

Vincent Freeman in Gattaca (Ethan Hawke): This person is told as a kid that his genetics aren't as good as his brother's. He is predestined to fail. But his determination might help him outrun his fate. This character will go through anything to get what he wants.

Two characters I haven't mentioned and don't need to describe... Hannibal Lector (Anthony Hopkins) and Norman Bates (Anthony Perkins). These characters are so unique and so intense. They are riddled with faults. They might seem at first glance to be even normal, but the more you look at them reveals how twisted and deranged they are.

If you look at all these characters, most of them deal with not only external battles, but internal. The psychological makeup of these characters has to be interesting, but so does the external events around them. Lenny from Memento could be the most normal person ever. But once his wife dies and once the need to avenge her death surfaces, the real Lenny comes out. And that's why movies are made. To capture the real person in the face of adversity.

The reason why most of these characters worked so well, is how they were portrayed by the actors. It is really hard to portray something internal on-screen. However, if you have the right actor, like Kevin Spacey or Anthony Hopkins, a whole new scary, exciting world is created.

A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF COLLETTE FEDERLINE

Collette hands yet another wedding picture to her frazzled co-worker.

COLLETTE: And this is when they cut the cake! Doesn't Britney look sweet?

CO-WORKER: Yeah, uh huh. Listen, Collette, I really have a lot of work to do. My 8 year-old neice would be thrilled to see these photos, but I'm not really...

COLLETTE: And they're planning to name the baby after me!

CO-WORKER: Holy cow!

Co-worker frantically dials The Enquirer.

CO-WORKER: Hello, Enquirer? Britney Spears is pregnant! Yes, I'm sitting here talking to Collette Federline right now.

COLLETTE: No, no, she's not pregnant! But when she does have the baby, she's naming it "Lynne Collette Federline."

Co-worker hangs up the phone in disgust.

CO-WORKER: Then they're calling the baby Lynne and not Collette.

COLLETTE: No, the first name will be Lynne, but they're calling her by her middle name, Collette, after me.

CO-WORKER: What if it's a boy?

COLLETTE: Uh, well, uh they'll name it Michael Jamie Federline after Kevin's dad and Britney's dad.

CO-WORKER: Oh come on, they won't name it Apple or Seven?

COLLETTE: Those are unusual names. My daughter-in-law wouldn't make a child suffer like that.

CO-WORKER: Those are the names of my children! Apple and Seven. You are so cruel.

The next issue of the Enquirer has a picture of Britney 7 months pregnant.

Britney calls Collette.

BRITNEY (sobbing): Mamaaa, this is so awfuuuullllll....

COLLETTE: I know Britney.

BRITNEY: I can't believe this is happening!

COLLETTE: Britney, I just want you to know, that Michael and I will be here for you through this ordeal.

BRITNEY: I don't even want a baby right now! I have too much going on. I'm too young to be a mother. These pictures are fake. I'm not pregnant.

COLLETTE: I know, sweetie, I know.

BRITNEY: And the most awful thing, is I heard that you supplied the Enquirer with the information!

COLLETTE: Well, I uh, they...

BRITNEY: Yeah, in the future, I'd appreciate it if you weren't such a two-faced, back-biting mother-in-law!

COLLETTE: Well, a co-worker misunderstood me and thought that you were pregnant.

BRITNEY: Screw that.

COLLETTE: And I did supply the picture, but they digitally enhanced it to blow up your stomach! We needed the money. You know that Michael and I aren't that well-off.

BRITNEY: Screw that. If you needed money, you could have come to me, instead of selling my pictures!!!

COLLETTE: Britney, honey, I...

The phone goes dead. Britney files for divorce from Kevin.

THE END

(My endings aren't happy, but that's real life for you folks.)

Rance and Britney get married!!
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2004
two hours before Britney's wedding to Kevin

BRITNEY: Rance, are you there?

RANCE: Just a sec. I'm chatting with Rancette.

BRITNEY: But this is urgent!

RANCE: What is it, Witty Britty?

BRITNEY: I don't want to marry Kevin.

RANCE: Why not?

BRITNEY: Cause he's (crying) so immature. He's such a druggie. He's such a freak! And I want to get married now. Couldn't we run off to Vegas?

