Rance and Rancette Go To the Oscars
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Part Two of Two

No limo shows up, even an hour past the designated time.  Rancette 
shows up to the Oscars in a light pink Versace gown.  Security 
guards take her away, because she has no invitation.

Rancette is sitting in jail, next to crazy lunatics.

			RANCETTE
	   	       (to guard)
	Excuse me, could we watch the Oscars?

			GUARD
	Ha, looks like you're all dressed up with nowhere 
	to go.

			RANCETTE
	Well, I was supposed to go to the Oscars with 
	this actor I met, but he stood me up.  He's so high 
	and mighty.  I hope he loses!!!

			GUARD
	He's nominated?  Where did you meet him?

			RANCETTE
	On the Internet.  We were both in the L.A. area so...

			GUARD
	So have you ever met him?

			RANCETTE
	No. 

			GUARD
	Who did he claim to be?

			RANCETTE
	He didn't say.  I sent him a picture of me and gave 
	him my address.

			GUARD
	That was really stupid.  Hey, I'm glad you're 
	in jail.  He might have tried to break into your 
	house tonight while you were at the Oscars.

			RANCETTE
	How could he break into my house if he were at the 
	Oscars?

			GUARD
	Dummy.  He isn't a Hollywood actor.  He lied to you.

			RANCETTE
	But his name is Rance.  He's an anonymous poster 
	on the Internet who...

			GUARD
	Holy ****!  You don't mean THE Rance?  (chuckles)
	Boy, he sured pulled one over on you.

			ANNOUNCER ON TV (O.C.)
	Please welcome the presenter for Best Actor... 
	Renee Zellweger!

Renee Zellweger walks to the podium.  

			RENEE (V.O.)
	The nominees are as follows... Denzel Washington 
	for "Manchurian Candidate", Jim Carrey for "Eternal
	Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", Tom Cruise for 
	"Colla-la-teral", Jude Law for "I Heart Huckabee's" 
	and Colin Farrell for "At Home at the End of the World".

Camera shows Denzel, trying to keep his cool.  It cuts to Jim Carrey, with 
pursed lips and a sweating brow.  Tom Cruise winces when Renee stumbles over 
announcing his movie.  Jude Law leans a little too forward in his chair.  
He is anxious.  Colin Farrell expects to lose and is rolling his eyes.

			RENEE
	And the winner is... JIM CARREY! Wow.

Jim Carrey races to the podium, briefly kissing his ex-girlfriend.  
He pulls out his list.

			JIM CARREY
	I have an important announcement.  I would like to 
	take this opportunity to announce to the world 
	that I am... Rance!   I'd like to thank Waxwing, 
	Robyn, Rubber Duckie, Gus Openshaw, Shorty, Jay, Lora, 
	Ginny, Gigglechick, Wheeler Jones, Agent Pepito 
	and BabyGirlCrow.  For all you fools at the Academy,
	it's high time someone recognized my genius.

The music starts playing.  The camera shows Denzel with a "what the **** look" 
on his face.  The camera cuts to Colin Farrell, crying.  

FADE OUT

THE END

Rance and Rancette Go to the Oscars
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Part One of Two

				RANCE
		Rancette, what are you doing this Sunday?

				RANCETTE
		I'm going to be at home.  Eat something 
		fattening.  OH MY GOSH THE OSCARS ARE THIS SUNDAY!?  
		Are you going to watch them?

				RANCE
		Well, yeah.

				RANCETTE
		Duh.  I can't believe it's this time of year again.  
		I almost forgot.

				RANCE
		Uh huh.

				RANCETTE
		It's always been a dream of mine to win an Oscar.  
		Maybe someday, right?

				RANCE
		Right.  Me too.

				RANCETTE
		Say, I know we're not supposed to talk about your 
		"true identity" Rance, but have you ever been to the 
		Oscars?

				RANCE
		Well, actually, I'm going tonight.  I'm nominated.

				RANCETTE
		You're going to BE THERE!?

				RANCE
		Yes, I'm nominated.

