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Sunday, 5 September 2004
Rance in the Music
Dear cyber-readers,

Thank you for joining me this Labor Day weekend. I have actually been slammed with work. So much for some time off! I've been concentrating so much on work that I haven't had much time to think about Rance. As if!


I found this great Liz Phair quote. She and Rance must go way back:

"They say he's famous, but no one can prove it."

And then I did a search for songs with the word famous. And this one by Fifteen fit rance too:

"I wanna be famous and have my face on TV
I want all my old friends to hate me
I don't wanna be able to walk down the street
In this town I won't be around
And you can read all about my life on the newspaper stand
My agent says you can't call me back but you understand
Hey now I'm famous and it really sucks
Hey now I'm famous can you lend me five bucks
Hey now I'm famous when will this all end
Hey now I'm famous and I need a friend"

Yours Truly, rancette at 7:07 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 5 September 2004 7:35 AM PDT
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Friday, 3 September 2004
You are what you eat
Top 10 Things You can find on Rancette's Shopping List (Brand Names Not Listed to Protect the Innocent)*

1. Pizza
2. Ice Cream
3. Tuna
4. Water
5. Salad**
6. Bread
7. Spaghetti Sauce
8. Cheese
9. Salami or
10. Pastrami

*besides i don't write brand names on my list. I know what I want.
** I wrote this on my list the other day and didn't realize till i got home and went to unpack the salad that I hadn't gotten it at all

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:45 AM PDT
Updated: Friday, 3 September 2004 12:49 PM PDT
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Thursday, 2 September 2004
Murder She Wrote
So it's September and I can't believe it. Less than two weeks to celebrate "our" anniversary. Anniversary of the blog, that is.

I haven't worked on one of my scripts in the while. I decided I would write it as a novel at first. And the only reason I'm talking about it is because it's on the shelf. I'm trying to stimulate ideas about it.

Forget for a moment I write children's books. This is about an adult. I won't mention her name. But anyway. She has built-up anger and murders her step-father. No, I don't have a step-father. No one should be worried.

But the more research I did on parricide, I found that killers don't kill just one parent. They kill both. Of course, not being a psychotic, I didn't know this. It was good I found this out early on. Besides the mother really deserved to die anyway and am glad to see her go. As long as my character gets jail time.

The twist is that she becomes famous through all this and becomes a successful writer. However, when they are going to let her off, she wants to pay her sentence. Because she has gone through a spiritual conversion and has a conviction that she shouldn't get off simply for her celebrity status in society.

However, I realize this can be really boring and overbearing if she's rotting in jail the whole time, not trying to impress anyone at the hearing.

Of course there is another character she interacts with, who is impressed with her and who ended up in jail by being inspired by her. I'm sure I could make this really interesting, and I'm kinda stuck right now.

The things is though, I'll be stuck for a month or two (2 or 3 times it has been a whole year), and all of a sudden, I'll get where I want to go.

Usually I'll write a basic outline. Sometimes it's too basic. Usually I'll know where I want to get to, but I'm a little slow of figuring out what in the third act it's going to take to get them there.

And I don't like cheesy things that happen to wrap it up all nicely. I like it when something unexpected happens, so my audience feels ripped off.

Yours Truly, rancette at 10:09 AM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 2 September 2004 10:10 AM PDT
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Wednesday, 1 September 2004
Tequila Mockingbird
I found this cool site. I wasn't going to post it, but what the heck. First of all, let me give Tequila Mockingbird full credit. She has had some people rip her ideas off and I think that's terrible.

But she has a list of "100 things about me". And it was funny. A guy ripped off that list and said those things described him too. I don't think he ripped off the whole list. Just part of it.

So I got to thinking. You know us human beings are pretty much the same. Even if we think we are unique or even if we are the art-house crowd, we are pretty much the same. I read TM's list and found I could say several of the same things about me.

So I will list the things she said that apply to me also. But I do want to get it straight. She came up with this list and I give full credit to her. Please go to her site if you want to see her full list.