RANCE: Naomi Watts has accepted my proposal according to Defamer, so I'm breaking up with all my online girlfriends.

BRITNEY: Who was that other b**** you're speaking to?

RANCE: Rancette. Listen, Brit, I'm just confirming the story with her. Oh, she's asking if I can give her the scoop when you get married.

BRITNEY: Scoop?! Why would you ever give her the scoop on me? We're pals, right? Are you using me?

RANCE: Well Britney, that one night in Vegas really was exciting for me. But I have to say that I don't believe there's any hope for us.

BRITNEY: But you said you loved me!

RANCE: I had just met you.

BRITNEY: But doesn't it seem like you've known me for much longer?

RANCE: You are a bit young for me. And it seems like you can never make up your mind about anything. Besides, Naomi Watts and I are in the same industry.

BRITNEY: But wait, I'm an actress too.

RANCE: ROFLOL!!!!!!!!

BRITNEY: Come on. Did you ever see Crossroads?

RANCE: I saw Austin Powers 3.

BRITNEY: Did you like my role?

RANCE: Do you mean your extended cameo? You, as a fembot? You call that acting?

BRITNEY: What does Naomi have that I don't? I mean, we're both blonde. We both act. But I have my own perfume. And I can sing. And I can dance. And I have my own girls camp...

RANCE: To which you never attend. Without betraying Naomi too much, you have to understand that she's a wonderful girl with so much to offer...

BRITNEY: Oh, I HATE you, Rance! My mom is going to be here in FIVE MINUTES to get me ready! She's bringing the gown. If you get here, we can speed off in your Dodge Viper and go to the nearest wedding chapel...

RANCE: Britney, I'm too old for you.

BRITNEY: That's ok. I believe in death do us part. Kinda. So maybe if I marry an old guy, he'll die and I can still marry one more person.

RANCE: Britney, at the rate you're going, I guess you'll be married at least 12 times.

BRITNEY: Wow, that's more than Liz Taylor.

RANCE: Yeah, but don't forget your first marriage.

BRITNEY: That doesn't really count.

RANCE: All the tabloids are counting it.

BRITNEY: Well, screw them.

RANCE: Come on, Brit. It's your whole attitude. Maybe if you had a sense of humor about the whole thing, I'd find that really attractive and could look past your 55 hour marriage.

BRITNEY: Mom's here, gotta go. If you get here before Kevin does, I'll marry you.

EPILOGUE:

BRITNEY MARRIES KEVIN LATER THAT DAY.

RANCE AND NAOMI WATTS MARRY IN A SECRET CEREMONY.

RANCETTE DOESN'T GET THE SCOOP, BECAUSE AS USUAL, RANCE IS TOO BUSY.




Thank you Queenie for the "scoop". A little commentary on the picture... an insider told me she was sticking out her tongue at Rance.

This Past Friday
I didn't post on Friday, because I had a bunch of work to do. Plus I was too upset to post.

Through my agent, I got a chance to audition for this small role. Now, I had been asking my agent for a chance to audition for something... anything! I finally got the call. I was to audition in front of the casting agent and a couple other miscellaneous people involved in the selection process.

Let me tell you. Never again! I thought I was through with acting after Friday. I sucked so bad at the audition, it was not funny. I really liked the casting director and thought she was a great person. She had me do a cold reading and gave me pointers/direction. Then I read the script again.

My GOSH. This character was supposed to have an emotional scene. I am bad at getting emotional, because I like to try and contain my feelings and not yell. Anyway, not a good situation for me (not a good situation for someone who can't act, like me).

I felt so disappointed realizing that I really couldn't act. Even after taking acting classes years ago (maybe I was just rusty?).

Part of the reason I was excited to audition was because I thought that maybe I could really make it as an actress. And as we all know, it is more exciting to read the blog of an actor than a screenwriter.

No, I take that back. Rance hasn't been that exciting lately (his guest-bloggists have, just not him).

So, I came back feeling like absolute crap. However, I was thankful that I was a writer and was able to participate in this Hollywood scheme somehow. Maybe I won't win an Academy Award for acting, just writing a screenplay. Ha, ha, I am a long way off from that, but that is one of my goals (see Rance & Rancette Go to the Oscars).

I am working on a screenplay right now. Not sure if I will unveil the plot. But at least that is going well.