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Sunday, 29 August 2004
Get thee to a nunnery! continued
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Sister Joan, Math Teacher at St. Francis Academy, Part II of II

Thursday evening: non-diary entry

Sister Joan bumps into Father Cooper in the Computer Lab. She politely faces him and not his computer, not trying to be nosy by reading his computer screen.

FC: Sister Joan, I hear you're leaving us? Have you always wanted to go to Africa?

Sister Joan breaks down crying.

SJ: I don't want to go to Africa!

FC: You're our most patient teacher. I wish we had more teachers like you. Stay here!

SJ: I can't. Mother Superior said I have to go and that I can't talk to you about it.

FC: Of course you can talk to me about it. I'm sure this is a control issue for Mother Superior and I will do anything in my power to help you.

SJ: Oh, Father Cooper, I should have confessed this to you and not her in the first place. But it's so terrible!

FC: You can tell me.

SJ: I'm madly in love with you!

FC: Sister Joan, do you not remember your vows?

SJ: Yes, I do, but...

Father Cooper looks at the computer screen.

FC: Holy cow! Gigglepriest is here!

SJ: I'm sorry?

Father Cooper points to the computer.

FC: Gigglepriest, my chat-friend.

SJ: Oh, he sounds familiar.

FC: Oh, you chat at the vat too?

Sister Joan has a horrifying revelation. Father Cooper is Rance!!!

SJ: Are you Rance?

FC/RANCE: Don't tell anyone!

SJ: I'll call up the L.A. Times.

FC/RANCE: What do you want? Anything! I'll pay you off.

SJ: Tell Mother Superior not to transfer me to Africa.

FC/RANCE: Whew. I thought you still wanted to run away together.

SJ: There's a good idea! Do you want to?

FC/RANCE: I'm sorry, Sister Joan. I'll twist Mother Superior's arm, so you can stay here.

SJ: No. If you can't return my feelings, I'd rather go to Africa. Now I understand why you haven't been posting to Rance's site, Father Cooper. You were too busy with the opening of the new orphanage this week.

FC/RANCE: Riiiight! Bingo.

Rance tries to log into to denounce any potential rumors that he is a priest. Sister Joan looks at Rance's computer screen, horrified. She forgot to log out the last time.

FC/RANCE: This isn't my site! Who's Rancette? You're Rancette!

SJ: Oh, my goodness, this is too much to handle!

FC/RANCE: Always log out on public computers, honey.

SJ: So you're not Quentin Tarantino?


SJ: And not George Clooney?


SJ: Owen Wilson, Jim Carrey, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon?

FC/RANCE: No, no, no, no!

SJ: What about Keith Thomason?

FC/RANCE: Who's Keith Thomason?

SJ: I'm am saddened by your great lies.

FC/RANCE: What are you talking about? I used to be an actor and I was involved in a few scuffles back in my day. I saw my name in print.

SJ: That explains why you're so handsome.

FC/RANCE: I know about the nuns calling me Gary Cooper behind my back too. And as for you, you're the liar. You aren't a screenwriter. You're holed up at the school all day.

Sister Joan blushes.

SJ: Actually, being in the convent hasn't limited me. I find time to write whenever I can. And yes, I do have an agent and have been working on scripts. This is L.A.! What do you think I've been doing in the Computer Lab?

FC/RANCE: What did you do with the money from the sale of your script!

SJ: I donated it to the building of the orphanage of course! How do you think we got enough money? See, God always provides a way. So you're still up for running away together?

Rance, thunderstruck, begs Mother Superior to transfer crazy Sister Joan to Africa, the heck away from him!

Notes: I forgot to note what segments were fiction. If they are Rance & Rancette stories, chances are they are fiction. I will admit that this story is not true, even though I've always wanted to be a nun. And we all know Rance chats at the Vat! Wait a sec, this story is true!

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:32 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 29 August 2004 7:44 AM PDT
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Saturday, 28 August 2004
Honorary Hero / 2nd email to Q
Not that it means much to be deemed a hero by me, but I'll have to give that honor to Quentin Tarantino.

Just last week I was complaining how no one updates their blog on the weekend. QT updated his blog this weekend. Awesome!

Just for the record, I do believe his blog is real. I think he's really real. He hasn't responded to my email yet (it was probably thrown in the loony pile). Ok, I don't know if Quentin has a loony pile. After all, he's not Rance.