8. i fucking hate liars.
15. i'm really good at a lot of things, but i'm scared i'm not great at anything.
18. i don't like beer at all.
20. i can touch my nose with my tongue.
22. if i had to choose between cake or death, i'd choose cake.
23. nothing pisses me off more than a closed mind.
24. i love to ride roller coasters.
25. i dig disco music.
31. i'm beginning to suspect that i do have a biological clock after all.
33. i miss my grandparents every single day.
38. i'm a magazine junkie.
39. i'm a compulsive list maker.
41. i love potatoes...mashed, baked, french fried, you name it.
46. i wish i was fluent in french.
47. and italian.
48. i hate it when people tell me what to do.
50. s'mores? oh, hell yeah!
53. i prefer email to the telephone.
54. what i don't get is why lyle lovett married julia roberts.
59. i am a good listener.
60. i hold grudges. i try really hard not to, but sometimes i just can't help myself.
61. i actually like speaking in front of large crowds.
64. i am sometimes more perceptive than i would like to be.
65. i am fiercely loyal. sometimes, stupidly so.
67. i am way too hard on myself.
68. i am a change agent.
69. i sometimes cross that fine line between assertive and aggressive.
72. i am pro-adoption.
73. i know a little bit about alot of things.
74. i'm a bundle of contradictions. covered in secret sauce.
76. i am capable of being really mean and nasty, but i fight it, really hard.
78. i am lousy at forgiving myself.
79. i am an indoor kind of gal.
83. i set high standards for myself in all areas of my life, and I often expect others to do the same...without ever telling them.
84. i've never read war and peace.
87. i am fascinated by serial killers.
89. i've discovered that it is virtually impossible for me to physically relax.
90. i love movies. especially the philadelphia story. and pretty much anything by the coen brothers. and...oh, hell, i just love movies.*
91. i have a sinking feeling that i'm going to die relatively young, but i don't let it interfere with my day-to-day life.
92. i worry that i'm "supposed" to be doing something great...like world-changing great. but i have no idea what it is.
93. i know she wouldn't admit it to anyone, but i was my gran's favorite.**
94. i try and do the right thing. all the time. and it's hard.
95. i fucking hate it when you think someone is your friend and it turns out that they're actually a sociopath.
96. i learned the word "fuck" from my mom. much to her dismay.
97. some days i'm scared to death...but i think i hide it well.
100. i am 32 flavors. and then some.


I'd like to come up with my own 100 list. Hey, 46 of them are written out for me anyway.
--------------------------------------
*Actually I'm more of a Bette Davis fan than a Katharine Hepburn. But this still describes me very well.
**My "gran" told me I was her favorite a long time ago. This really offended me, because I had great cousins and thought I didn't deserve to be her favorite. Then I wondered if she told them they were her favorites too. Then I realized when I grew up that she respected me most. Because I worked hard for what I had and they were handed everything on a silver platter. And yes, I wanted everything to be handed to me. That would have made it a hell of a lot easier. However, I worked for what I have and it's mine (sorry if that makes me sound bitter or cynical). PS I still love my cousins.

Yours Truly, rancette at 11:54 AM PDT
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Dog Day Afternoon
I have to thank Tad Bitter. I know he's going to be out of town for the next week or so, but that's okay. When he becomes the next Neil Simon, none of us will be surprised.

I have written a couple plays myself. None of them were performed, because I never got connected into the/a theater community. And while I like Woody Allen movies, I can't imagine living in New York.

Tad is right. When you're writing for theater, you have a few characters and it centers around dialogue. My specialty is dialogue, however, I did get into screenwriting and am very happy here. With writing, I'd like to experiment or work in every format. But the key to success is writing in one way and doing it very well (see Rancelot's page about how Britney is trying to outdo herself by trying to accomplish too much too soon).

That being said, I took Tad's advice and rented Dogville. I took his additional advice and watched it when I had plenty of time. He said to watch the movie in bits and pieces and to stop it if it needed to soak in a little bit.

You know sometimes movies watched in segments are the best. The only bad thing about going to a movie theater is that you can't rewind or you can't pause if you need a little mental break.

In fact, I wanted to see Dogville when it came here in the theaters, but something was holding me back.

Now I have something to admit to you all. When I was watching the movie, my mind wandered. And I thought of the perfect ending to my novel. Yes, that's right, I said novel.

After explaining that focusing on screenwriting is going to be the key to my success, you're stunned to read that I'm working on a novel! And this is actually my second. I paused Dogville and was able to finish my novel in a matter of minutes. I had been stuck on it for months and months and suddenly everything became clear.

