Make your own free website on Tripod.com
Blog Tools
Edit your Blog
Build a Blog
RSS Feed
View Profile
22 Nov, 04 > 28 Nov, 04
15 Nov, 04 > 21 Nov, 04
8 Nov, 04 > 14 Nov, 04
1 Nov, 04 > 7 Nov, 04
25 Oct, 04 > 31 Oct, 04
18 Oct, 04 > 24 Oct, 04
11 Oct, 04 > 17 Oct, 04
4 Oct, 04 > 10 Oct, 04
27 Sep, 04 > 3 Oct, 04
20 Sep, 04 > 26 Sep, 04
13 Sep, 04 > 19 Sep, 04
6 Sep, 04 > 12 Sep, 04
30 Aug, 04 > 5 Sep, 04
23 Aug, 04 > 29 Aug, 04
16 Aug, 04 > 22 Aug, 04
9 Aug, 04 > 15 Aug, 04
2 Aug, 04 > 8 Aug, 04
12 Jul, 04 > 18 Jul, 04
26 Jan, 04 > 1 Feb, 04
Entries by Topic
All topics  «
Agent Rancette
Posts on Rance's Blog
Rance & Rancette
Rance FAQ
Mindsay
Me @Mindsay
Good Blogs I've Read
Dizzy Girl
Rancette's Movie Blog
Sunday, 22 August 2004
Rance and Rancette Go To the Oscars
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Part Two of Two

No limo shows up, even an hour past the designated time. Rancette
shows up to the Oscars in a light pink Versace gown. Security
guards take her away, because she has no invitation.

Rancette is sitting in jail, next to crazy lunatics.

RANCETTE
(to guard)
Excuse me, could we watch the Oscars?

GUARD
Ha, looks like you're all dressed up with nowhere
to go.

RANCETTE
Well, I was supposed to go to the Oscars with
this actor I met, but he stood me up. He's so high
and mighty. I hope he loses!!!

GUARD
He's nominated? Where did you meet him?

RANCETTE
On the Internet. We were both in the L.A. area so...

GUARD
So have you ever met him?

RANCETTE
No.

GUARD
Who did he claim to be?

RANCETTE
He didn't say. I sent him a picture of me and gave
him my address.

GUARD
That was really stupid. Hey, I'm glad you're
in jail. He might have tried to break into your
house tonight while you were at the Oscars.

RANCETTE
How could he break into my house if he were at the
Oscars?

GUARD
Dummy. He isn't a Hollywood actor. He lied to you.

RANCETTE
But his name is Rance. He's an anonymous poster
on the Internet who...

GUARD
Holy ****! You don't mean THE Rance? (chuckles)
Boy, he sured pulled one over on you.

ANNOUNCER ON TV (O.C.)
Please welcome the presenter for Best Actor...
Renee Zellweger!

Renee Zellweger walks to the podium.

RENEE (V.O.)
The nominees are as follows... Denzel Washington
for "Manchurian Candidate", Jim Carrey for "Eternal
Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", Tom Cruise for
"Colla-la-teral", Jude Law for "I Heart Huckabee's"
and Colin Farrell for "At Home at the End of the World".

Camera shows Denzel, trying to keep his cool. It cuts to Jim Carrey, with
pursed lips and a sweating brow. Tom Cruise winces when Renee stumbles over
announcing his movie. Jude Law leans a little too forward in his chair.
He is anxious. Colin Farrell expects to lose and is rolling his eyes.

RENEE
And the winner is... JIM CARREY! Wow.

Jim Carrey races to the podium, briefly kissing his ex-girlfriend.
He pulls out his list.

JIM CARREY
I have an important announcement. I would like to
take this opportunity to announce to the world
that I am... Rance! I'd like to thank Waxwing,
Robyn, Rubber Duckie, Gus Openshaw, Shorty, Jay, Lora,
Ginny, Gigglechick, Wheeler Jones, Agent Pepito
and BabyGirlCrow. For all you fools at the Academy,
it's high time someone recognized my genius.

The music starts playing. The camera shows Denzel with a "what the **** look"
on his face. The camera cuts to Colin Farrell, crying.

