Get thee to a nunnery! continued
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Sister Joan, Math Teacher at St. Francis Academy, Part II of II

Thursday evening: non-diary entry

Sister Joan bumps into Father Cooper in the Computer Lab. She politely faces him and not his computer, not trying to be nosy by reading his computer screen.

FC: Sister Joan, I hear you're leaving us? Have you always wanted to go to Africa?

Sister Joan breaks down crying.

SJ: I don't want to go to Africa!

FC: You're our most patient teacher. I wish we had more teachers like you. Stay here!

SJ: I can't. Mother Superior said I have to go and that I can't talk to you about it.

FC: Of course you can talk to me about it. I'm sure this is a control issue for Mother Superior and I will do anything in my power to help you.

SJ: Oh, Father Cooper, I should have confessed this to you and not her in the first place. But it's so terrible!

FC: You can tell me.

SJ: I'm madly in love with you!

FC: Sister Joan, do you not remember your vows?

SJ: Yes, I do, but...

Father Cooper looks at the computer screen.

FC: Holy cow! Gigglepriest is here!

SJ: I'm sorry?

Father Cooper points to the computer.

FC: Gigglepriest, my chat-friend.

SJ: Oh, he sounds familiar.

FC: Oh, you chat at the vat too?

Sister Joan has a horrifying revelation. Father Cooper is Rance!!!

SJ: Are you Rance?

FC/RANCE: Don't tell anyone!

SJ: I'll call up the L.A. Times.

FC/RANCE: What do you want? Anything! I'll pay you off.

SJ: Tell Mother Superior not to transfer me to Africa.

FC/RANCE: Whew. I thought you still wanted to run away together.

SJ: There's a good idea! Do you want to?

FC/RANCE: I'm sorry, Sister Joan. I'll twist Mother Superior's arm, so you can stay here.

SJ: No. If you can't return my feelings, I'd rather go to Africa. Now I understand why you haven't been posting to Rance's site, Father Cooper. You were too busy with the opening of the new orphanage this week.

FC/RANCE: Riiiight! Bingo.

Rance tries to log into tripod.com to denounce any potential rumors that he is a priest. Sister Joan looks at Rance's computer screen, horrified. She forgot to log out the last time.

FC/RANCE: This isn't my site! Who's Rancette? You're Rancette!

SJ: Oh, my goodness, this is too much to handle!

FC/RANCE: Always log out on public computers, honey.

SJ: So you're not Quentin Tarantino?

FC/RANCE: No.

SJ: And not George Clooney?

FC/RANCE: No.

SJ: Owen Wilson, Jim Carrey, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon?

FC/RANCE: No, no, no, no!

SJ: What about Keith Thomason?

FC/RANCE: Who's Keith Thomason?

SJ: I'm am saddened by your great lies.

FC/RANCE: What are you talking about? I used to be an actor and I was involved in a few scuffles back in my day. I saw my name in print.

SJ: That explains why you're so handsome.

FC/RANCE: I know about the nuns calling me Gary Cooper behind my back too. And as for you, you're the liar. You aren't a screenwriter. You're holed up at the school all day.

Sister Joan blushes.

SJ: Actually, being in the convent hasn't limited me. I find time to write whenever I can. And yes, I do have an agent and have been working on scripts. This is L.A.! What do you think I've been doing in the Computer Lab?

FC/RANCE: What did you do with the money from the sale of your script!

SJ: I donated it to the building of the orphanage of course! How do you think we got enough money? See, God always provides a way. So you're still up for running away together?

Rance, thunderstruck, begs Mother Superior to transfer crazy Sister Joan to Africa, the heck away from him!

Notes: I forgot to note what segments were fiction. If they are Rance & Rancette stories, chances are they are fiction. I will admit that this story is not true, even though I've always wanted to be a nun. And we all know Rance chats at the Vat! Wait a sec, this story is true!

Honorary Hero / 2nd email to Q
Not that it means much to be deemed a hero by me, but I'll have to give that honor to Quentin Tarantino.

Just last week I was complaining how no one updates their blog on the weekend. QT updated his blog this weekend. Awesome!

Just for the record, I do believe his blog is real. I think he's really real. He hasn't responded to my email yet (it was probably thrown in the loony pile). Ok, I don't know if Quentin has a loony pile. After all, he's not Rance.