Now, keep in mind the storyline was very different than Dogville's and it basically had nothing to do with it. But somehow, my mind was able to go to a place and figure out in a moment what I couldn't figure out in months.

Now, here comes the sucky part. My agent knows I've written these books, and is not very anxious to have them published. Cause not only am I trying to establish myself as a screenwriter, here comes the tough part, the books that I've written are children's books. May have worked for Madonna, but can it work for me? (BTW, I know you're wondering. No, I'm not Madonna.)

So anyway, the good news is I finished my second book. The bad news is it may not see the light of day for awhile. I've thought of writing under a pseudonym, which might work. However, then they might want me to work on more children's books if they're successful. While my agent over here is saying work on another script. And while my father is saying children's books don't sell, so sell out to Hollywood.

It really is a tough decision. What I should do?

Yours Truly, rancette at 5:34 AM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:21 AM PDT
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Tuesday, 31 August 2004
Rance, Quentin, and Jealousy
It's really hard to admit this, but my fascination with Rance is diminishing. I'll try to explain this. At the beginning of the "relationship" (viewer vs. poster), it was thrilling to read Rance's raves and to hear about the accomplished actor/world-traveler. In addition to his wit, we shared many interests. So it was interesting to read his posts.

Like many one-sided relationships, you can only do so much before you get tired of it. This isn't to say I'm going to retire my blog. Heck no! I'm just saying that it is not possible to center it around Rance now that Rance is gone (or replaced by boring/insufficiently competent guest bloggists).

Now that Quentin Tarantino has a blog, I will admit, some of my enthusiasm about Rance shifted to QT. After all, Rance isn't gleaming in the limelight anymore. Someone new has come along. And I give him my attention now.

It's like hanging on to a relationship you know isn't going to last. When Rance posts, it's thrilling and there is that hope that maybe he will return to normal and love his audience again. But as the days go by and all that is revealed is unintelligible ramblings by Rocky or Rubber Duckie or even Ken, I have to admit I'm not interested. Their style is different. Even though Rance appreciates them, I sure do not. I appreciate Rance!

Speaking about relationships you know won't last, I DUMPED the Hollywood actor I was seeing. Yes, I did. I told him I was offended that he tried to get this girl's number right in front of me. He did say I, Rancette, was "wrong" to be jealous. Apparently he was trying to "connect her to the right people in the industry."

Yeah, if I were naive or if this were a one time occurence, maybe dumping him would have been an overreaction. But when he's chatting up every girl he sees every time we go on a date, this is not a very pleasant experience for me. So even though I'd like to be in a relationship right now, no relationship is better than a bad relationship.

It was hard to break up with him, because I do like him. But I will have to forget about love for the time being. Until I find someone that I don't need to get "jealous" about.

Notes from Rancette (sorry I don't have an administrative staff): I wrote this post the day before. It's a coincedence that Wakefield posted yesterday to write less about Rance. To tell the truth, I am becoming less interested in him, and it's sad. If Rance wants to string people around, people are going to get tired of it.

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:10 AM PDT
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Monday, 30 August 2004
Rhymes with Orange. hmmm....
I don't know if I should admit this or not. Here goes. Even though I write screenplays, I don't limit my writing to this. A couple years ago, I wrote hundreds of songs per year. Most of them were bad, but still, I wrote quite a bit. Then I realized that I wasn't working on my scripts, so I devoted my writing time to scripts. Of course that drastically reduced the amount of writing time I had for writing songs, and I write a lot fewer songs.

But ever since waxwing's Friday, June 11th post on Rance's site, I have been wanting to post something that rhymes. The acrostic was not by any means try to rhyme (if so, I have serious problems). I wrote the acrostic after hearing the song "L is for the way you look at me" way too many times. I thought it was really stupid, until I realized writing an acrostic that rhymes it extremely difficult (beyond my rancette-capabilities).

Maybe I will get around to posting a rhyming Hollywood rant. I don't know. Or maybe something that rhymes. Hey, this is my blog. I can do what I want, right?

But the point is, even though the majority of guest-bloggers on rance's site really suck, I will never forget that one post by waxwing. I've always wanted to do that. Now if I can get my brain back in lyric-writing mode...