FADE OUT



THE END

Yours Truly, rancette at 7:59 AM PDT
Updated: Sunday, 22 August 2004 4:09 PM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (4) | Permalink
Friday, 20 August 2004
Rance and Rancette Go to the Oscars
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Part One of Two


RANCE
Rancette, what are you doing this Sunday?

RANCETTE
I'm going to be at home. Eat something
fattening. OH MY GOSH THE OSCARS ARE THIS SUNDAY!?
Are you going to watch them?

RANCE
Well, yeah.

RANCETTE
Duh. I can't believe it's this time of year again.
I almost forgot.

RANCE
Uh huh.

RANCETTE
It's always been a dream of mine to win an Oscar.
Maybe someday, right?

RANCE
Right. Me too.

RANCETTE
Say, I know we're not supposed to talk about your
"true identity" Rance, but have you ever been to the
Oscars?

RANCE
Well, actually, I'm going tonight. I'm nominated.

RANCETTE
You're going to BE THERE!?

RANCE
Yes, I'm nominated.

RANCETTE
You ARE!?

RANCE
Yes, and actually, I'd like it if you'd accompany
me.

RANCETTE
I'd LOVE TO! You aren't pulling my leg?

RANCE
No, I'll have a limo pick you up.

RANCETTE
I have the perfect dress. I bought it, and I thought
"this is too extravagant. Where would I ever wear
this?"

RANCE
I think I'd look smart with a screenwriter.
That's why I chose you.

RANCETTE
I bet your date canceled at the last moment.

RANCE
Actually, she did.

RANCETTE
I could go down the list of the actors that are
nominated and figure out who you are.

RANCE
You could.

RANCETTE
And I'd be thrilled to be with any one of them.

RANCE
Really, but what if I'm the bald guy nominated?

RANCETTE
(hesitates)
Well, I would still go out with you, of course. Just
not kiss you.

RANCE
I'm not asking for a kiss. Just a date.

RANCETTE
Uh huh, well I should make it a requirement for
you to kiss me if you're any of these other actors.
My payment for being your date.

RANCE
Nope. Your "payment" is the enjoyment of the
Oscars. I bet you've never been.

RANCETTE
No. Maybe I'll be a guest this year, but I plan
to be nominated in a few years. And then, maybe I'd
invite you.

RANCE
See you in a few.

Rancette anxiously awaits by the window, as time for the Oscars draws near.



TO BE CONTINUED...

Yours Truly, rancette at 7:31 AM PDT
Updated: Friday, 20 August 2004 8:46 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink
Thursday, 19 August 2004
Who is Rance?
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Rance FAQ
Well, of course, no one knows who Rance is, really. Not even the administrative staff. Wait, the "Administrative Staff" is a pseudonym of Rance's.

But here is a brief description of who/what Rance is, in case you're new to the site.

1. Rance is an A-list Hollywood actor who posts anonymously to Tripod (not because the site is free, but because he can remain anonymous).
2. He is male.
3. He is old (see references to Cary Grant, Marlene Dietrich, March, 2004. August 19th, 2004 he referred to "my zany, younger days" implying he's older now).
4. He is getting sick of blogging, and has claimed to be searching for the "new Rance" to "take over" his blog. He posts less and less.
5. He is looking for potential book deals.
6. He also writes fiction. While not demonstrated on his site for copyright reasons, he claims he wants to have his fiction published.

Of course, I have applied to be the new Rance, as most of you know (and are probably sick of me talking about). Of course, Rance is really picky though, and only likes certain people.

Rance said he wanted a vampire to take over. When vampires applied, he said he didn't like any of the applicants, because they couldn't turn into bats.

Rance sounds like the Hollywood actor who likes to string people around simply for the fun of it... because people are willing to do whatever it takes to please his every whim. Why should I care anyway? I wish I didn't. But I do.

Yours Truly, rancette at 3:14 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink
Wednesday, 18 August 2004
My Dinner With Rance
Topic: Rance & Rancette
The names, restaurant, hair colors, ages, and menu items have been deleted for the privacy of Rance and Rancette.
FADE IN

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT -- EARLY EVENING

RANCETTE mid-[deleted], [deleted] hair is at a lonely table,
checking her watch every 5 seconds.