I decided to write him another email. Stacy (his editor) will probably delete it, because maybe she doesn't like the fact that I'm flirting with Q. Oh well, maybe I'll be more discreet about my feelings in the next email.

"Q,

Have you ever thought about using Faye Dunaway or Jacqueline Bisset in your films? I know Faye Dunaway has a reputation for being difficult. That's why I suggested Jacqueline Bisset for Plan B.

Also Julie Dreyfus is kick-ass. Are you planning to use her again?

Much love,
Rancette, Los Angeles"

Get thee to a nunnery!
Topic: Rance & Rancette
From the Diary of Sister Joan, Math Teacher at St. Francis Academy, Part I of II

Tuesday-Mother Superior says I'm doing a good job teaching the kids math. Sister Helen made a catty comment about how only brainiacs teach math. God blessed me with a talent for teaching, and I always liked every subject when I was in school. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Father Cooper is exceedingly handsome. All the sisters call him Gary Cooper behind his back. God please forgive me these evil thoughts I have about him. But I cannot tell him how I feel in confession, because then he would know. Is this wrong? I pray to God it isn't, and confess to God of wanting Father Cooper, instead of confessing to Father Cooper.

Wednesday- I asked Mother Superior for advice. I told her that I felt guilty about not being able to confess to Father Cooper about YOU KNOW WHAT and she said it was ok if I confessed to her instead. Now, Mother Superior is flying off the wall, saying I will probably be transferred to Africa, away from Father Cooper! This is terrible.

Susie's doing so good after I started tutoring her and she was failing before. If Sister Bertha starts teaching math again, Susie will be tossed out on the waves. And oh, how I will miss Father Cooper preaching every Sunday. And I'll miss seeing him in the cafeteria. And in the Computer Lab. And the counseling sessions we had to monitor my progress. He always said the sweetest things like "You're the sister with the most patience" or "I wish we had more teachers like you."

I always dreamed we'd run away together. Of course, that is not possible, because we have both taken vows. I have been forbidden to see Father Cooper, but I wanted to at least confess to him and see if Mother Superior's decision was fair.


Notes from Rancette (sorry I don't have an Administrative Staff): I was going to post this all in one post, but I decided to split it up on the weekend, otherwise there wouldn't be a post on Sunday.




I was going to rip off a quote or something from Reservoir Dogs, but then I forgot what I was going to rip off. I'm still trying to think of it, so here's hoping I figure it out by tomorrow.

The pic is dedicated to Tad Bitter. Yes, it really was that easy! However, I will not post pics all the time.

Rance's Vampire Fascination
I have a confession to make:
A month ago, I nearly pretended to be a vampire, so Rance would be interested in having me replace him. But I'm glad I didn't. Because I wouldn't have thought of telling him that I could turn into a bat. Rance wanted a vampire who could turn into a bat. How stupid is that?

But here's the interesting part. About two months ago, I got an idea for a vampire script. Not being goth, I had no idea how to go about it. But I figured, I can do the research, can't I?

So I read a couple Anne Rice novels and watched a couple of her movies, went to New Orleans, interviewed some Goth chicks, read up on Elizabeth (Erzebet) Bathory and Vlad the Impaler (Dracula).

Then I got a call to develop this other idea I had pitched to a studio, a few weeks later. So the vampire idea is on hold for now. But the point is, I was thinking about pretending I was a vampire for Rance, because I had conveniently done all the research anyway. But in all my findings, I never came across a vampire who could turn into a bat. Except maybe the Count from Sesame Street. I don't remember what his deal was.

If I ever get back to this vampire script, yes, I admit I would want Rance to see it. However, I would never make my vampire turn into a bat simply to please him. I REFUSE!

Andy Kaufman Returns
Mood:  hug me
Self-explanatory blog: Andy Kaufman Returns

This one isn't as good as the fake Quentin Tarantino blog. Not that I think Q's blog is fake. That's just what the unbelievers say. And doubt is contagious.

Here's another site that says Kaufman faked his death.

Rance Among Us
Mood:  mischievious
This conversation takes place between Quentin Tarantino, George Clooney, and Orlando Bloom. Adam Sandler makes a guest appearance. Offensive language not used, but you can imagine that it is.

GEORGE: How's it hanging, QT?

QT: Pretty good.