I decided to write him another email. Stacy (his editor) will probably delete it, because maybe she doesn't like the fact that I'm flirting with Q. Oh well, maybe I'll be more discreet about my feelings in the next email.


Have you ever thought about using Faye Dunaway or Jacqueline Bisset in your films? I know Faye Dunaway has a reputation for being difficult. That's why I suggested Jacqueline Bisset for Plan B.

Also Julie Dreyfus is kick-ass. Are you planning to use her again?

Much love,
Rancette, Los Angeles"

Yours Truly, rancette at 3:59 PM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 28 August 2004 5:02 PM PDT
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Get thee to a nunnery!
Topic: Rance & Rancette
From the Diary of Sister Joan, Math Teacher at St. Francis Academy, Part I of II

Tuesday-Mother Superior says I'm doing a good job teaching the kids math. Sister Helen made a catty comment about how only brainiacs teach math. God blessed me with a talent for teaching, and I always liked every subject when I was in school. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Father Cooper is exceedingly handsome. All the sisters call him Gary Cooper behind his back. God please forgive me these evil thoughts I have about him. But I cannot tell him how I feel in confession, because then he would know. Is this wrong? I pray to God it isn't, and confess to God of wanting Father Cooper, instead of confessing to Father Cooper.

Wednesday- I asked Mother Superior for advice. I told her that I felt guilty about not being able to confess to Father Cooper about YOU KNOW WHAT and she said it was ok if I confessed to her instead. Now, Mother Superior is flying off the wall, saying I will probably be transferred to Africa, away from Father Cooper! This is terrible.

Susie's doing so good after I started tutoring her and she was failing before. If Sister Bertha starts teaching math again, Susie will be tossed out on the waves. And oh, how I will miss Father Cooper preaching every Sunday. And I'll miss seeing him in the cafeteria. And in the Computer Lab. And the counseling sessions we had to monitor my progress. He always said the sweetest things like "You're the sister with the most patience" or "I wish we had more teachers like you."

I always dreamed we'd run away together. Of course, that is not possible, because we have both taken vows. I have been forbidden to see Father Cooper, but I wanted to at least confess to him and see if Mother Superior's decision was fair.

Notes from Rancette (sorry I don't have an Administrative Staff): I was going to post this all in one post, but I decided to split it up on the weekend, otherwise there wouldn't be a post on Sunday.


I was going to rip off a quote or something from Reservoir Dogs, but then I forgot what I was going to rip off. I'm still trying to think of it, so here's hoping I figure it out by tomorrow.

The pic is dedicated to Tad Bitter. Yes, it really was that easy! However, I will not post pics all the time.

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:12 AM PDT
Updated: Saturday, 28 August 2004 6:37 AM PDT
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Friday, 27 August 2004
Rance's Vampire Fascination
I have a confession to make:
A month ago, I nearly pretended to be a vampire, so Rance would be interested in having me replace him. But I'm glad I didn't. Because I wouldn't have thought of telling him that I could turn into a bat. Rance wanted a vampire who could turn into a bat. How stupid is that?

But here's the interesting part. About two months ago, I got an idea for a vampire script. Not being goth, I had no idea how to go about it. But I figured, I can do the research, can't I?

So I read a couple Anne Rice novels and watched a couple of her movies, went to New Orleans, interviewed some Goth chicks, read up on Elizabeth (Erzebet) Bathory and Vlad the Impaler (Dracula).

Then I got a call to develop this other idea I had pitched to a studio, a few weeks later. So the vampire idea is on hold for now. But the point is, I was thinking about pretending I was a vampire for Rance, because I had conveniently done all the research anyway. But in all my findings, I never came across a vampire who could turn into a bat. Except maybe the Count from Sesame Street. I don't remember what his deal was.

If I ever get back to this vampire script, yes, I admit I would want Rance to see it. However, I would never make my vampire turn into a bat simply to please him. I REFUSE!

Yours Truly, rancette at 5:37 AM PDT
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Thursday, 26 August 2004
Andy Kaufman Returns
Mood:  hug me
Self-explanatory blog: Andy Kaufman Returns

This one isn't as good as the fake Quentin Tarantino blog. Not that I think Q's blog is fake. That's just what the unbelievers say. And doubt is contagious.

Here's another site that says Kaufman faked his death.

Yours Truly, rancette at 3:53 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 26 August 2004 3:58 PM PDT
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Rance Among Us
Mood:  mischievious
This conversation takes place between Quentin Tarantino, George Clooney, and Orlando Bloom. Adam Sandler makes a guest appearance. Offensive language not used, but you can imagine that it is.