Yours Truly, rancette at 1:05 PM PDT
Updated: Monday, 30 August 2004 1:09 PM PDT
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Rance Acrostic
R is for your RANTS on Hollywood
A is for your AIR of mystery
N is for NOT revealing your identity
C is for how you CEASE to post
E is for the ELOQUENCE of your writing

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:29 AM PDT
Updated: Monday, 30 August 2004 6:30 AM PDT
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Sunday, 29 August 2004
Get thee to a nunnery! continued
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Sister Joan, Math Teacher at St. Francis Academy, Part II of II

Thursday evening: non-diary entry

Sister Joan bumps into Father Cooper in the Computer Lab. She politely faces him and not his computer, not trying to be nosy by reading his computer screen.

FC: Sister Joan, I hear you're leaving us? Have you always wanted to go to Africa?

Sister Joan breaks down crying.

SJ: I don't want to go to Africa!

FC: You're our most patient teacher. I wish we had more teachers like you. Stay here!

SJ: I can't. Mother Superior said I have to go and that I can't talk to you about it.

FC: Of course you can talk to me about it. I'm sure this is a control issue for Mother Superior and I will do anything in my power to help you.

SJ: Oh, Father Cooper, I should have confessed this to you and not her in the first place. But it's so terrible!

FC: You can tell me.

SJ: I'm madly in love with you!

FC: Sister Joan, do you not remember your vows?

SJ: Yes, I do, but...

Father Cooper looks at the computer screen.

FC: Holy cow! Gigglepriest is here!

SJ: I'm sorry?

Father Cooper points to the computer.

FC: Gigglepriest, my chat-friend.

SJ: Oh, he sounds familiar.

FC: Oh, you chat at the vat too?

Sister Joan has a horrifying revelation. Father Cooper is Rance!!!

SJ: Are you Rance?

FC/RANCE: Don't tell anyone!

SJ: I'll call up the L.A. Times.

FC/RANCE: What do you want? Anything! I'll pay you off.

SJ: Tell Mother Superior not to transfer me to Africa.

FC/RANCE: Whew. I thought you still wanted to run away together.

SJ: There's a good idea! Do you want to?

FC/RANCE: I'm sorry, Sister Joan. I'll twist Mother Superior's arm, so you can stay here.

SJ: No. If you can't return my feelings, I'd rather go to Africa. Now I understand why you haven't been posting to Rance's site, Father Cooper. You were too busy with the opening of the new orphanage this week.

FC/RANCE: Riiiight! Bingo.

Rance tries to log into tripod.com to denounce any potential rumors that he is a priest. Sister Joan looks at Rance's computer screen, horrified. She forgot to log out the last time.

FC/RANCE: This isn't my site! Who's Rancette? You're Rancette!

SJ: Oh, my goodness, this is too much to handle!

FC/RANCE: Always log out on public computers, honey.

SJ: So you're not Quentin Tarantino?

FC/RANCE: No.

SJ: And not George Clooney?

FC/RANCE: No.

SJ: Owen Wilson, Jim Carrey, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon?

FC/RANCE: No, no, no, no!

SJ: What about Keith Thomason?

FC/RANCE: Who's Keith Thomason?

SJ: I'm am saddened by your great lies.

FC/RANCE: What are you talking about? I used to be an actor and I was involved in a few scuffles back in my day. I saw my name in print.

SJ: That explains why you're so handsome.

FC/RANCE: I know about the nuns calling me Gary Cooper behind my back too. And as for you, you're the liar. You aren't a screenwriter. You're holed up at the school all day.

Sister Joan blushes.

SJ: Actually, being in the convent hasn't limited me. I find time to write whenever I can. And yes, I do have an agent and have been working on scripts. This is L.A.! What do you think I've been doing in the Computer Lab?

FC/RANCE: What did you do with the money from the sale of your script!

SJ: I donated it to the building of the orphanage of course! How do you think we got enough money? See, God always provides a way. So you're still up for running away together?

Rance, thunderstruck, begs Mother Superior to transfer crazy Sister Joan to Africa, the heck away from him!

Notes: I forgot to note what segments were fiction. If they are Rance & Rancette stories, chances are they are fiction. I will admit that this story is not true, even though I've always wanted to be a nun. And we all know Rance chats at the Vat! Wait a sec, this story is true!