GEORGE: You know, we should start hanging out again.

QT: When did we ever hang out?

GEORGE: You know. On the set From Dusk Till Dawn.

QT: You vampire freak.

GEORGE: I don't care about vampires.

QT: Yeah, you do. I bet you're Rance.

GEORGE: That's a dirty name in Hollywood. I'm not Rance.

ORLANDO: Who's Rance?

George and QT laugh at Orlando's stupidity.

QT: You're in Hollywood, and you don't know who Rance is?

ORLANDO: I'm from England!

GEORGE: Get a life!

QT: You need to read Variety, you punk.

Orlando Bloom starts crying. Adam Sandler chastises George and QT.

ADAM: You guys only know who Rance is, because you've been accused of being Rance.

GEORGE/QT: I'm not Rance!

ADAM: O, Rance is this dude who posts on the internet. He claims to be a Hollywood actor.

ORLANDO: Couldn't be me. I'm from England.

GEORGE: (to Adam) And he could be you, but you don't have enough wit.

ORLANDO (intrigued): So why do they think Quentin is Rance?

ADAM: Well, there's this blog that Quentin started.

QUENTIN: Only I didn't start it.

ADAM: Well, yeah, it's not Quentin's blog. But there's this guy who is pretending to be Quentin.

ORLANDO: For all we know, it could be Quentin?

Quentin slaps Orlando on the back side of his head.

QT: It's not me, dork.

ORLANDO: So how do I know George isn't Rance?

GEORGE: Hey, I'm not Rance. But if it were between Quentin and me, I'd be Rance.

QT: I'm so much wittier than you.

GEORGE: Yeah, but the guy on the fake QT Blog cusses a mile a minute.

QT: So?

GEORGE: Rance doesn't cuss.

QT: So? He's cool. And I am so much cooler than you.

ADAM: Orlando, what are my initials?

ORLANDO: Huh?

ADAM: What are my intitials?

ORLANDO: A. S.

GEORGE: You're not trying to say what I think you're trying to say, Adam?

ADAM: I'm the Administrative Staff.

Orlando has a lost look on his face.

QUENTIN: Why'd you tell him, Adam? You NUT CASE!

GEORGE: Wait, you knew about this Quentin?

QUENTIN: Yeah.

GEORGE: And you didn't tell me?

Quentin brushes George away.

QUENTIN: Look, we're not pals OK?

GEORGE: But I really want to be in the Vega Brothers prequel!

QUENTIN: Is that what you're after? Man! You were just chumming up with me to get a role in my movie?

GEORGE: No.

QUENTIN: That is so low.

GEORGE: No.

QUENTIN: Yes, it is.

GEORGE: You could never be Rance.

ADAM: He is.

QUENTIN: Look, you wanted to be in Inglorious B******, Adam. You go around talking about things that shouldn't be talked about, I'll have to reconsider you for the role.

ADAM: Hey, you'd be lucky to have me in your movie!

QUENTIN: Oh, yeah? Why have you been slaving as my Administrative Staff then, Adam? Hadn't you gone too far to turn back now?

GEORGE (to Quentin): You're Rance?

ORLANDO: HUH!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??

Rance & Rancette: Rance's Fatal Mistake
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Notes from Rancette (sorry I have no administrative staff):

Annie said in my comments:
"Rance might get jealous if he has some competition."

You know, I should have thought of this sooner, Annie. You're a genius! Instead of moping about, begging Rance to pay me attention, I should devote my blog to other people and he could get jealous. However, I already had this installment of Rance & Rancette written, so going gaga for Quentin will have to wait.

FADE IN

INT. HOLLYWOOD MANSION

Lavish Hollywood party.  PUNCH BOWL BOY (who looks alarmingly like 
John, Rance & Rancette's waiter) is serving punch to the guests.

		PUNCH BOWL BOY
	Hi, how are you?

Hands her a cup of punch.

		RANCETTE
	I'm doing good, thanks.  I'm *BLEEP*.  What's your 
	name?

		PUNCH BOWL BOY
	*BLEEP*.

Rancette feels a shadowy figure behind her.  She turn around to find 
George Clooney checking her out.

		GEORGE
	Hello, beautiful.

		RANCETTE
	George, I always heard of what a ladies man you were, 
	but I never knew for sure until now.