GEORGE: How's it hanging, QT?

QT: Pretty good.

GEORGE: You know, we should start hanging out again.

QT: When did we ever hang out?

GEORGE: You know. On the set From Dusk Till Dawn.

QT: You vampire freak.

GEORGE: I don't care about vampires.

QT: Yeah, you do. I bet you're Rance.

GEORGE: That's a dirty name in Hollywood. I'm not Rance.

ORLANDO: Who's Rance?

George and QT laugh at Orlando's stupidity.

QT: You're in Hollywood, and you don't know who Rance is?

ORLANDO: I'm from England!

GEORGE: Get a life!

QT: You need to read Variety, you punk.

Orlando Bloom starts crying. Adam Sandler chastises George and QT.

ADAM: You guys only know who Rance is, because you've been accused of being Rance.

GEORGE/QT: I'm not Rance!

ADAM: O, Rance is this dude who posts on the internet. He claims to be a Hollywood actor.

ORLANDO: Couldn't be me. I'm from England.

GEORGE: (to Adam) And he could be you, but you don't have enough wit.

ORLANDO (intrigued): So why do they think Quentin is Rance?

ADAM: Well, there's this blog that Quentin started.

QUENTIN: Only I didn't start it.

ADAM: Well, yeah, it's not Quentin's blog. But there's this guy who is pretending to be Quentin.

ORLANDO: For all we know, it could be Quentin?

Quentin slaps Orlando on the back side of his head.

QT: It's not me, dork.

ORLANDO: So how do I know George isn't Rance?

GEORGE: Hey, I'm not Rance. But if it were between Quentin and me, I'd be Rance.

QT: I'm so much wittier than you.

GEORGE: Yeah, but the guy on the fake QT Blog cusses a mile a minute.

QT: So?

GEORGE: Rance doesn't cuss.

QT: So? He's cool. And I am so much cooler than you.

ADAM: Orlando, what are my initials?


ADAM: What are my intitials?


GEORGE: You're not trying to say what I think you're trying to say, Adam?

ADAM: I'm the Administrative Staff.

Orlando has a lost look on his face.

QUENTIN: Why'd you tell him, Adam? You NUT CASE!

GEORGE: Wait, you knew about this Quentin?


GEORGE: And you didn't tell me?

Quentin brushes George away.

QUENTIN: Look, we're not pals OK?

GEORGE: But I really want to be in the Vega Brothers prequel!

QUENTIN: Is that what you're after? Man! You were just chumming up with me to get a role in my movie?


QUENTIN: That is so low.


QUENTIN: Yes, it is.

GEORGE: You could never be Rance.

ADAM: He is.

QUENTIN: Look, you wanted to be in Inglorious B******, Adam. You go around talking about things that shouldn't be talked about, I'll have to reconsider you for the role.

ADAM: Hey, you'd be lucky to have me in your movie!

QUENTIN: Oh, yeah? Why have you been slaving as my Administrative Staff then, Adam? Hadn't you gone too far to turn back now?

GEORGE (to Quentin): You're Rance?

ORLANDO: HUH!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!??

Yours Truly, rancette at 9:37 AM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 26 August 2004 11:50 AM PDT
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Wednesday, 25 August 2004
Rance & Rancette: Rance's Fatal Mistake
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Notes from Rancette (sorry I have no administrative staff):

Annie said in my comments:
"Rance might get jealous if he has some competition."

You know, I should have thought of this sooner, Annie. You're a genius! Instead of moping about, begging Rance to pay me attention, I should devote my blog to other people and he could get jealous. However, I already had this installment of Rance & Rancette written, so going gaga for Quentin will have to wait.



Lavish Hollywood party. PUNCH BOWL BOY (who looks alarmingly like
John, Rance & Rancette's waiter) is serving punch to the guests.

Hi, how are you?

Hands her a cup of punch.

I'm doing good, thanks. I'm *BLEEP*. What's your


Rancette feels a shadowy figure behind her. She turn around to find
George Clooney checking her out.

Hello, beautiful.

George, I always heard of what a ladies man you were,
but I never knew for sure until now.

What are you talking about?

Rancette blushes as George smiles a great big Clooney smile and
looks right in her eyes.

Well, I uh...

They talk for a half hour. Dialogue not posted for spacial limits.