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:32 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 29 August 2004 7:44 AM PDT
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Saturday, 28 August 2004
Honorary Hero / 2nd email to Q
Not that it means much to be deemed a hero by me, but I'll have to give that honor to Quentin Tarantino.

Just last week I was complaining how no one updates their blog on the weekend. QT updated his blog this weekend. Awesome!

Just for the record, I do believe his blog is real. I think he's really real. He hasn't responded to my email yet (it was probably thrown in the loony pile). Ok, I don't know if Quentin has a loony pile. After all, he's not Rance.

I decided to write him another email. Stacy (his editor) will probably delete it, because maybe she doesn't like the fact that I'm flirting with Q. Oh well, maybe I'll be more discreet about my feelings in the next email.

"Q,

Have you ever thought about using Faye Dunaway or Jacqueline Bisset in your films? I know Faye Dunaway has a reputation for being difficult. That's why I suggested Jacqueline Bisset for Plan B.

Also Julie Dreyfus is kick-ass. Are you planning to use her again?

Much love,
Rancette, Los Angeles"

Yours Truly, rancette at 3:59 PM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 28 August 2004 5:02 PM PDT
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Get thee to a nunnery!
Topic: Rance & Rancette
From the Diary of Sister Joan, Math Teacher at St. Francis Academy, Part I of II

Tuesday-Mother Superior says I'm doing a good job teaching the kids math. Sister Helen made a catty comment about how only brainiacs teach math. God blessed me with a talent for teaching, and I always liked every subject when I was in school. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Father Cooper is exceedingly handsome. All the sisters call him Gary Cooper behind his back. God please forgive me these evil thoughts I have about him. But I cannot tell him how I feel in confession, because then he would know. Is this wrong? I pray to God it isn't, and confess to God of wanting Father Cooper, instead of confessing to Father Cooper.


Wednesday- I asked Mother Superior for advice. I told her that I felt guilty about not being able to confess to Father Cooper about YOU KNOW WHAT and she said it was ok if I confessed to her instead. Now, Mother Superior is flying off the wall, saying I will probably be transferred to Africa, away from Father Cooper! This is terrible.

Susie's doing so good after I started tutoring her and she was failing before. If Sister Bertha starts teaching math again, Susie will be tossed out on the waves. And oh, how I will miss Father Cooper preaching every Sunday. And I'll miss seeing him in the cafeteria. And in the Computer Lab. And the counseling sessions we had to monitor my progress. He always said the sweetest things like "You're the sister with the most patience" or "I wish we had more teachers like you."

I always dreamed we'd run away together. Of course, that is not possible, because we have both taken vows. I have been forbidden to see Father Cooper, but I wanted to at least confess to him and see if Mother Superior's decision was fair.


Notes from Rancette (sorry I don't have an Administrative Staff): I was going to post this all in one post, but I decided to split it up on the weekend, otherwise there wouldn't be a post on Sunday.

ResDog


I was going to rip off a quote or something from Reservoir Dogs, but then I forgot what I was going to rip off. I'm still trying to think of it, so here's hoping I figure it out by tomorrow.


The pic is dedicated to Tad Bitter. Yes, it really was that easy! However, I will not post pics all the time.



Yours Truly, rancette at 6:12 AM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 28 August 2004 6:37 AM PDT
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Friday, 27 August 2004
Rance's Vampire Fascination
I have a confession to make:
A month ago, I nearly pretended to be a vampire, so Rance would be interested in having me replace him. But I'm glad I didn't. Because I wouldn't have thought of telling him that I could turn into a bat. Rance wanted a vampire who could turn into a bat. How stupid is that?

But here's the interesting part. About two months ago, I got an idea for a vampire script. Not being goth, I had no idea how to go about it. But I figured, I can do the research, can't I?

So I read a couple Anne Rice novels and watched a couple of her movies, went to New Orleans, interviewed some Goth chicks, read up on Elizabeth (Erzebet) Bathory and Vlad the Impaler (Dracula).

Then I got a call to develop this other idea I had pitched to a studio, a few weeks later. So the vampire idea is on hold for now. But the point is, I was thinking about pretending I was a vampire for Rance, because I had conveniently done all the research anyway. But in all my findings, I never came across a vampire who could turn into a bat. Except maybe the Count from Sesame Street. I don't remember what his deal was.