JOHN, the young, inexperienced waiter hurries by Rancette's table.

RANCETTE
Excuse me, could I have a drink?

JOHN
Yes, ma'am.

RANCETTE
My date's coming, I swear.

JOHN
Yes, ma'am.

RANCETTE
Maybe he doesn't exist.

JOHN
What do you want to drink?

RANCETTE
Could I see a wine list?

JOHN
Wait, wait. Did you meet on the Internet?

RANCETTE
Yes, but we're in the same industry.

JOHN
Oh, the movies I bet!

RANCETTE
Yes, actually.

JOHN
Oh, right. I bet he said he's some producer, or some
actor... I bet I'll recognize him!

RANCETTE
Oh, you will. I hope you're not some aspiring
actor who's going to disturb our dinner, asking
questions...

JOHN
No, no, no. I'll be right there with your wine
list.

Rancette spots RANCE, a charming man in his mid-[deleted] with wavy [deleted] hair.

RANCETTE
Nevermind, John. I don't feel like drinking now.

John, annoyed, hurries to more important customers. Rance sits at the empty
chair across from Rancette.

RANCE
May I?

Rancette blushes.

RANCETTE
I can't believe this. You really showed up, Rance.

RANCE
Shh!! Shh!! Call me [deleted]. I don't want
anyone to suspect I'm Ra-, you know who.

RANCETTE
Ok, [deleted]. I still can't believe it. I'm
reeling.

RANCE
It's no big deal.

RANCETTE
You know it is. You're loving every minute of
your stardom.

RANCE
It can get lonely.

RANCETTE
Being a writer's a lonelier job.

RANCE
Well, I don't know. Sometimes people are too
afraid to approach you, because of your status. I
have teenage girls screaming and clamoring for me,
but that isn't satisfying.

Rancette picks up the menu.

RANCETTE
What'll you have?

RANCE
Well, the [deleted] looks good.

RANCETTE
Oh, yes.

RANCE
But I don't know. I think I may have the [deleted].

RANCETTE
Why don't you have the [deleted] and I'll have the
[deleted] and we can share.

RANCE
Don't get the wrong idea. I'm dating [deleted]
right now.

RANCETTE
I'm in love with [deleted], with Rance, but not
you.

RANCE
Don't say my name!!

RANCETTE
Oh sorry, someone might figure out who you are.

RANCE
Who we are.

RANCETTE
I think our waiter would be impressed with you.

RANCE
No, look at all the stars, here. There's [deleted].
[deleted] comes here all the time.

RANCETTE
[deleted], you have no reason to be humble. You're
a great actor. Be proud.

RANCE
So back to this meeting.

RANCETTE
It's nice to meet you.

RANCE
It's nice to meet YOU. I thought you'd be some
crazed fan.

RANCETTE
Then why did you agree to meet me?

RANCE
I was curious. And I could always walk out, no? I
thought I'd give you a chance.

RANCETTE
I have to say I like risk-takers.

John approaches table.

JOHN
What could I getcha?

RANCE
I'll have the [deleted] with [deleted] on the
side and extra [deleted].

RANCETTE
It seems you come here all the time.

RANCE
Yes, this is where I take all my dates.

JOHN
So you met on the internet, she tells me.

RANCE
(to Rancette)
Will you keep your lousy mouth shut?

RANCETTE
I'm sorry. John figured it out.

JOHN
Wow, I'd never figure a star like you would scope
out chicks in chat rooms late at night.

RANCE
(irritated)
We didn't meet in a chat room, John. And if you
want the usual extravagant tip, I suggest you get
in the kitchen and give the cook our order.

John submissively shuts up and moves on.

RANCETTE
I'm sorry, Ra... shoot. I keep calling you, you
know...

RANCE
That's okay. This dude is getting suspicious. I
swear. If he talks this over with the hostess and
she tells her girlfriends, someone is bound to
figure out who I am.

RANCETTE
Oh please, they couldn't assume who you were, just
because you got a date over the Internet.