The next day Rancette checks Rance's site as usual. She is
shocked to find his first post in over a week. This post includes all the
details of George & Rancette's conversation from the night before. Worse
yet, George/Rance reveals Rancette's professional name!

Rancette calls up several reporters who worked on reporting the initial
"Who is Rance?" stories. None of them believe that she knows George Clooney
is Rance. Rancette takes matters into her own hands.


Lavish, extravagant Hollywood party. Pink and Britney Spears are
here, among Scarlett Johansson and Jake Gyllenhaal. Rancette is about
to introduce herself to Jake (the moment she has been waiting for
all her life)! But George Clooney is here, she sees, as she
looks past Jake. George Clooney must be dealt with.

(to George)
Why hello, again Clooney. I bet you weren't expecting
to hear from me anytime soon.

(putting on the charm)
Oh, angel lips! Great to see you baby doll.

Cut it out, Rance.

A look of horror crosses George/Rance's face.

Please don't tell anyone.

That depends.

On what?

If you cooperate.

I'm not going to pay you off...

Well, you don't have to. This is just about the right
time for your identity to be revealed anyway.

How did you figure it out? Are you Lora? Robyn?
Waxwing? Is waxwing a girl? A man? Oh my go...

Rancette giggles.

No, I'm not going to reveal my identity. But
let's just say I'm on top of things.

Wait, I know who you are. You're that screenwriter.
You're Rancette!

W-Wait a minute, George.

Two can play this game.

I was kind of ticked off that you used my real
name in your post, Rance.

I'm sorry.

Sorry's too bad. There's only one way out of this
trap, Rance. And guess what the price to pay is?

Rance winces.


You post everyday on your blog, until you want me
to spill your identity to the world.

Simple enough. I can get Rubber Duckie to cover
Mondays and Wednesdays and Gus Openshaw to cover
Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'll do Fridays. Who can
do weekends? You, Rancette??

Although thrilled you finally offered your blog to
me, the answer is no. No guest bloggers.

But that would be impossible! I can't post everyday.
I don't have internet access on weekends!

You're going to have to find a way, Rance. Unless
you want your identity to be revealed to the world.

Rance suddenly starts posting everyday, much to the surprise of his fans.
They all live happily ever after, except Gus Openshaw, Rocky, and
Rubber Duckie, who wonder why they were suddenly cut out of being guest



Yours Truly, rancette at 9:57 AM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:38 AM PDT
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Tuesday, 24 August 2004
Quention Tarantino
Mood:  happy
Dear fellow bloggers/blog-readers,

As you know, I have a thing for celebrities. Today, I discovered Quentin Tarantino's blog. It is supposed to really be Quentin. How cool is that?

Here's the link:
QT's Blog!

All thanks should go to Rancelot, who posted the link on his site. You didn't actually think I was cool enough to discover it myself? Nah, I have cool friends.

I don't know if he'll contact me, but I let him know my feelings for him by e-mail:

"Dear QT,

Sure I love Sophia and all, but can you dump her and marry me? I mean I am so into you. I would understand if you wanted to get to know me. But if you don't, that's OK too.

Just tell me when and where.



PS- It would be too freaky if you invited the actors who massacred the Bride's groom-to-be and friends so please don't invite them."

I have a Rance & Rancette post scheduled for tomorrow. That's why I posted this tonight.

Yours Truly, rancette at 9:31 PM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 25 August 2004 4:14 AM PDT
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W's Identity Continued
Well, I got to thinking that Chloe Sevigny might be interested in emailing Rance. #1 Because she's a ho #2 She was dropped from the William Morris Agency and probably wanted to improve her image or at least get out there. #3 But she has so many movies lined up now*, she probably told Rance, "Look honey, I don't have time".


They I thought of the obvious/not-so-obvious choice: George!

W. Bush that is, not Clooney. At first, Rance may have been trying to be sly, calling George W. Bush: [withheld]. But the real truth came out after shortening his name to "W". He thought with all the anti-Bush tension in the air, he didn't want someone to think he was voting for Bush. Or since "W" is supposed to be female, maybe it's Jenna or Laura Bush. I don't know, though. None of these Bushes can be described as "starlets".


Then, I really got to thinking. It is a very real possibility that Rance is a washed up actor whose identity might be more impressive hidden, than not. He's probably an older gentleman who longs for the days when young starlets used to give him the time of day. And now that they're not... maybe rance created this "W" not for our interest, but his own.