If I ever get back to this vampire script, yes, I admit I would want Rance to see it. However, I would never make my vampire turn into a bat simply to please him. I REFUSE!

Yours Truly, rancette at 5:37 AM PDT
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Thursday, 26 August 2004
Andy Kaufman Returns
Mood:  hug me
Self-explanatory blog: Andy Kaufman Returns

This one isn't as good as the fake Quentin Tarantino blog. Not that I think Q's blog is fake. That's just what the unbelievers say. And doubt is contagious.

Here's another site that says Kaufman faked his death.

Yours Truly, rancette at 3:53 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 26 August 2004 3:58 PM PDT
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Rance Among Us
Mood:  mischievious
This conversation takes place between Quentin Tarantino, George Clooney, and Orlando Bloom. Adam Sandler makes a guest appearance. Offensive language not used, but you can imagine that it is.

GEORGE: How's it hanging, QT?

QT: Pretty good.

GEORGE: You know, we should start hanging out again.

QT: When did we ever hang out?

GEORGE: You know. On the set From Dusk Till Dawn.

QT: You vampire freak.

GEORGE: I don't care about vampires.

QT: Yeah, you do. I bet you're Rance.

GEORGE: That's a dirty name in Hollywood. I'm not Rance.

ORLANDO: Who's Rance?

George and QT laugh at Orlando's stupidity.

QT: You're in Hollywood, and you don't know who Rance is?

ORLANDO: I'm from England!

GEORGE: Get a life!

QT: You need to read Variety, you punk.

Orlando Bloom starts crying. Adam Sandler chastises George and QT.

ADAM: You guys only know who Rance is, because you've been accused of being Rance.

GEORGE/QT: I'm not Rance!

ADAM: O, Rance is this dude who posts on the internet. He claims to be a Hollywood actor.

ORLANDO: Couldn't be me. I'm from England.

GEORGE: (to Adam) And he could be you, but you don't have enough wit.

ORLANDO (intrigued): So why do they think Quentin is Rance?

ADAM: Well, there's this blog that Quentin started.

QUENTIN: Only I didn't start it.

ADAM: Well, yeah, it's not Quentin's blog. But there's this guy who is pretending to be Quentin.

ORLANDO: For all we know, it could be Quentin?

Quentin slaps Orlando on the back side of his head.

QT: It's not me, dork.

ORLANDO: So how do I know George isn't Rance?

GEORGE: Hey, I'm not Rance. But if it were between Quentin and me, I'd be Rance.

QT: I'm so much wittier than you.

GEORGE: Yeah, but the guy on the fake QT Blog cusses a mile a minute.

QT: So?

GEORGE: Rance doesn't cuss.

QT: So? He's cool. And I am so much cooler than you.

ADAM: Orlando, what are my initials?

ORLANDO: Huh?

ADAM: What are my intitials?

ORLANDO: A. S.

GEORGE: You're not trying to say what I think you're trying to say, Adam?

ADAM: I'm the Administrative Staff.

Orlando has a lost look on his face.

QUENTIN: Why'd you tell him, Adam? You NUT CASE!

GEORGE: Wait, you knew about this Quentin?

QUENTIN: Yeah.

GEORGE: And you didn't tell me?

Quentin brushes George away.

QUENTIN: Look, we're not pals OK?

GEORGE: But I really want to be in the Vega Brothers prequel!

QUENTIN: Is that what you're after? Man! You were just chumming up with me to get a role in my movie?

GEORGE: No.

QUENTIN: That is so low.

GEORGE: No.

QUENTIN: Yes, it is.

GEORGE: You could never be Rance.

ADAM: He is.

QUENTIN: Look, you wanted to be in Inglorious B******, Adam. You go around talking about things that shouldn't be talked about, I'll have to reconsider you for the role.

ADAM: Hey, you'd be lucky to have me in your movie!

QUENTIN: Oh, yeah? Why have you been slaving as my Administrative Staff then, Adam? Hadn't you gone too far to turn back now?

GEORGE (to Quentin): You're Rance?

ORLANDO: HUH!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??