RANCE
Look, this isn't a "date".

RANCETTE
I know, I know. You're dating [deleted].

RANCE
Right. I was simply trying to satisfy my
curiousity.

RANCETTE
Was it satisfied?

John comes from behind Rancette and holds a knife against her throat
with his right hand.

JOHN
I'm sick of Hollywood stars like you. You have
all this money. You have all this fame. You order
these pricey dinners and go back to your mansions and
sleep soundly. Well, you should be worrying about
the little people, like me. We do all the slaving
for you!

Rancette looks pleadingly at Rance.

RANCE
John, calm down.

JOHN
No, you listen to me, or she gets the cut.

RANCETTE
But I'm not even rich! I just sold my first script.
Hopefully, a studio will buy my second one.

JOHN
I'm not asking for your money, lady. I'm asking
for [deleted]'s.

RANCETTE
But he doesn't have any money. He already lost it
all, paying off...

John releases hold on Rancette.

JOHN
I knew it! I'm rich! I'm set for life. I've
discovered the identity of Rance. [deleted], our
cook, was right! You're the anonymous, blogging
A-list actor who has been paying off people to keep
your idenity secret.

RANCE
Yes, I admit I am Rance. But I was making up paying
off all those people. I have millions left. And
I will spend all I need to put you in prison, John.

Police arrive and take John away in handcuffs. The manager, a fat, well-dressed
man in his mid-[deleted] approaches Rance's table.

MANAGER
Please consider this meal on the house. I am so
sorry about the inconvenience.

RANCE
Inconvenience? Inconvenience! I have kept my
identity secret for almost nine months. [deleted]
here opens her trap, saying I paid people off. John
logically figured out who I was. It's unfortunate
it had to end this way. I was going to reveal my
identity eventually. But it's not the dinner you
have ruined. It is essentially my brilliant scheme,
nine months of hard work.

MANAGER
I am so sorry, sir.

RANCE
I need my time back. Can you give me my time back?
Huh? Can you?

Manager tries to stifle his laugh as BEN AFFLECK (AKA RANCE) tries to relive
one of his worse films ever.

FADE OUT

Yours Truly, rancette at 1:36 PM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 19 August 2004 9:31 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink
Tuesday, 17 August 2004
Rance is Real!
He's like a magician. He does his disappearing act. Just because we don't know who he is doesn't mean he doesn't exist. He does!

Maybe I should take this opportunity to explain who rance is. No, you can figure it out. I'll save that explanation for a rainy day.

I just wanted to let you know that I had a great idea! You know the movie "My Dinner With Andre"? Well, how about "My Dinner with Rance"? Yes!

I'm going to work on it all day today (after I finish working on the outline for my new script). Tomorrow, I plan to unveil it.

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:24 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 18 August 2004 5:30 AM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink
Monday, 16 August 2004
Another day in the Life!
Mood:  hungry
I was much relieved to find out that Scarlett Johansson is dating Jared Leto, and is no threat to Jake Gyllenhaal & me. However, I should have known that Hollywood romances don't really last that long anyway. I should have jumped at the chance of being at the same party as Jake, but that is history. Maybe our paths will cross again if it's meant to be. Rancette Gyllenhaal: My agent would looooove that.

On to other news... I came across a blog with an interesting name. Usually I will only check blogs with interesting names out:
Crouching Tiger, Growling Stomach

Is that interesting enough? I thought so. I thought her movie reviews for the end of summer were so great that I posted to her site. Then, she writes a whole entry (august 16th) on rance and me, saying she spent over three hours reading our sites (particularly rance's)!! It's so wonderful when someone hears about rance for the first time. They just pass their joy on.

This girl cracks me up. Especially her posts to movies are entertaining. I'd check it out.

And on another note, my new script is finished, but my agent says I killed too many people in it. I don't really care, but I'm going to see if I need to clean it up or if I should hold out because I believe in the script.

I don't know, but by the time I'm finished with a script, so much is taken out of me. I'm like, just take it! Do what you want with it! Only don't make me revise. I don't know. We'll see.