Catherine Zeta-Jones and Nicole Kidman are turning down people left and right. When approached to replace E!'s offer to host a red carpet special (for the Emmys, etc.) they said "No way!" So when Rance got down on his knees and begged Nicole Kidman (Vance the Anti-Rance) and Catherine Z-J to take over, they said, "No way!"

*Melinda and Melinda, 3 Needles, Manderlay, Mrs. Harris, and the new film by Jim Jarmusch

Yours Truly, rancette at 9:25 AM PDT
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Monday, 23 August 2004
Mood:  special
Snarkywood is a cool site. I wish I was Amy.

Also, I've figured it out. "Rance & Rancette" hasn't ended. It's a series. So each time when Rance's identity is revealed, he will be someone new. There are so many people he could be, that it would take awhile to run out of ideas.

Yours Truly, rancette at 3:57 PM PDT
Updated: Monday, 23 August 2004 3:58 PM PDT
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Weekend/ the identity of W questioned
Mood:  accident prone
Why does no one update their blog on the weekends except me? Do people consider blogging a Monday through Friday occurence? Do they want to enjoy their weekends? Does that mean they don't enjoy blogging, so they blog only at work? Does that mean Rance has a 9-5 job where he only has access to the Internet at work? Does that mean Rance isn't the superstar actor he claims to be? Or does that mean he's a has-been with a big ego who is working some menial job now?

Well, Rance posted on the weekend once. That was Saturday, June 26th. But you are able to set the post to appear at a later date. But maybe he did log on that one fateful Saturday.

I'm not just talking about Rance, though. I'm talking about everyone in the Movies community! And everyone in Rance's inner/outer circle. I am wondering what is wrong with me? No, I haven't been to any exciting parties lately. And I have written a break-up letter to my actor-boyfriend telling him why I don't feel comfortable with someone who solicits other girls' phone numbers while I'm right there. RRRrrrr!!!

As for the identity of "W" (rance's shortening of [withheld]'s name), does anybody have any ideas? I mean who would email Rance, say "I don't want to be the new Rance, please withhold my name"? I'll elaborate on this tomorrow unless anyone has any better ideas about who W could be.

Yours Truly, rancette at 9:21 AM PDT
Updated: Monday, 23 August 2004 3:56 PM PDT
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Sunday, 22 August 2004
Rance and Rancette Go To the Oscars
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Part Two of Two

No limo shows up, even an hour past the designated time. Rancette
shows up to the Oscars in a light pink Versace gown. Security
guards take her away, because she has no invitation.

Rancette is sitting in jail, next to crazy lunatics.

(to guard)
Excuse me, could we watch the Oscars?

Ha, looks like you're all dressed up with nowhere
to go.

Well, I was supposed to go to the Oscars with
this actor I met, but he stood me up. He's so high
and mighty. I hope he loses!!!

He's nominated? Where did you meet him?

On the Internet. We were both in the L.A. area so...

So have you ever met him?


Who did he claim to be?

He didn't say. I sent him a picture of me and gave
him my address.

That was really stupid. Hey, I'm glad you're
in jail. He might have tried to break into your
house tonight while you were at the Oscars.

How could he break into my house if he were at the

Dummy. He isn't a Hollywood actor. He lied to you.

But his name is Rance. He's an anonymous poster
on the Internet who...

Holy ****! You don't mean THE Rance? (chuckles)
Boy, he sured pulled one over on you.

Please welcome the presenter for Best Actor...
Renee Zellweger!

Renee Zellweger walks to the podium.

The nominees are as follows... Denzel Washington
for "Manchurian Candidate", Jim Carrey for "Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", Tom Cruise for
"Colla-la-teral", Jude Law for "I Heart Huckabee's"
and Colin Farrell for "At Home at the End of the World".

Camera shows Denzel, trying to keep his cool. It cuts to Jim Carrey, with
pursed lips and a sweating brow. Tom Cruise winces when Renee stumbles over
announcing his movie. Jude Law leans a little too forward in his chair.
He is anxious. Colin Farrell expects to lose and is rolling his eyes.

And the winner is... JIM CARREY! Wow.

Jim Carrey races to the podium, briefly kissing his ex-girlfriend.
He pulls out his list.

I have an important announcement. I would like to
take this opportunity to announce to the world
that I am... Rance! I'd like to thank Waxwing,
Robyn, Rubber Duckie, Gus Openshaw, Shorty, Jay, Lora,
Ginny, Gigglechick, Wheeler Jones, Agent Pepito
and BabyGirlCrow. For all you fools at the Academy,
it's high time someone recognized my genius.