Yours Truly, rancette at 9:37 AM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 26 August 2004 11:50 AM PDT
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004
Rance & Rancette: Rance's Fatal Mistake
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Notes from Rancette (sorry I have no administrative staff):

Annie said in my comments:
"Rance might get jealous if he has some competition."

You know, I should have thought of this sooner, Annie. You're a genius! Instead of moping about, begging Rance to pay me attention, I should devote my blog to other people and he could get jealous. However, I already had this installment of Rance & Rancette written, so going gaga for Quentin will have to wait.


FADE IN

INT. HOLLYWOOD MANSION

Lavish Hollywood party. PUNCH BOWL BOY (who looks alarmingly like
John, Rance & Rancette's waiter) is serving punch to the guests.

PUNCH BOWL BOY
Hi, how are you?

Hands her a cup of punch.

RANCETTE
I'm doing good, thanks. I'm *BLEEP*. What's your
name?

PUNCH BOWL BOY
*BLEEP*.

Rancette feels a shadowy figure behind her. She turn around to find
George Clooney checking her out.

GEORGE
Hello, beautiful.

RANCETTE
George, I always heard of what a ladies man you were,
but I never knew for sure until now.

GEORGE
What are you talking about?

Rancette blushes as George smiles a great big Clooney smile and
looks right in her eyes.

RANCETTE
Well, I uh...

They talk for a half hour. Dialogue not posted for spacial limits.

The next day Rancette checks Rance's site as usual. She is
shocked to find his first post in over a week. This post includes all the
details of George & Rancette's conversation from the night before. Worse
yet, George/Rance reveals Rancette's professional name!

Rancette calls up several reporters who worked on reporting the initial
"Who is Rance?" stories. None of them believe that she knows George Clooney
is Rance. Rancette takes matters into her own hands.

INT. ANOTHER VERY SIMILAR HOLLYWOOD MANSION

Lavish, extravagant Hollywood party. Pink and Britney Spears are
here, among Scarlett Johansson and Jake Gyllenhaal. Rancette is about
to introduce herself to Jake (the moment she has been waiting for
all her life)! But George Clooney is here, she sees, as she
looks past Jake. George Clooney must be dealt with.

RANCETTE
(to George)
Why hello, again Clooney. I bet you weren't expecting
to hear from me anytime soon.

GEORGE
(putting on the charm)
Oh, angel lips! Great to see you baby doll.

RANCETTE
Cut it out, Rance.

A look of horror crosses George/Rance's face.

RANCE
Please don't tell anyone.

RANCETTE
That depends.

RANCE
On what?

RANCETTE
If you cooperate.

RANCE
I'm not going to pay you off...

RANCETTE
Well, you don't have to. This is just about the right
time for your identity to be revealed anyway.

RANCE
How did you figure it out? Are you Lora? Robyn?
Waxwing? Is waxwing a girl? A man? Oh my go...

Rancette giggles.

RANCETTE
No, I'm not going to reveal my identity. But
let's just say I'm on top of things.

RANCE
Wait, I know who you are. You're that screenwriter.
You're Rancette!

RANCETTE
W-Wait a minute, George.

RANCE
Two can play this game.

RANCETTE
I was kind of ticked off that you used my real
name in your post, Rance.

RANCE
I'm sorry.

RANCETTE
Sorry's too bad. There's only one way out of this
trap, Rance. And guess what the price to pay is?

Rance winces.

RANCE
What?

RANCETTE
You post everyday on your blog, until you want me
to spill your identity to the world.

RANCE
Simple enough. I can get Rubber Duckie to cover
Mondays and Wednesdays and Gus Openshaw to cover
Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'll do Fridays. Who can
do weekends? You, Rancette??

RANCETTE
Although thrilled you finally offered your blog to
me, the answer is no. No guest bloggers.

RANCE
But that would be impossible! I can't post everyday.
I don't have internet access on weekends!

RANCETTE
You're going to have to find a way, Rance. Unless
you want your identity to be revealed to the world.

Rance suddenly starts posting everyday, much to the surprise of his fans.
They all live happily ever after, except Gus Openshaw, Rocky, and
Rubber Duckie, who wonder why they were suddenly cut out of being guest
bloggists.

FADE OUT

THE END

Yours Truly, rancette at 9:57 AM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:38 AM PDT
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