				RANCETTE
		You ARE!?

				RANCE
		Yes, and actually, I'd like it if you'd accompany 
		me.

				RANCETTE
		I'd LOVE TO!  You aren't pulling my leg?

				RANCE
		No, I'll have a limo pick you up.

				RANCETTE
		I have the perfect dress.  I bought it, and I thought 
		"this is too extravagant.  Where would I ever wear 
		this?"

				RANCE
		I think I'd look smart with a screenwriter.  
		That's why I chose you.

				RANCETTE
		I bet your date canceled at the last moment.

				RANCE
		Actually, she did.

				RANCETTE
		I could go down the list of the actors that are 
		nominated and figure out who you are.

				RANCE
		You could.  

				RANCETTE
		And I'd be thrilled to be with any one of them.

				RANCE
		Really, but what if I'm the bald guy nominated?

				RANCETTE
                                   (hesitates)
		Well, I would still go out with you, of course.  Just 
		not kiss you.

				RANCE
		I'm not asking for a kiss.  Just a date.

				RANCETTE
		Uh huh, well I should make it a requirement for 
		you to kiss me if you're any of these other actors.  
		My payment for being your date.

				RANCE
		Nope.  Your "payment" is the enjoyment of the 
		Oscars.  I bet you've never been.

				RANCETTE
		No.  Maybe I'll be a guest this year, but I plan 
		to be nominated in a few years.  And then, maybe I'd 
		invite you.

				RANCE
		See you in a few.

Rancette anxiously awaits by the window, as time for the Oscars draws near.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Who is Rance?
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Rance FAQ
Well, of course, no one knows who Rance is, really. Not even the administrative staff. Wait, the "Administrative Staff" is a pseudonym of Rance's.

But here is a brief description of who/what Rance is, in case you're new to the site.

1. Rance is an A-list Hollywood actor who posts anonymously to Tripod (not because the site is free, but because he can remain anonymous).
2. He is male.
3. He is old (see references to Cary Grant, Marlene Dietrich, March, 2004. August 19th, 2004 he referred to "my zany, younger days" implying he's older now).
4. He is getting sick of blogging, and has claimed to be searching for the "new Rance" to "take over" his blog. He posts less and less.
5. He is looking for potential book deals.
6. He also writes fiction. While not demonstrated on his site for copyright reasons, he claims he wants to have his fiction published.

Of course, I have applied to be the new Rance, as most of you know (and are probably sick of me talking about). Of course, Rance is really picky though, and only likes certain people.

Rance said he wanted a vampire to take over. When vampires applied, he said he didn't like any of the applicants, because they couldn't turn into bats.

Rance sounds like the Hollywood actor who likes to string people around simply for the fun of it... because people are willing to do whatever it takes to please his every whim. Why should I care anyway? I wish I didn't. But I do.

My Dinner With Rance
Topic: Rance & Rancette
The names, restaurant, hair colors, ages, and menu items have been deleted for the privacy of Rance and Rancette.

FADE IN

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT -- EARLY EVENING

RANCETTE mid-[deleted], [deleted] hair is at a lonely table, 
checking her watch every 5 seconds.

JOHN, the young, inexperienced waiter hurries by Rancette's table.

				RANCETTE
		Excuse me, could I have a drink?

				JOHN
		Yes, ma'am.

				RANCETTE
		My date's coming, I swear.

				JOHN
		Yes, ma'am.

				RANCETTE
		Maybe he doesn't exist.

				JOHN
		What do you want to drink?

				RANCETTE
		Could I see a wine list?

				JOHN
		Wait, wait. Did you meet on the Internet?

				RANCETTE
		Yes, but we're in the same industry.

				JOHN
		Oh, the movies I bet!

				RANCETTE
		Yes, actually.

				JOHN
		Oh, right. I bet he said he's some producer, or some 
		actor...  I bet I'll recognize him!

				RANCETTE
		Oh, you will.  I hope you're not some aspiring 
		actor who's going to disturb our dinner, asking 
		questions...