The music starts playing. The camera shows Denzel with a "what the **** look"
on his face. The camera cuts to Colin Farrell, crying.



Yours Truly, rancette at 7:59 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 22 August 2004 4:09 PM PDT
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Friday, 20 August 2004
Rance and Rancette Go to the Oscars
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Part One of Two

Rancette, what are you doing this Sunday?

I'm going to be at home. Eat something
Are you going to watch them?

Well, yeah.

Duh. I can't believe it's this time of year again.
I almost forgot.

Uh huh.

It's always been a dream of mine to win an Oscar.
Maybe someday, right?

Right. Me too.

Say, I know we're not supposed to talk about your
"true identity" Rance, but have you ever been to the

Well, actually, I'm going tonight. I'm nominated.

You're going to BE THERE!?

Yes, I'm nominated.

You ARE!?

Yes, and actually, I'd like it if you'd accompany

I'd LOVE TO! You aren't pulling my leg?

No, I'll have a limo pick you up.

I have the perfect dress. I bought it, and I thought
"this is too extravagant. Where would I ever wear

I think I'd look smart with a screenwriter.
That's why I chose you.

I bet your date canceled at the last moment.

Actually, she did.

I could go down the list of the actors that are
nominated and figure out who you are.

You could.

And I'd be thrilled to be with any one of them.

Really, but what if I'm the bald guy nominated?

Well, I would still go out with you, of course. Just
not kiss you.

I'm not asking for a kiss. Just a date.

Uh huh, well I should make it a requirement for
you to kiss me if you're any of these other actors.
My payment for being your date.

Nope. Your "payment" is the enjoyment of the
Oscars. I bet you've never been.

No. Maybe I'll be a guest this year, but I plan
to be nominated in a few years. And then, maybe I'd
invite you.

See you in a few.

Rancette anxiously awaits by the window, as time for the Oscars draws near.


Yours Truly, rancette at 7:31 AM PDT
Updated: Friday, 20 August 2004 8:46 AM PDT
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Thursday, 19 August 2004
Who is Rance?
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Rance FAQ
Well, of course, no one knows who Rance is, really. Not even the administrative staff. Wait, the "Administrative Staff" is a pseudonym of Rance's.

But here is a brief description of who/what Rance is, in case you're new to the site.

1. Rance is an A-list Hollywood actor who posts anonymously to Tripod (not because the site is free, but because he can remain anonymous).
2. He is male.
3. He is old (see references to Cary Grant, Marlene Dietrich, March, 2004. August 19th, 2004 he referred to "my zany, younger days" implying he's older now).
4. He is getting sick of blogging, and has claimed to be searching for the "new Rance" to "take over" his blog. He posts less and less.
5. He is looking for potential book deals.
6. He also writes fiction. While not demonstrated on his site for copyright reasons, he claims he wants to have his fiction published.

Of course, I have applied to be the new Rance, as most of you know (and are probably sick of me talking about). Of course, Rance is really picky though, and only likes certain people.

Rance said he wanted a vampire to take over. When vampires applied, he said he didn't like any of the applicants, because they couldn't turn into bats.

Rance sounds like the Hollywood actor who likes to string people around simply for the fun of it... because people are willing to do whatever it takes to please his every whim. Why should I care anyway? I wish I didn't. But I do.

Yours Truly, rancette at 3:14 PM PDT
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Wednesday, 18 August 2004
My Dinner With Rance
Topic: Rance & Rancette
The names, restaurant, hair colors, ages, and menu items have been deleted for the privacy of Rance and Rancette.


RANCETTE mid-[deleted], [deleted] hair is at a lonely table,
checking her watch every 5 seconds.

JOHN, the young, inexperienced waiter hurries by Rancette's table.

Excuse me, could I have a drink?

Yes, ma'am.

My date's coming, I swear.

Yes, ma'am.

Maybe he doesn't exist.

What do you want to drink?

Could I see a wine list?

Wait, wait. Did you meet on the Internet?

Yes, but we're in the same industry.

Oh, the movies I bet!

Yes, actually.

Oh, right. I bet he said he's some producer, or some
actor... I bet I'll recognize him!