		GEORGE
	What are you talking about?

Rancette blushes as George smiles a great big Clooney smile and 
looks right in her eyes.  

		RANCETTE
	Well, I uh...

They talk for a half hour.  Dialogue not posted for spacial limits.

The next day Rancette checks Rance's site as usual.  She is 
shocked to find his first post in over a week.  This post includes all the 
details of George & Rancette's conversation from the night before.  Worse 
yet, George/Rance reveals Rancette's professional name!

Rancette calls up several reporters who worked on reporting the initial 
"Who is Rance?" stories.  None of them believe that she knows George Clooney 
is Rance.  Rancette takes matters into her own hands.

INT. ANOTHER VERY SIMILAR HOLLYWOOD MANSION

Lavish, extravagant Hollywood party.  Pink and Britney Spears are 
here, among Scarlett Johansson and Jake Gyllenhaal.  Rancette is about 
to introduce herself to Jake (the moment she has been waiting for 
all her life)!  But George Clooney is here, she sees, as she 
looks past Jake.  George Clooney must be dealt with.

			RANCETTE
	               (to George)
	Why hello, again Clooney.  I bet you weren't expecting 
	to hear from me anytime soon.

			GEORGE
                 (putting on the charm)
	Oh, angel lips!  Great to see you baby doll.

			RANCETTE
	Cut it out, Rance.

A look of horror crosses George/Rance's face.

			RANCE
	Please don't tell anyone.

			RANCETTE
	That depends.

			RANCE
	On what?

			RANCETTE
	If you cooperate.

			RANCE
	I'm not going to pay you off...

			RANCETTE
	Well, you don't have to.  This is just about the right 
	time for your identity to be revealed anyway.

			RANCE
	How did you figure it out?  Are you Lora? Robyn?  
	Waxwing?  Is waxwing a girl?  A man?  Oh my go...

Rancette giggles.

			RANCETTE
	No, I'm not going to reveal my identity.  But 
	let's just say I'm on top of things.

			RANCE
	Wait, I know who you are.  You're that screenwriter.
	You're Rancette!

			RANCETTE
	W-Wait a minute, George.

			RANCE
	Two can play this game.

			RANCETTE
	I was kind of ticked off that you used my real 
	name in your post, Rance.

			RANCE
	I'm sorry.  

			RANCETTE
	Sorry's too bad.  There's only one way out of this 
	trap, Rance.  And guess what the price to pay is?

Rance winces.

			RANCE
	What?

			RANCETTE
	You post everyday on your blog, until you want me 
	to spill your identity to the world.

			RANCE
	Simple enough.  I can get Rubber Duckie to cover 
	Mondays and Wednesdays and Gus Openshaw to cover 
	Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I'll do Fridays.  Who can 
	do weekends?  You, Rancette??

			RANCETTE
	Although thrilled you finally offered your blog to 
	me, the answer is no.  No guest bloggers.  

			RANCE
	But that would be impossible!  I can't post everyday.  
	I don't have internet access on weekends!

			RANCETTE
	You're going to have to find a way, Rance.  Unless 
	you want your identity to be revealed to the world.

Rance suddenly starts posting everyday, much to the surprise of his fans.  
They all live happily ever after, except Gus Openshaw, Rocky, and 
Rubber Duckie, who wonder why they were suddenly cut out of being guest 
bloggists.

FADE OUT

THE END

Quention Tarantino
Mood:  happy
Dear fellow bloggers/blog-readers,

As you know, I have a thing for celebrities. Today, I discovered Quentin Tarantino's blog. It is supposed to really be Quentin. How cool is that?

Here's the link:
QT's Blog!

All thanks should go to Rancelot, who posted the link on his site. You didn't actually think I was cool enough to discover it myself? Nah, I have cool friends.

I don't know if he'll contact me, but I let him know my feelings for him by e-mail:

"Dear QT,

Sure I love Sophia and all, but can you dump her and marry me? I mean I am so into you. I would understand if you wanted to get to know me. But if you don't, that's OK too.

Just tell me when and where.

Love,

Rancette

PS- It would be too freaky if you invited the actors who massacred the Bride's groom-to-be and friends so please don't invite them."

I have a Rance & Rancette post scheduled for tomorrow. That's why I posted this tonight.