				JOHN
		No, no, no.  I'll be right there with your wine 
		list.

Rancette spots RANCE, a charming man in his mid-[deleted] with wavy [deleted] hair.

				RANCETTE
		Nevermind, John.  I don't feel like drinking now.

John, annoyed, hurries to more important customers.  Rance sits at the empty 
chair across from Rancette.

				RANCE
		May I?

Rancette blushes.

				RANCETTE
		I can't believe this.  You really showed up, Rance.

				RANCE
		Shh!! Shh!! Call me [deleted].  I don't want 
		anyone to suspect I'm Ra-, you know who.

				RANCETTE
		Ok, [deleted].  I still can't believe it.  I'm 
		reeling.

				RANCE
		It's no big deal.

				RANCETTE
		You know it is.  You're loving every minute of  
		your stardom.

				RANCE
		It can get lonely.

				RANCETTE
		Being a writer's a lonelier job.

				RANCE
		Well, I don't know.  Sometimes people are too 
		afraid to approach you, because of your status.  I 
		have teenage girls screaming and clamoring for me, 
		but that isn't satisfying.

Rancette picks up the menu.

				RANCETTE
		What'll you have?

				RANCE
		Well, the [deleted] looks good.

				RANCETTE
		Oh, yes.

				RANCE
		But I don't know.  I think I may have the [deleted].

				RANCETTE
		Why don't you have the [deleted] and I'll have the 
		[deleted] and we can share.

				RANCE
		Don't get the wrong idea.  I'm dating [deleted] 
		right now.

				RANCETTE
		I'm in love with [deleted], with Rance, but not 
		you.

				RANCE
		Don't say my name!!

				RANCETTE
		Oh sorry, someone might figure out who you are.

				RANCE
		Who we are.

				RANCETTE
		I think our waiter would be impressed with you.

				RANCE
		No, look at all the stars, here. There's [deleted]. 
		[deleted] comes here all the time.

				RANCETTE
		[deleted], you have no reason to be humble.  You're 
		a great actor.  Be proud.

				RANCE
		So back to this meeting.  

				RANCETTE
		It's nice to meet you.

				RANCE
		It's nice to meet YOU.  I thought you'd be some 
		crazed fan.

				RANCETTE
		Then why did you agree to meet me?

				RANCE
		I was curious.  And I could always walk out, no?  I 
		thought I'd give you a chance.

				RANCETTE
		I have to say I like risk-takers.

John approaches table.

				JOHN
		What could I getcha?

				RANCE
		I'll have the [deleted] with [deleted] on the 
		side and extra [deleted].

				RANCETTE
		It seems you come here all the time.

				RANCE
		Yes, this is where I take all my dates.

				JOHN
		So you met on the internet, she tells me.

				RANCE
		                 (to Rancette)
		Will you keep your lousy mouth shut?

				RANCETTE
		I'm sorry.  John figured it out.

				JOHN
		Wow, I'd never figure a star like you would scope 
		out chicks in chat rooms late at night.

				RANCE
			        (irritated)
		We didn't meet in a chat room, John.  And if you 
		want the usual extravagant tip, I suggest you get 
		in the kitchen and give the cook our order.

John submissively shuts up and moves on.

				RANCETTE
		I'm sorry, Ra... shoot. I keep calling you, you 
		know...

				RANCE
		That's okay.  This dude is getting suspicious.  I 
		swear.  If he talks this over with the hostess and 
		she tells her girlfriends, someone is bound to  
		figure out who I am.  

				RANCETTE
		Oh please, they couldn't assume who you were, just 
		because you got a date over the Internet.

				RANCE
		Look, this isn't a "date".

				RANCETTE
		I know, I know.  You're dating [deleted].

				RANCE
		Right.  I was simply trying to satisfy my 
		curiousity.

				RANCETTE
		Was it satisfied?

John comes from behind Rancette and holds a knife against her throat 
with his right hand.