Oh, you will. I hope you're not some aspiring
actor who's going to disturb our dinner, asking

No, no, no. I'll be right there with your wine

Rancette spots RANCE, a charming man in his mid-[deleted] with wavy [deleted] hair.

Nevermind, John. I don't feel like drinking now.

John, annoyed, hurries to more important customers. Rance sits at the empty
chair across from Rancette.

May I?

Rancette blushes.

I can't believe this. You really showed up, Rance.

Shh!! Shh!! Call me [deleted]. I don't want
anyone to suspect I'm Ra-, you know who.

Ok, [deleted]. I still can't believe it. I'm

It's no big deal.

You know it is. You're loving every minute of
your stardom.

It can get lonely.

Being a writer's a lonelier job.

Well, I don't know. Sometimes people are too
afraid to approach you, because of your status. I
have teenage girls screaming and clamoring for me,
but that isn't satisfying.

Rancette picks up the menu.

What'll you have?

Well, the [deleted] looks good.

Oh, yes.

But I don't know. I think I may have the [deleted].

Why don't you have the [deleted] and I'll have the
[deleted] and we can share.

Don't get the wrong idea. I'm dating [deleted]
right now.

I'm in love with [deleted], with Rance, but not

Don't say my name!!

Oh sorry, someone might figure out who you are.

Who we are.

I think our waiter would be impressed with you.

No, look at all the stars, here. There's [deleted].
[deleted] comes here all the time.

[deleted], you have no reason to be humble. You're
a great actor. Be proud.

So back to this meeting.

It's nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet YOU. I thought you'd be some
crazed fan.

Then why did you agree to meet me?

I was curious. And I could always walk out, no? I
thought I'd give you a chance.

I have to say I like risk-takers.

John approaches table.

What could I getcha?

I'll have the [deleted] with [deleted] on the
side and extra [deleted].

It seems you come here all the time.

Yes, this is where I take all my dates.

So you met on the internet, she tells me.

(to Rancette)
Will you keep your lousy mouth shut?

I'm sorry. John figured it out.

Wow, I'd never figure a star like you would scope
out chicks in chat rooms late at night.

We didn't meet in a chat room, John. And if you
want the usual extravagant tip, I suggest you get
in the kitchen and give the cook our order.

John submissively shuts up and moves on.

I'm sorry, Ra... shoot. I keep calling you, you

That's okay. This dude is getting suspicious. I
swear. If he talks this over with the hostess and
she tells her girlfriends, someone is bound to
figure out who I am.

Oh please, they couldn't assume who you were, just
because you got a date over the Internet.

Look, this isn't a "date".

I know, I know. You're dating [deleted].

Right. I was simply trying to satisfy my

Was it satisfied?

John comes from behind Rancette and holds a knife against her throat
with his right hand.

I'm sick of Hollywood stars like you. You have
all this money. You have all this fame. You order
these pricey dinners and go back to your mansions and
sleep soundly. Well, you should be worrying about
the little people, like me. We do all the slaving
for you!

Rancette looks pleadingly at Rance.

John, calm down.

No, you listen to me, or she gets the cut.

But I'm not even rich! I just sold my first script.
Hopefully, a studio will buy my second one.

I'm not asking for your money, lady. I'm asking
for [deleted]'s.

But he doesn't have any money. He already lost it
all, paying off...

John releases hold on Rancette.

I knew it! I'm rich! I'm set for life. I've
discovered the identity of Rance. [deleted], our
cook, was right! You're the anonymous, blogging
A-list actor who has been paying off people to keep
your idenity secret.

Yes, I admit I am Rance. But I was making up paying
off all those people. I have millions left. And
I will spend all I need to put you in prison, John.

Police arrive and take John away in handcuffs. The manager, a fat, well-dressed
man in his mid-[deleted] approaches Rance's table.

Please consider this meal on the house. I am so
sorry about the inconvenience.

Inconvenience? Inconvenience! I have kept my
identity secret for almost nine months. [deleted]
here opens her trap, saying I paid people off. John
logically figured out who I was. It's unfortunate
it had to end this way. I was going to reveal my
identity eventually. But it's not the dinner you
have ruined. It is essentially my brilliant scheme,
nine months of hard work.

I am so sorry, sir.

I need my time back. Can you give me my time back?
Huh? Can you?

Manager tries to stifle his laugh as BEN AFFLECK (AKA RANCE) tries to relive
one of his worse films ever.


Yours Truly, rancette at 1:36 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 19 August 2004 9:31 AM PDT
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