Yours Truly, rancette at 2:04 PM PDT
Updated: Monday, 16 August 2004 2:23 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink
Sunday, 15 August 2004
Rance & Rancette Part Six
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Help me celebrate my one month anniversay of blogging!

I made sure the next installment of Rance & Rancette was available for this special occasion. Thank you for joining me.


RANCETTE
What about all those posts about all those different
places you were visiting? You were too old and
decrepit to travel in your condition, Marlon.
Ha, ha, gotcha now!


RANCE
Rancette, those were memories from my younger days.
Everything I write really happened, but it was a
really long time ago.

RANCETTE
Hmm, so everyone has been obsessed over a has-been
Hollywood star and events that happened 30 years
ago or more.

RANCE
Some consider me to be the greatest actor of all time.

RANCETTE
You were in a few good films. But Streetcar Named
Desire ranks as one of the most tragic excuses
for a film in my book. Vivan Leigh's southern
accent is deplorable!

RANCE
But I was wonderful in On the Waterfront.

RANCETTE
Yes...

RANCE
And the Godfather!

RANCETTE
Oh yes!

RANCE
And admit my chest was in very good shape in Streetcar
Named Desire, even if the film is overrated, if I
do say so myself.

RANCETTE
Oh yes, you were absolutely hotstuff! Even if you
aged really badly.

RANCE
Hold on for a second, Rancette. [withheld] is
IMing me.

Rance returns to Internet conversation 6 minutes later.

RANCE
(cont'd)
Back.

RANCETTE
[withheld] is IMing you! This really doesn't
make any sense, Rance.

RANCE
Why not, Rancette?

RANCETTE
Well, for one thing [withheld] was created after
you claimed the administrative staff took over. How
could you get [withheld]'s screenname if [withheld]'s
name was withheld?

RANCE
Well, uh, um...

RANCETTE (V.O.)
Ha, ha! Rance is now stripped of his power. He
can't even pretend that he is in control of the
blogging world. This is a sad day for bloggers
everywhere and for Hollywood.

Rance logs off, never to be seen or heard from again.



FADE OUT

Yours Truly, rancette at 5:17 AM PDT
Updated: Thursday, 19 August 2004 9:42 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (6) | Permalink
Friday, 13 August 2004
Beware!
Mood:  hug me
Today is Friday the 13th! The ides of August!

All day I've had the feeling something bad is going to happen...

But nothing has yet. What I love about Fridays is the weekend love forecast that the L.A. Times horoscope has. Check it out here:
Horoscopes

I'm not superstitious (OK, a little), but here is a great article about why people think Friday the 13th is unlucky:
Friday the 13th article

OK, I will admit when I started writing the Rance dialogue, I had no idea where it was going. I didn't write an outline, because I thought it was going to be a one-time deal. But then I kept writing TO BE CONTINUED...

So please forgive me if it seems like it's going nowhere, because it is. I will try to find a nice way to wrap it up. Maybe with one of us dying or maybe [withheld] being introduced as a character (I think [withheld] is a figment of rance's imagination anyway). It depends on my imagination and it depends on rance's comments on his website. I just have to figure out where this is all going.

In personal news, my little twinkling star boyfriend seems to be a little bit of a player. If he were Mr. Normal, he would have been out-the-door a long time ago. So maybe I'll make Friday, the 13th an unlucky day for him and drop the bomb on him and dump him. Wish me luck.

Yours Truly, rancette at 1:26 PM PDT
Updated: Friday, 13 August 2004 1:26 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink
Thursday, 12 August 2004
5th post to rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Note from rancette (sorry I have no administrative staff):

Yes, I know Rance changed his archive format from List format to Calendar format. But it's really annoying. I'm not going to change, just because he did!

The fifth installment of Rance & Rancette is on its way. I have to go through the revising stage now.

I had a date last night with the Hollywood actor I have mentioned before. He introduced me to a Kabbalah recruiter named Isis. Whether the heck that was her name or not (I don't think it was), he had the guts to say to her that I thought Kabbalah was mish-mash (repeating what I had said earlier). I really wanted to dump the sucker, but he is a Hollywood star for goodness sakes (if only a little twinkling one). Someone out there encourage me to dump him please!