				JOHN
		I'm sick of Hollywood stars like you.  You have 
		all this money.  You have all this fame.  You order 
		these pricey dinners and go back to your mansions and 
		sleep soundly.  Well, you should be worrying about 
		the little people, like me.  We do all the slaving
		for you!

Rancette looks pleadingly at Rance.

				RANCE
		John, calm down.

				JOHN
		No, you listen to me, or she gets the cut.

				RANCETTE
		But I'm not even rich!  I just sold my first script.  
		Hopefully, a studio will buy my second one.

				JOHN
		I'm not asking for your money, lady.  I'm asking 
		for [deleted]'s.

				RANCETTE
		But he doesn't have any money.  He already lost it 
		all, paying off...

John releases hold on Rancette.

				JOHN
		I knew it!  I'm rich!  I'm set for life.  I've 
		discovered the identity of Rance.  [deleted], our 
		cook, was right!  You're the anonymous, blogging
		A-list actor who has been paying off people to keep
		your idenity secret.

				RANCE
		Yes, I admit I am Rance.  But I was making up paying 
		off all those people.  I have millions left.  And 
		I will spend all I need to put you in prison, John.

Police arrive and take John away in handcuffs.  The manager, a fat, well-dressed 
man in his mid-[deleted] approaches Rance's table.

				MANAGER
		Please consider this meal on the house.  I am so 
		sorry about the inconvenience.

				RANCE
		Inconvenience?  Inconvenience!  I have kept my  
		identity secret for almost nine months.  [deleted] 
		here opens her trap, saying I paid people off.  John 
		logically figured out who I was.  It's unfortunate 
		it had to end this way.  I was going to reveal my 
		identity eventually.  But it's not the dinner you 
		have ruined.  It is essentially my brilliant scheme, 
		nine months of hard work.

				MANAGER
		I am so sorry, sir.

				RANCE
		I need my time back.  Can you give me my time back?
		Huh?  Can you?

Manager tries to stifle his laugh as BEN AFFLECK (AKA RANCE) tries to relive 
one of his worse films ever.

FADE OUT

Rance is Real!
He's like a magician. He does his disappearing act. Just because we don't know who he is doesn't mean he doesn't exist. He does!

Maybe I should take this opportunity to explain who rance is. No, you can figure it out. I'll save that explanation for a rainy day.

I just wanted to let you know that I had a great idea! You know the movie "My Dinner With Andre"? Well, how about "My Dinner with Rance"? Yes!

I'm going to work on it all day today (after I finish working on the outline for my new script). Tomorrow, I plan to unveil it.

Another day in the Life!
Mood:  hungry
I was much relieved to find out that Scarlett Johansson is dating Jared Leto, and is no threat to Jake Gyllenhaal & me. However, I should have known that Hollywood romances don't really last that long anyway. I should have jumped at the chance of being at the same party as Jake, but that is history. Maybe our paths will cross again if it's meant to be. Rancette Gyllenhaal: My agent would looooove that.

On to other news... I came across a blog with an interesting name. Usually I will only check blogs with interesting names out:
Crouching Tiger, Growling Stomach

Is that interesting enough? I thought so. I thought her movie reviews for the end of summer were so great that I posted to her site. Then, she writes a whole entry (august 16th) on rance and me, saying she spent over three hours reading our sites (particularly rance's)!! It's so wonderful when someone hears about rance for the first time. They just pass their joy on.

This girl cracks me up. Especially her posts to movies are entertaining. I'd check it out.

And on another note, my new script is finished, but my agent says I killed too many people in it. I don't really care, but I'm going to see if I need to clean it up or if I should hold out because I believe in the script.

I don't know, but by the time I'm finished with a script, so much is taken out of me. I'm like, just take it! Do what you want with it! Only don't make me revise. I don't know. We'll see.

Rance & Rancette Part Six
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Help me celebrate my one month anniversay of blogging!

I made sure the next installment of Rance & Rancette was available for this special occasion. Thank you for joining me.