W's Identity Continued
Well, I got to thinking that Chloe Sevigny might be interested in emailing Rance. #1 Because she's a ho #2 She was dropped from the William Morris Agency and probably wanted to improve her image or at least get out there. #3 But she has so many movies lined up now*, she probably told Rance, "Look honey, I don't have time".

COULD "W" BE CHLOE SEVIGNY??

They I thought of the obvious/not-so-obvious choice: George!

W. Bush that is, not Clooney. At first, Rance may have been trying to be sly, calling George W. Bush: [withheld]. But the real truth came out after shortening his name to "W". He thought with all the anti-Bush tension in the air, he didn't want someone to think he was voting for Bush. Or since "W" is supposed to be female, maybe it's Jenna or Laura Bush. I don't know, though. None of these Bushes can be described as "starlets".

COULD "W" BE ONE OF THE BUSHES??

Then, I really got to thinking. It is a very real possibility that Rance is a washed up actor whose identity might be more impressive hidden, than not. He's probably an older gentleman who longs for the days when young starlets used to give him the time of day. And now that they're not... maybe rance created this "W" not for our interest, but his own.

COULD "W" BE RANCE'S IMAGINARY STARLET??

Catherine Zeta-Jones and Nicole Kidman are turning down people left and right. When approached to replace E!'s offer to host a red carpet special (for the Emmys, etc.) they said "No way!" So when Rance got down on his knees and begged Nicole Kidman (Vance the Anti-Rance) and Catherine Z-J to take over, they said, "No way!"

COULD "W" BE NIC OR CZJ?
--------------------------
*Melinda and Melinda, 3 Needles, Manderlay, Mrs. Harris, and the new film by Jim Jarmusch

miscellaneous
Mood:  special
ADDENDUM:
Snarkywood is a cool site. I wish I was Amy.

Also, I've figured it out. "Rance & Rancette" hasn't ended. It's a series. So each time when Rance's identity is revealed, he will be someone new. There are so many people he could be, that it would take awhile to run out of ideas.

Weekend/ the identity of W questioned
Mood:  accident prone
Why does no one update their blog on the weekends except me? Do people consider blogging a Monday through Friday occurence? Do they want to enjoy their weekends? Does that mean they don't enjoy blogging, so they blog only at work? Does that mean Rance has a 9-5 job where he only has access to the Internet at work? Does that mean Rance isn't the superstar actor he claims to be? Or does that mean he's a has-been with a big ego who is working some menial job now?

Well, Rance posted on the weekend once. That was Saturday, June 26th. But you are able to set the post to appear at a later date. But maybe he did log on that one fateful Saturday.

I'm not just talking about Rance, though. I'm talking about everyone in the Movies community! And everyone in Rance's inner/outer circle. I am wondering what is wrong with me? No, I haven't been to any exciting parties lately. And I have written a break-up letter to my actor-boyfriend telling him why I don't feel comfortable with someone who solicits other girls' phone numbers while I'm right there. RRRrrrr!!!

As for the identity of "W" (rance's shortening of [withheld]'s name), does anybody have any ideas? I mean who would email Rance, say "I don't want to be the new Rance, please withhold my name"? I'll elaborate on this tomorrow unless anyone has any better ideas about who W could be.

Rance and Rancette Go To the Oscars
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Part Two of Two

No limo shows up, even an hour past the designated time.  Rancette 
shows up to the Oscars in a light pink Versace gown.  Security 
guards take her away, because she has no invitation.

Rancette is sitting in jail, next to crazy lunatics.

			RANCETTE
	   	       (to guard)
	Excuse me, could we watch the Oscars?

			GUARD
	Ha, looks like you're all dressed up with nowhere 
	to go.

			RANCETTE
	Well, I was supposed to go to the Oscars with 
	this actor I met, but he stood me up.  He's so high 
	and mighty.  I hope he loses!!!

			GUARD
	He's nominated?  Where did you meet him?

			RANCETTE
	On the Internet.  We were both in the L.A. area so...

			GUARD
	So have you ever met him?

			RANCETTE
	No. 

			GUARD
	Who did he claim to be?

			RANCETTE
	He didn't say.  I sent him a picture of me and gave 
	him my address.

			GUARD
	That was really stupid.  Hey, I'm glad you're 
	in jail.  He might have tried to break into your 
	house tonight while you were at the Oscars.