My fifth post to rance's site is in regard's to voy's August 11th post. This person was trying to say that he applauds rance for "bowing out" gracefully:

I always thought rance's claim to wanting to leave was a little fishy. Like Elton John's "Farewell Tour". Elton wasn't really planning to leave us, he just wanted to make a few extra bucks. rance is probably just trying to keep our interest by planning to leave. He wants to hear "No, rance, don't go!" As he reads over the comments begging him not to leave, he will probably decide, "I like being the most famous unknown blogger after all!"

Yours Truly, rancette at 12:01 AM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:44 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (7) | Permalink
Wednesday, 11 August 2004
Rance and Rancette Part V
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Please read Rance & Rancette Part IV, before reading this one. There are spoilers. Rance's identity was revealed last time.

So, I thought about talking to my agent about a Rance & Rancette script, based on postings to my blog. But that wouldn't work, because:

I do this for the love of it and am not trying to make money (don't tell my agent!!)

My (new) agent doesn't know I'm Rancette.

Even though Marlon Brando had millions of fans, Rance only has thousands, and the movie might not break even.

I hope you enjoy this installment. Keep in mind it's fiction. So without further adieu...

RANCE & RANCETTE PART V
by Rancette

RANCETTE
Well, I have an open mind. I believe in
communicating beyond the grave.

RANCE
I mean, technology is so great! It's so simple
for dead people to send messages these days.
John Lennon could communicate with Yoko now, but
he's not Internet savvy!

RANCETTE
So what would you like me to do, Rance? Marlon?
What should I call you?

RANCE
Anything you please.

RANCETTE
I didn't know they had computers in hell?

RANCE
I never said I was in hell, you *#&@^!

RANCETTE
Well, I figured they used the term "gone
fishing" a little liberally, anyhow. Where
are you?

RANCE
I'm not at liberty to say. But rest assured, it's
somewhere where I'm able to communicate.

RANCETTE
Wait, a second. You said you found out from your
"administrative staff" that I sent you a picture of
Karen O., instead of me. There's no "adminis-
trative" staff.

RANCE
Well, I wasn't intending to reveal my identity, Ran-
cette. I had to tell you something you would believe.
Would you actually believe that a spirit of a 19
year old girl who died in a car crash told me
that? No, I don't think so.

RANCETTE
I see, so you're trapped in some sort of "spirit"
world. I'm sorry, but I still think you're in hell.

RANCE
You're really ticking me off, Rancette. There
are only so many people who I can talk to, now that
I'm dead.

RANCETTE
My apologies. This is kinda cool. You know if this
were a movie, it'd be the Sixth Sense.

RANCE
Yeah, I auditioned for that movie. But M. Night said
"No way would Olivia Williams be with a disgusting
old guy like you." I think Olivia is hot and I've
always regretting not working with her...

RANCETTE
Gross, Rance! TMI! Wait a second, who are you really?
I have to be naive thinking that I'm chatting with
Marlon Brando, first of all. A dead person. Maybe I
could handle that. But certain things just don't
fit.

RANCE
Like what?

RANCETTE
Rance liked to hang out in the Vatican chat room
and Marlon Brando was an athiest.

RANCE
Just because I'm an athiest doesn't mean that I don't
enjoy chatting with the Vatican.

RANCETTE
Well, it seemed unlikely. What about all those
posts about all those different places you were
visiting? You were too old and decrepit to
travel in your condition, Marlon. Ha, ha, gotcha now!



TO BE CONTINUED...

Yours Truly, rancette at 10:30 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 11 August 2004 10:01 PM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink
Rance & Rancette part IV
Mood:  suave
Topic: Rance & Rancette
This post is dedicated to Lora.

The rest of this post is fiction.

RANCE
Like I said before, I'm not Ben Affleck.

Rancette takes another look at the JPEG.

RANCETTE
I can see that!

RANCE
Wait, a member of my administrative staff just told
me that's not your pic that you sent me. It's Karen
O. Who's she?