				RANCETTE
		What about all those posts about all those different 
		places you were visiting?  You were too old and 
		decrepit to travel in your condition, Marlon. 
		Ha, ha, gotcha now!


				RANCE
		Rancette, those were memories from my younger days.
		Everything I write really happened, but it was a
		really long time ago.

				RANCETTE
		Hmm, so everyone has been obsessed over a has-been
		Hollywood star and events that happened 30 years 
		ago or more.

				RANCE
		Some consider me to be the greatest actor of all time.

				RANCETTE
		You were in a few good films.  But Streetcar Named
		Desire ranks as one of the most tragic excuses
		for a film in my book.  Vivan Leigh's southern
		accent is deplorable!

				RANCE
		But I was wonderful in On the Waterfront.

				RANCETTE
		Yes...

				RANCE
		And the Godfather!

				RANCETTE
		Oh yes!

				RANCE
		And admit my chest was in very good shape in Streetcar
		Named Desire, even if the film is overrated, if I
		do say so myself. 

				RANCETTE
		Oh yes, you were absolutely hotstuff!  Even if you 
		aged really badly.

				RANCE
		Hold on for a second, Rancette.  [withheld] is 
		IMing me.

Rance returns to Internet conversation 6 minutes later.

				RANCE
			       (cont'd)
		Back.

				RANCETTE
		[withheld] is IMing you!  This really doesn't
		make any sense, Rance.

				RANCE
		Why not, Rancette?

				RANCETTE
		Well, for one thing [withheld] was created after
		you claimed the administrative staff took over.  How 
		could you get [withheld]'s screenname if [withheld]'s
		name was withheld?

				RANCE
		Well, uh, um...

				RANCETTE (V.O.)
		Ha, ha!  Rance is now stripped of his power.  He
		can't even pretend that he is in control of the 
		blogging world.  This is a sad day for bloggers
		everywhere and for Hollywood.

Rance logs off, never to be seen or heard from again.

FADE OUT

Beware!
Mood:  hug me
Today is Friday the 13th! The ides of August!

All day I've had the feeling something bad is going to happen...

But nothing has yet. What I love about Fridays is the weekend love forecast that the L.A. Times horoscope has. Check it out here:
Horoscopes

I'm not superstitious (OK, a little), but here is a great article about why people think Friday the 13th is unlucky:
Friday the 13th article

OK, I will admit when I started writing the Rance dialogue, I had no idea where it was going. I didn't write an outline, because I thought it was going to be a one-time deal. But then I kept writing TO BE CONTINUED...

So please forgive me if it seems like it's going nowhere, because it is. I will try to find a nice way to wrap it up. Maybe with one of us dying or maybe [withheld] being introduced as a character (I think [withheld] is a figment of rance's imagination anyway). It depends on my imagination and it depends on rance's comments on his website. I just have to figure out where this is all going.

In personal news, my little twinkling star boyfriend seems to be a little bit of a player. If he were Mr. Normal, he would have been out-the-door a long time ago. So maybe I'll make Friday, the 13th an unlucky day for him and drop the bomb on him and dump him. Wish me luck.

5th post to rance's site
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
Note from rancette (sorry I have no administrative staff):

Yes, I know Rance changed his archive format from List format to Calendar format. But it's really annoying. I'm not going to change, just because he did!

The fifth installment of Rance & Rancette is on its way. I have to go through the revising stage now.

I had a date last night with the Hollywood actor I have mentioned before. He introduced me to a Kabbalah recruiter named Isis. Whether the heck that was her name or not (I don't think it was), he had the guts to say to her that I thought Kabbalah was mish-mash (repeating what I had said earlier). I really wanted to dump the sucker, but he is a Hollywood star for goodness sakes (if only a little twinkling one). Someone out there encourage me to dump him please!