			RANCETTE
	How could he break into my house if he were at the 
	Oscars?

			GUARD
	Dummy.  He isn't a Hollywood actor.  He lied to you.

			RANCETTE
	But his name is Rance.  He's an anonymous poster 
	on the Internet who...

			GUARD
	Holy ****!  You don't mean THE Rance?  (chuckles)
	Boy, he sured pulled one over on you.

			ANNOUNCER ON TV (O.C.)
	Please welcome the presenter for Best Actor... 
	Renee Zellweger!

Renee Zellweger walks to the podium.  

			RENEE (V.O.)
	The nominees are as follows... Denzel Washington 
	for "Manchurian Candidate", Jim Carrey for "Eternal
	Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", Tom Cruise for 
	"Colla-la-teral", Jude Law for "I Heart Huckabee's" 
	and Colin Farrell for "At Home at the End of the World".

Camera shows Denzel, trying to keep his cool.  It cuts to Jim Carrey, with 
pursed lips and a sweating brow.  Tom Cruise winces when Renee stumbles over 
announcing his movie.  Jude Law leans a little too forward in his chair.  
He is anxious.  Colin Farrell expects to lose and is rolling his eyes.

			RENEE
	And the winner is... JIM CARREY! Wow.

Jim Carrey races to the podium, briefly kissing his ex-girlfriend.  
He pulls out his list.

			JIM CARREY
	I have an important announcement.  I would like to 
	take this opportunity to announce to the world 
	that I am... Rance!   I'd like to thank Waxwing, 
	Robyn, Rubber Duckie, Gus Openshaw, Shorty, Jay, Lora, 
	Ginny, Gigglechick, Wheeler Jones, Agent Pepito 
	and BabyGirlCrow.  For all you fools at the Academy,
	it's high time someone recognized my genius.

The music starts playing.  The camera shows Denzel with a "what the **** look" 
on his face.  The camera cuts to Colin Farrell, crying.  

FADE OUT

THE END

Rance and Rancette Go to the Oscars
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Part One of Two

				RANCE
		Rancette, what are you doing this Sunday?

				RANCETTE
		I'm going to be at home.  Eat something 
		fattening.  OH MY GOSH THE OSCARS ARE THIS SUNDAY!?  
		Are you going to watch them?

				RANCE
		Well, yeah.

				RANCETTE
		Duh.  I can't believe it's this time of year again.  
		I almost forgot.

				RANCE
		Uh huh.

				RANCETTE
		It's always been a dream of mine to win an Oscar.  
		Maybe someday, right?

				RANCE
		Right.  Me too.

				RANCETTE
		Say, I know we're not supposed to talk about your 
		"true identity" Rance, but have you ever been to the 
		Oscars?

				RANCE
		Well, actually, I'm going tonight.  I'm nominated.

				RANCETTE
		You're going to BE THERE!?

				RANCE
		Yes, I'm nominated.

				RANCETTE
		You ARE!?

				RANCE
		Yes, and actually, I'd like it if you'd accompany 
		me.

				RANCETTE
		I'd LOVE TO!  You aren't pulling my leg?

				RANCE
		No, I'll have a limo pick you up.

				RANCETTE
		I have the perfect dress.  I bought it, and I thought 
		"this is too extravagant.  Where would I ever wear 
		this?"

				RANCE
		I think I'd look smart with a screenwriter.  
		That's why I chose you.

				RANCETTE
		I bet your date canceled at the last moment.

				RANCE
		Actually, she did.

				RANCETTE
		I could go down the list of the actors that are 
		nominated and figure out who you are.

				RANCE
		You could.  

				RANCETTE
		And I'd be thrilled to be with any one of them.

				RANCE
		Really, but what if I'm the bald guy nominated?

				RANCETTE
                                   (hesitates)
		Well, I would still go out with you, of course.  Just 
		not kiss you.

				RANCE
		I'm not asking for a kiss.  Just a date.

				RANCETTE
		Uh huh, well I should make it a requirement for 
		you to kiss me if you're any of these other actors.  
		My payment for being your date.

				RANCE
		Nope.  Your "payment" is the enjoyment of the 
		Oscars.  I bet you've never been.

				RANCETTE
		No.  Maybe I'll be a guest this year, but I plan 
		to be nominated in a few years.  And then, maybe I'd 
		invite you.