RANCETTE
Ha, do you think I'd actually show you a real pic
of me? I figured you would know nothing about
punk rock music and would never figure out that
it wasn't me in the picture. But I don't think that
you're Marlon Brando either.

RANCE
I didn't think that you'd believe me. But it's true...

RANCETTE
No!

RANCE
That's right sweetheart, I am Marlon Brando!

RANCETTE
There's so many questions I'd like to ask you Mr.
Brando, but I'm actually more interested in
your rance character. I'd like to ask him questions
first.

RANCE
It's not like I have different personalities.
Ask any questions you want sweetheart.

RANCETTE
Well, it would make sense that you were Marlon
Brando. We haven't seen hide nor hair from you in
awhile. About two weeks after Marlon Brando
died in fact. That would give the administrative
staff enough time to filter through your draft
entries and figure out what the heck they were going
to do. One brilliant intern from USC figured out
that they should hold a "who wants to be the next
Rance" contest.

RANCE
You're catching on sweetheart. Only the intern was
from UCLA. Meanwhile, Jack Nicholson fore-
closed on my house (I never wanted that bastard to
buy my house. I should have written that in my will).
They had to find out where to set up the new HQ, so
it took a few days/weeks before the administrative
staff could post again.

RANCETTE
Wow, Marlon. It's not you who's infatuated with
Rubber Duckie, it's the Admin!

RANCE
Quite right, Rancette. They're turning my blog
into a desecration. I'm the only one who had any-
thing interesting to say. And they spelled Rubber
"Ducky" wrong. I'm no idiot! I know how to spell
*$#@ing "Duckie".

RANCETTE
I noticed that, too.

RANCE
You have a sharp eye. I tried to email them from
you know where, Rancette, but they haven't responded
to any of my frantic emails. If it were a movie, I'd
call it "The Captain Hoof Mutiny."

RANCETTE
Well, I have an open mind. I believe in
communicating beyond the grave.



TO BE CONTINUED...

Yours Truly, rancette at 4:31 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 11 August 2004 10:23 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink
Tuesday, 10 August 2004
Kevin
Mood:  spacey
I have always wanted to write a Kevin Spacey post, but never had enough reason. But someone named John emailed me and asked me why I hadn't mentioned one of the greatest films ever, "American Beauty". And I said:


I'll tell you my American Beauty story (BTW, I love Kevin Spacey. I want to marry him).

Years ago, my mom and I were making conversation before this concert we went to. And I happen to mention that week I saw "A Time to Kill" and I said, "You know, it's with Sandra Bullock, Kevin Spacey, etc."

And she goes, "You haven't seen that American Beauty film? That's an awful, disgusting film."

And I thought about lying, because my parents are against the kind of stuff that is in that movie: murder, adultery, sodomy (kind of), masturbation (the kinds of things that make movies). But I boldly said, "Yes, I have seen it."

And she lectured me about how bad Kevin Spacey was. And then the very next weekend, she invites me home to watch "The Usual Suspects" with the fam.


Other to die for Kevin Spacey movies include: K-Pax and Pay it Forward. Kevin Spacey is a dream. It's too bad he moved to England just as I was moving to L.A., otherwise I'd be tempted to stalk him or at least attend the same parties as he did, so I could be the future Mrs. Rancette Spacey. Maybe I would keep my maiden name, because by that time I'm sure I would have become a recognizable screenwriter, at least by the industry.

I have to admit I was disappointed that I couldn't attend this one party recently. Jake Gyllenhaal was supposed to be there, but I had already made plans. But then I found out that Scarlett Johansson was dating him anyway and I wouldn't have had a chance even if I HAD gone.

I don't know, maybe Jake would have been mesmerized by Rancette's charm. Ha, I don't think so. Besides, would I really want to be with him after he's been with Kirsten Dunst!? Probably NOT!

Yours Truly, rancette at 4:03 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 10 August 2004 4:08 PM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (2) | Permalink
rance & rancette part III
Topic: Rance & Rancette
You know, I would have found it hard to sleep if I had known that I would have had 2 comments waiting to be moderated.

But now for what you've all been waiting for: "rance & rancette part 3". Once again I warn you, for my sake and your own, this is fiction!!!