My fifth post to rance's site is in regard's to voy's August 11th post. This person was trying to say that he applauds rance for "bowing out" gracefully:

I always thought rance's claim to wanting to leave was a little fishy. Like Elton John's "Farewell Tour". Elton wasn't really planning to leave us, he just wanted to make a few extra bucks. rance is probably just trying to keep our interest by planning to leave. He wants to hear "No, rance, don't go!" As he reads over the comments begging him not to leave, he will probably decide, "I like being the most famous unknown blogger after all!"

Rance and Rancette Part V
Mood:  energetic
Topic: Rance & Rancette
Please read Rance & Rancette Part IV, before reading this one. There are spoilers. Rance's identity was revealed last time.

So, I thought about talking to my agent about a Rance & Rancette script, based on postings to my blog. But that wouldn't work, because:

I do this for the love of it and am not trying to make money (don't tell my agent!!)

My (new) agent doesn't know I'm Rancette.

Even though Marlon Brando had millions of fans, Rance only has thousands, and the movie might not break even.

I hope you enjoy this installment. Keep in mind it's fiction. So without further adieu...

			RANCE & RANCETTE PART V
			       by Rancette

				RANCETTE
		Well, I have an open mind.  I believe in 
		communicating beyond the grave.

				RANCE
		I mean, technology is so great!  It's so simple
		for dead people to send messages these days.  
		John Lennon could communicate with Yoko now, but 
		he's not Internet savvy!

				RANCETTE
		So what would you like me to do, Rance?  Marlon?
		What should I call you?

				RANCE
		Anything you please.

				RANCETTE
		I didn't know they had computers in hell?

				RANCE
		I never said I was in hell, you *#&@^!

				RANCETTE
		Well, I figured they used the term "gone 
		fishing" a little liberally, anyhow.  Where 
		are you?

				RANCE
		I'm not at liberty to say.  But rest assured, it's 
		somewhere where I'm able to communicate.

				RANCETTE
		Wait, a second.  You said you found out from your
		"administrative staff" that I sent you a picture of
		Karen O., instead of me.  There's no "adminis-
		trative" staff.

				RANCE
		Well, I wasn't intending to reveal my identity, Ran-
		cette.  I had to tell you something you would believe.
		Would you actually believe that a spirit of a 19
		year old girl who died in a car crash told me 
		that?  No, I don't think so.

				RANCETTE
		I see, so you're trapped in some sort of "spirit"
		world.  I'm sorry, but I still think you're in hell.

				RANCE
		You're really ticking me off, Rancette.  There
		are only so many people who I can talk to, now that
		I'm dead.

				RANCETTE
		My apologies.  This is kinda cool.  You know if this
		were a movie, it'd be the Sixth Sense.

				RANCE
		Yeah, I auditioned for that movie.  But M. Night said 
		"No way would Olivia Williams be with a disgusting
		old guy like you."  I think Olivia is hot and I've
		always regretting not working with her...

				RANCETTE
		Gross, Rance! TMI!  Wait a second, who are you really?
		I have to be naive thinking that I'm chatting with 
		Marlon Brando, first of all.  A dead person.  Maybe I
		could handle that.  But certain things just don't
		fit.

				RANCE
		Like what?

				RANCETTE
		Rance liked to hang out in the Vatican chat room 
		and Marlon Brando was an athiest.

				RANCE
		Just because I'm an athiest doesn't mean that I don't
		enjoy chatting with the Vatican.

				RANCETTE
		Well, it seemed unlikely.  What about all those
		posts about all those different places you were 
		visiting?  You were too old and decrepit to 
		travel in your condition, Marlon. Ha, ha, gotcha now!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Rance & Rancette part IV
Mood:  suave
Topic: Rance & Rancette
This post is dedicated to Lora.

The rest of this post is fiction.

				RANCE
		Like I said before, I'm not Ben Affleck.

Rancette takes another look at the JPEG.

				RANCETTE
		I can see that!

				RANCE
		Wait, a member of my administrative staff just told
		me that's not your pic that you sent me.  It's Karen 
		O.  Who's she?

				RANCETTE
		Ha, do you think I'd actually show you a real pic
		of me?  I figured you would know nothing about 
		punk rock music and would never figure out that 
		it wasn't me in the picture. But I don't think that 
		you're Marlon Brando either.