				RANCE
		See you in a few.

Rancette anxiously awaits by the window, as time for the Oscars draws near.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Who is Rance?
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Rance FAQ
Well, of course, no one knows who Rance is, really. Not even the administrative staff. Wait, the "Administrative Staff" is a pseudonym of Rance's.

But here is a brief description of who/what Rance is, in case you're new to the site.

1. Rance is an A-list Hollywood actor who posts anonymously to Tripod (not because the site is free, but because he can remain anonymous).
2. He is male.
3. He is old (see references to Cary Grant, Marlene Dietrich, March, 2004. August 19th, 2004 he referred to "my zany, younger days" implying he's older now).
4. He is getting sick of blogging, and has claimed to be searching for the "new Rance" to "take over" his blog. He posts less and less.
5. He is looking for potential book deals.
6. He also writes fiction. While not demonstrated on his site for copyright reasons, he claims he wants to have his fiction published.

Of course, I have applied to be the new Rance, as most of you know (and are probably sick of me talking about). Of course, Rance is really picky though, and only likes certain people.

Rance said he wanted a vampire to take over. When vampires applied, he said he didn't like any of the applicants, because they couldn't turn into bats.

Rance sounds like the Hollywood actor who likes to string people around simply for the fun of it... because people are willing to do whatever it takes to please his every whim. Why should I care anyway? I wish I didn't. But I do.

My Dinner With Rance
Topic: Rance & Rancette
The names, restaurant, hair colors, ages, and menu items have been deleted for the privacy of Rance and Rancette.

FADE IN

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT -- EARLY EVENING

RANCETTE mid-[deleted], [deleted] hair is at a lonely table, 
checking her watch every 5 seconds.

JOHN, the young, inexperienced waiter hurries by Rancette's table.

				RANCETTE
		Excuse me, could I have a drink?

				JOHN
		Yes, ma'am.

				RANCETTE
		My date's coming, I swear.

				JOHN
		Yes, ma'am.

				RANCETTE
		Maybe he doesn't exist.

				JOHN
		What do you want to drink?

				RANCETTE
		Could I see a wine list?

				JOHN
		Wait, wait. Did you meet on the Internet?

				RANCETTE
		Yes, but we're in the same industry.

				JOHN
		Oh, the movies I bet!

				RANCETTE
		Yes, actually.

				JOHN
		Oh, right. I bet he said he's some producer, or some 
		actor...  I bet I'll recognize him!

				RANCETTE
		Oh, you will.  I hope you're not some aspiring 
		actor who's going to disturb our dinner, asking 
		questions...

				JOHN
		No, no, no.  I'll be right there with your wine 
		list.

Rancette spots RANCE, a charming man in his mid-[deleted] with wavy [deleted] hair.

				RANCETTE
		Nevermind, John.  I don't feel like drinking now.

John, annoyed, hurries to more important customers.  Rance sits at the empty 
chair across from Rancette.

				RANCE
		May I?

Rancette blushes.

				RANCETTE
		I can't believe this.  You really showed up, Rance.

				RANCE
		Shh!! Shh!! Call me [deleted].  I don't want 
		anyone to suspect I'm Ra-, you know who.

				RANCETTE
		Ok, [deleted].  I still can't believe it.  I'm 
		reeling.

				RANCE
		It's no big deal.

				RANCETTE
		You know it is.  You're loving every minute of  
		your stardom.

				RANCE
		It can get lonely.

				RANCETTE
		Being a writer's a lonelier job.

				RANCE
		Well, I don't know.  Sometimes people are too 
		afraid to approach you, because of your status.  I 
		have teenage girls screaming and clamoring for me, 
		but that isn't satisfying.

Rancette picks up the menu.

				RANCETTE
		What'll you have?

				RANCE
		Well, the [deleted] looks good.

				RANCETTE
		Oh, yes.

				RANCE
		But I don't know.  I think I may have the [deleted].

				RANCETTE
		Why don't you have the [deleted] and I'll have the 
		[deleted] and we can share.

				RANCE
		Don't get the wrong idea.  I'm dating [deleted] 
		right now.

				RANCETTE
		I'm in love with [deleted], with Rance, but not 
		you.

				RANCE
		Don't say my name!!

