Get thee to a nunnery! continued
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Sister Joan, Math Teacher at St. Francis Academy, Part II of II
Thursday evening: non-diary entry
Sister Joan bumps into Father Cooper in the Computer Lab. She politely faces him and not his computer, not trying to be nosy by reading his computer screen.
FC: Sister Joan, I hear you're leaving us? Have you always wanted to go to Africa?
Sister Joan breaks down crying.
SJ: I don't want to go to Africa!
FC: You're our most patient teacher. I wish we had more teachers like you. Stay here!
SJ: I can't. Mother Superior said I have to go and that I can't talk to you about it.
FC: Of course you can talk to me about it. I'm sure this is a control issue for Mother Superior and I will do anything in my power to help you.
SJ: Oh, Father Cooper, I should have confessed this to you and not her in the first place. But it's so terrible!
FC: You can tell me.
SJ: I'm madly in love with you!
FC: Sister Joan, do you not remember your vows?
SJ: Yes, I do, but...
Father Cooper looks at the computer screen.
FC: Holy cow! Gigglepriest is here!
SJ: I'm sorry?
Father Cooper points to the computer.
FC: Gigglepriest, my chat-friend.
SJ: Oh, he sounds familiar.
FC: Oh, you chat at the vat too?
Sister Joan has a horrifying revelation. Father Cooper is Rance!!!
SJ: Are you Rance?
FC/RANCE: Don't tell anyone!
SJ: I'll call up the L.A. Times
FC/RANCE: What do you want? Anything! I'll pay you off.
SJ: Tell Mother Superior not to transfer me to Africa.
FC/RANCE: Whew. I thought you still wanted to run away together.
SJ: There's a good idea! Do you want to?
FC/RANCE: I'm sorry, Sister Joan. I'll twist Mother Superior's arm, so you can stay here.
SJ: No. If you can't return my feelings, I'd rather go to Africa. Now I understand why you haven't been posting to Rance's site, Father Cooper. You were too busy with the opening of the new orphanage this week.
FC/RANCE: Riiiight! Bingo.
Rance tries to log into tripod.com
to denounce any potential rumors that he is a priest. Sister Joan looks at Rance's computer screen, horrified. She forgot to log out the last time.
FC/RANCE: This isn't my site! Who's Rancette? You're Rancette!
SJ: Oh, my goodness, this is too much to handle!
FC/RANCE: Always log out on public computers, honey.
SJ: So you're not Quentin Tarantino?
SJ: And not George Clooney?
SJ: Owen Wilson, Jim Carrey, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon?
FC/RANCE: No, no, no, no!
SJ: What about Keith Thomason?
FC/RANCE: Who's Keith Thomason?
SJ: I'm am saddened by your great lies.
FC/RANCE: What are you talking about? I used to be an actor and I was involved in a few scuffles back in my day. I saw my name in print.
SJ: That explains why you're so handsome.
FC/RANCE: I know about the nuns calling me Gary Cooper behind my back too. And as for you, you're the liar. You aren't a screenwriter. You're holed up at the school all day.
Sister Joan blushes.
SJ: Actually, being in the convent hasn't limited me. I find time to write whenever I can. And yes, I do have an agent and have been working on scripts. This is L.A.! What do you think I've been doing in the Computer Lab?
FC/RANCE: What did you do with the money from the sale of your script!
SJ: I donated it to the building of the orphanage of course! How do you think we got enough money? See, God always provides a way. So you're still up for running away together?
Rance, thunderstruck, begs Mother Superior to transfer crazy Sister Joan to Africa, the heck away from him!
Notes: I forgot to note what segments were fiction. If they are Rance & Rancette stories, chances are they are fiction. I will admit that this story is not true, even though I've always wanted to be a nun. And we all know Rance chats at the Vat! Wait a sec, this story is true!
Yours Truly, rancette
at 6:32 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 29 August 2004 7:44 AM PDT