				RANCE
		I didn't think that you'd believe me.  But it's true...

				RANCETTE
		No!

				RANCE
		That's right sweetheart, I am Marlon Brando!

				RANCETTE
		There's so many questions I'd like to ask you Mr. 
		Brando, but I'm actually more interested in
		your rance character.  I'd like to ask him questions
		first.

				RANCE
		It's not like I have different personalities.
		Ask any questions you want sweetheart. 

				RANCETTE
		Well, it would make sense that you were Marlon 
		Brando.  We haven't seen hide nor hair from you in 
		awhile.  About two weeks after Marlon Brando 
		died in fact. That would give the administrative 
		staff enough time to filter through your draft 
		entries and figure out what the heck they were going 
		to do.  One brilliant intern from USC figured out 
		that they should hold a "who wants to be the next 
		Rance" contest.

				RANCE
		You're catching on sweetheart.  Only the intern was 
		from UCLA.  Meanwhile, Jack Nicholson fore-
		closed on my house (I never wanted that bastard to 
		buy my house. I should have written that in my will).
		They had to find out where to set up the new HQ, so 
		it took a few days/weeks before the administrative 
		staff could post again.

				RANCETTE
		Wow, Marlon.  It's not you who's infatuated with
		Rubber Duckie, it's the Admin! 

				RANCE
		Quite right, Rancette.  They're turning my blog
		into a desecration.  I'm the only one who had any-
		thing interesting to say.  And they spelled Rubber
		"Ducky" wrong. I'm no idiot!  I know how to spell 
		*$#@ing "Duckie".

				RANCETTE
		I noticed that, too.

				RANCE
		You have a sharp eye.  I tried to email them from
		you know where, Rancette, but they haven't responded
		to any of my frantic emails.  If it were a movie, I'd
		call it "The Captain Hoof Mutiny."

				RANCETTE
		Well, I have an open mind.  I believe in 
		communicating beyond the grave.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Kevin
Mood:  spacey
I have always wanted to write a Kevin Spacey post, but never had enough reason. But someone named John emailed me and asked me why I hadn't mentioned one of the greatest films ever, "American Beauty". And I said:


I'll tell you my American Beauty story (BTW, I love Kevin Spacey. I want to marry him).

Years ago, my mom and I were making conversation before this concert we went to. And I happen to mention that week I saw "A Time to Kill" and I said, "You know, it's with Sandra Bullock, Kevin Spacey, etc."

And she goes, "You haven't seen that American Beauty film? That's an awful, disgusting film."

And I thought about lying, because my parents are against the kind of stuff that is in that movie: murder, adultery, sodomy (kind of), masturbation (the kinds of things that make movies). But I boldly said, "Yes, I have seen it."

And she lectured me about how bad Kevin Spacey was. And then the very next weekend, she invites me home to watch "The Usual Suspects" with the fam.

Other to die for Kevin Spacey movies include: K-Pax and Pay it Forward. Kevin Spacey is a dream. It's too bad he moved to England just as I was moving to L.A., otherwise I'd be tempted to stalk him or at least attend the same parties as he did, so I could be the future Mrs. Rancette Spacey. Maybe I would keep my maiden name, because by that time I'm sure I would have become a recognizable screenwriter, at least by the industry.

I have to admit I was disappointed that I couldn't attend this one party recently. Jake Gyllenhaal was supposed to be there, but I had already made plans. But then I found out that Scarlett Johansson was dating him anyway and I wouldn't have had a chance even if I HAD gone.

I don't know, maybe Jake would have been mesmerized by Rancette's charm. Ha, I don't think so. Besides, would I really want to be with him after he's been with Kirsten Dunst!? Probably NOT!

rance & rancette part III
Topic: Rance & Rancette
You know, I would have found it hard to sleep if I had known that I would have had 2 comments waiting to be moderated.

