Back around January, before I knew any of you sweet people, I thought I was going to die. Something was wrong with me and I visited a doctor and of course there was that waiting period between not knowing and getting results. And doctors referring me to other doctors, while I'm thinking, hey the sooner this is taken care of the less likely I'll die.
As it turns out, it was nothing. But those two weeks, I seriously thought that I could die and began making plans of what I wanted to accomplish, before I died.
It was a list a lot like Sara Polley made in My Life Without Me. I saw that movie several months later in which a young woman finds out she's going to die of cancer.
I am not a hypocondriac or paranoid about dying. Since it turned out to be nothing, I've had no close to death experiences. But I'll tell you one thing. I made a list of things to do before I died and I did them.
The whole "live like you were dying" concept was awesome at first. Because you never know when you're going to go, so why postpone things...and then they may never happen.
But on the other hand, what now? I was reading KJ's site and she was saying something similar. Now, that I've done all that I wanted to do, what now? Where's the satisfaction? I liked my old dreams. What, now I have to have new dreams? What, should my old dreams be my new dreams over and over again? Reliving the same old thing for the rest of my life?
In Man on the Moon, which is a movie I really liked, by the way, Andy Kaufman, played by Jim Carrey finds out he is going to die. And his attitude is to spread positivity, so people will remember him in a good light.
When I thought I could die, I felt intense bitterness and anger. I thought of everything bad anyone had ever done to me. And I thought that if I didn't have some kind of moral obligation to society, that there'd be some people I'd like to take out if I really was going to die.
And I wondered, why all this bitterness? Why anger? Why wonder has my life been such a waste? Why not savor the remaining moments and spread goodness, joy, and positivity like Andy Kaufman did in Man on the Moon?
Well, I don't know. I'm still trying to figure that one out. Maybe since it wasn't my time to go after all. Maybe I have a lot of things to sort out.
But my point is, living like you were dying is no way to live. Once I had accomplished certain goals, I wondered what I had to look forward to now. And at this point of my life I had outgrown certain dreams that I had since I was about 14 years old. So it left me thinking, "what do I have left to look forward to?"
On one hand, I know the "live like you were dying concept" means take time to let others know you love them and everything. That's all good and well. But if you live like you were dying, there's also more limited consequences. You might live a little too recklessly.
I was reading that John Cusack flew into the eye of a storm to do research on a movie about storm-chasers. While it was exciting for him, how stupid was that? While John Cusack isn't my favorite actor, isn't that kind of thrill-seeking a little dangerous?
Anyway, I'm at the now-what phase. What is life cracked up to be? Yeah, I want a lot out of it. I don't want to be the person who just sits there and lets life pass them by, but I don't want to be the John Cusack storm-chaser either. Isn't there a balance? What do I have to look forward to next???