				RANCETTE
		Oh sorry, someone might figure out who you are.

				RANCE
		Who we are.

				RANCETTE
		I think our waiter would be impressed with you.

				RANCE
		No, look at all the stars, here. There's [deleted]. 
		[deleted] comes here all the time.

				RANCETTE
		[deleted], you have no reason to be humble.  You're 
		a great actor.  Be proud.

				RANCE
		So back to this meeting.  

				RANCETTE
		It's nice to meet you.

				RANCE
		It's nice to meet YOU.  I thought you'd be some 
		crazed fan.

				RANCETTE
		Then why did you agree to meet me?

				RANCE
		I was curious.  And I could always walk out, no?  I 
		thought I'd give you a chance.

				RANCETTE
		I have to say I like risk-takers.

John approaches table.

				JOHN
		What could I getcha?

				RANCE
		I'll have the [deleted] with [deleted] on the 
		side and extra [deleted].

				RANCETTE
		It seems you come here all the time.

				RANCE
		Yes, this is where I take all my dates.

				JOHN
		So you met on the internet, she tells me.

				RANCE
		                 (to Rancette)
		Will you keep your lousy mouth shut?

				RANCETTE
		I'm sorry.  John figured it out.

				JOHN
		Wow, I'd never figure a star like you would scope 
		out chicks in chat rooms late at night.

				RANCE
			        (irritated)
		We didn't meet in a chat room, John.  And if you 
		want the usual extravagant tip, I suggest you get 
		in the kitchen and give the cook our order.

John submissively shuts up and moves on.

				RANCETTE
		I'm sorry, Ra... shoot. I keep calling you, you 
		know...

				RANCE
		That's okay.  This dude is getting suspicious.  I 
		swear.  If he talks this over with the hostess and 
		she tells her girlfriends, someone is bound to  
		figure out who I am.  

				RANCETTE
		Oh please, they couldn't assume who you were, just 
		because you got a date over the Internet.

				RANCE
		Look, this isn't a "date".

				RANCETTE
		I know, I know.  You're dating [deleted].

				RANCE
		Right.  I was simply trying to satisfy my 
		curiousity.

				RANCETTE
		Was it satisfied?

John comes from behind Rancette and holds a knife against her throat 
with his right hand.

				JOHN
		I'm sick of Hollywood stars like you.  You have 
		all this money.  You have all this fame.  You order 
		these pricey dinners and go back to your mansions and 
		sleep soundly.  Well, you should be worrying about 
		the little people, like me.  We do all the slaving
		for you!

Rancette looks pleadingly at Rance.

				RANCE
		John, calm down.

				JOHN
		No, you listen to me, or she gets the cut.

				RANCETTE
		But I'm not even rich!  I just sold my first script.  
		Hopefully, a studio will buy my second one.

				JOHN
		I'm not asking for your money, lady.  I'm asking 
		for [deleted]'s.

				RANCETTE
		But he doesn't have any money.  He already lost it 
		all, paying off...

John releases hold on Rancette.

				JOHN
		I knew it!  I'm rich!  I'm set for life.  I've 
		discovered the identity of Rance.  [deleted], our 
		cook, was right!  You're the anonymous, blogging
		A-list actor who has been paying off people to keep
		your idenity secret.

				RANCE
		Yes, I admit I am Rance.  But I was making up paying 
		off all those people.  I have millions left.  And 
		I will spend all I need to put you in prison, John.

Police arrive and take John away in handcuffs.  The manager, a fat, well-dressed 
man in his mid-[deleted] approaches Rance's table.

				MANAGER
		Please consider this meal on the house.  I am so 
		sorry about the inconvenience.

				RANCE
		Inconvenience?  Inconvenience!  I have kept my  
		identity secret for almost nine months.  [deleted] 
		here opens her trap, saying I paid people off.  John 
		logically figured out who I was.  It's unfortunate 
		it had to end this way.  I was going to reveal my 
		identity eventually.  But it's not the dinner you 
		have ruined.  It is essentially my brilliant scheme, 
		nine months of hard work.

				MANAGER
		I am so sorry, sir.

				RANCE
		I need my time back.  Can you give me my time back?
		Huh?  Can you?

Manager tries to stifle his laugh as BEN AFFLECK (AKA RANCE) tries to relive 
one of his worse films ever.

FADE OUT