But now for what you've all been waiting for: "rance & rancette part 3". Once again I warn you, for my sake and your own, this is fiction!!!

				RANCE
		Rancette, I'd like to meet you some time.

				RANCETTE
		Why, so you could take care of me the cheap way? 
		Stick a knife in my back?

				RANCE
		No, Rancette.  See, I'm this old dude, but you're 
		impressed with who I am, are you not?

				RANCETTE
		Well, kind of.  In a sick way.  I'm just a crazed 
		fan who would be privileged to go out with any 
		second-rate actor.  But you!  I never would have
		imagined you'd ask!

				RANCE
		Rancette, there are people who think I'm second-rate!

Rancette GASPS.

				RANCETTE
		No!

				RANCE
		All the reviews, all the message boards on the 
		Internet, all the death threats I've received...

				RANCETTE
		My goodness, Rance, you're so whiny and sneaky and 
		vile... You're so dependent on the attention you get 
		from the press and your fans and your movie-star 
		girlfriends that I would have guessed that you 
		were Ben Affleck!

				RANCE
		How dare you say that, Rancette! I'm not half the 
		nincompoop that Ben Affleck is! Besides I don't 
		talk about my love life on my blog. 

				RANCETTE
		It would be very interesting to read about it. Oh wait, 
		we already read it in the tabloids!!

				RANCE
		I respect their privacy.

				RANCETTE
		"Their" privacy?  I get the impression there's 
		quite a few girls you have on your arm.  Not 
		mentioning them, so they won't find out about each 
		other, huh!

				RANCE
		So how about letting me buy you a drink, huh?  We 
		could meet at [restaurant deleted for rance and 
		rancette's privacy].

				RANCETTE
		That sounds wonderful Rance, but as I already 
		mentioned, I'm dating this "younger" actor right now.  
		But you wouldn't know that, cause you don't read my 
		blog.

				RANCE
		Ha, there IS no Hollywood actor!  I bet you're making 
		him up.

				RANCETTE
		Well, if there isn't, at least I have an "older" 
		Hollywood actor hitting on me.  They're coming 
		from all directions now, aren't they?  They want 
		Rancette.  Well, listen here mister, I'm saying "no."  
		Can you handle rejection?

				RANCE
		Like I said before, I'm not Ben Affleck.

TO BE CONTINUED...

4th post to Rance's site / King Kong release dates
Topic: Posts on Rance's Blog
First things first. Per imdb.com, King Kong is set to be released in the USA just in time for Christmas: December 14th, 2005. Great, cause that's just what I asked Santa for. This is also the day Fay Wray would have turned 100. Just kidding.

Ok, so I finally confessed all to rance. I held back as long as I could. And the dam broke:

"Dear rance,

I'm getting kind of sick of your guest-bloggists and your administrative staff notes. I'm telling you this, cause it's nice to hear straight from you. Check out my blog, because you'll see the lengths I went through to "hear" from you. I even made up a conversation or two between us, and even managed to keep your identity a secret!

Anyway, ciao for now, and PLEASE update us on your personal life or at least pick a permanent replacement."

Of course, I am working on a third installment of our conversation, and his identity is coming really close to being revealed. Stay tuned, because I'll probably post it after I get some shut eye.

rance
I'd be lying if I said I didn't care about rance or what rance thought about me (or what he doesn't think about me).

It's painful to check my email everyday at rancette@yahoo.com only to find that there is no interviewer questionaire from rance.

But I'd also be wrong to say that this blog is all for nothing. I've had great commentors so far, and they've all said nice things (unless I'm too dense to pick up on insults). That's right: no death threats so far! And I've figured out why. I'm nice and rance isn't. Okay, so I said a few shabby things about Fay Wray, but she's dead and can't do anything about it!

And I was just trying to be funny. I didn't mean it! After all, she has three kids and they might come after me.

So anyway, to my faithful audience who keeps reading day after day. And if you haven't checked the blog in a few days, sorry about the overload. I've posted quite a bit today and yesterday. But it's not everyday that a Hollywood legend dies.