RANCE
Rancette, I'd like to meet you some time.

RANCETTE
Why, so you could take care of me the cheap way?
Stick a knife in my back?

RANCE
No, Rancette. See, I'm this old dude, but you're
impressed with who I am, are you not?

RANCETTE
Well, kind of. In a sick way. I'm just a crazed
fan who would be privileged to go out with any
second-rate actor. But you! I never would have
imagined you'd ask!

RANCE
Rancette, there are people who think I'm second-rate!

Rancette GASPS.

RANCETTE
No!

RANCE
All the reviews, all the message boards on the
Internet, all the death threats I've received...

RANCETTE
My goodness, Rance, you're so whiny and sneaky and
vile... You're so dependent on the attention you get
from the press and your fans and your movie-star
girlfriends that I would have guessed that you
were Ben Affleck!

RANCE
How dare you say that, Rancette! I'm not half the
nincompoop that Ben Affleck is! Besides I don't
talk about my love life on my blog.

RANCETTE
It would be very interesting to read about it. Oh wait,
we already read it in the tabloids!!

RANCE
I respect their privacy.

RANCETTE
"Their" privacy? I get the impression there's
quite a few girls you have on your arm. Not
mentioning them, so they won't find out about each
other, huh!

RANCE
So how about letting me buy you a drink, huh? We
could meet at [restaurant deleted for rance and
rancette's privacy].

RANCETTE
That sounds wonderful Rance, but as I already
mentioned, I'm dating this "younger" actor right now.
But you wouldn't know that, cause you don't read my
blog.

RANCE
Ha, there IS no Hollywood actor! I bet you're making
him up.

RANCETTE
Well, if there isn't, at least I have an "older"
Hollywood actor hitting on me. They're coming
from all directions now, aren't they? They want
Rancette. Well, listen here mister, I'm saying "no."
Can you handle rejection?

RANCE
Like I said before, I'm not Ben Affleck.



TO BE CONTINUED...

Yours Truly, rancette at 6:37 AM PDT
Updated: Wednesday, 11 August 2004 4:08 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink
Monday, 9 August 2004
4th post to Rance's site / King Kong release dates
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
First things first. Per imdb.com, King Kong is set to be released in the USA just in time for Christmas: December 14th, 2005. Great, cause that's just what I asked Santa for. This is also the day Fay Wray would have turned 100. Just kidding.

Ok, so I finally confessed all to rance. I held back as long as I could. And the dam broke:

"Dear rance,

I'm getting kind of sick of your guest-bloggists and your administrative staff notes. I'm telling you this, cause it's nice to hear straight from you. Check out my blog, because you'll see the lengths I went through to "hear" from you. I even made up a conversation or two between us, and even managed to keep your identity a secret!

Anyway, ciao for now, and PLEASE update us on your personal life or at least pick a permanent replacement."

Of course, I am working on a third installment of our conversation, and his identity is coming really close to being revealed. Stay tuned, because I'll probably post it after I get some shut eye.

Yours Truly, rancette at 7:03 PM PDT
Updated: Tuesday, 14 September 2004 7:46 AM PDT
Post Comment | View Comments (5) | Permalink
rance
I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about rance or what rance thought about me (or what he doesn't think about me).

It's painful to check my email everyday at rancette@yahoo.com only to find that there is no interviewer questionaire from rance.

But I'd also be wrong to say that this blog is all for nothing. I've had great commentors so far, and they've all said nice things (unless I'm too dense to pick up on insults). That's right: no death threats so far! And I've figured out why. I'm nice and rance isn't. Okay, so I said a few shabby things about Fay Wray, but she's dead and can't do anything about it!

And I was just trying to be funny. I didn't mean it! After all, she has three kids and they might come after me.

So anyway, to my faithful audience who keeps reading day after day. And if you haven't checked the blog in a few days, sorry about the overload. I've posted quite a bit today and yesterday. But it's not everyday that a Hollywood legend dies.


Yours Truly, rancette at 6:58 PM PDT
Updated: Monday, 9 August 2004 7:05 PM PDT
Post Comment | Permalink

Newer | Latest | Older